Thursday, February 27, 2014

What Do I Look Like, The Nate Silver Surfer ?

 Hey! Bristol based, Disney owned, sports broadcasting megalopolis!
What does ESPN stand for again ? Eastern Seaboard Pandering Nightly ?
Your main dotcom page's poll question today was a four choice query regarding the Mets projected win/loss record this season. Not on your MLB page, your home page.
We are two games into spring training. I have no idea what I think about my favorite team yet!
I could understand if Fox Sports was doing an alphabetized breakdown of every MLB team and started with the Mets, or if I was on Peter Gammons Been In More Dugouts Than David Sunflower Seeds Blog , but this is your main page. Is the average American sports fan supposed to know what the Mets are gonna be dealing with in September ? I'm a Tiger fan, and I haven't even identified the hot dog vendor, clubhouse boy and press box IT intern who Dave Dombrowski traded Doug Fister for!
Curtis Granderson hasn't even had a chance to visit Joseph Simmons' boyhood home in Queens, much less predict how many games the Mets are gonna win.
                                            DMC is wearing a Giants jacket. Even he doesn't 
                                                care about the Mets.

Why is that supposed to be something the rest of us are supposed to just fill out in 10 seconds like our Keno slips at Danny's Irish Pub ?
You know your fancy little offshoot, ESPN New York ? Post that question on there, not on the one that's supposed to appeal to the rest of the world. The last time anyone outside of Flushing gave a damn about the Mets is when Roger Clemens was whipping jagged pieces of northern white ash at Mike Piazza's northern white ass, and that's only because we were tired of Roidger's macho high school jock posturing and not because we loved their soap opera of a baseball team and its albino medicine ball mascot. Or put it in the Port St. Lucie News, not on my computer screen.
One of the reasons there is such a backlash on New York sports teams around the country is that you assholes are constantly breaking out the Big Apple knee pads for the Yankees and Mets and Nets and Jets and Red Bullettes.
It's February. I don't know which aging, overrated Tiger leadoff hitter is gonna get picked off first with a 3-1 count on Miguel Cabrera on Opening Day, don't frickin' ask me about what's gonna happen to anybody else 162 games from now.
.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

What's the Trophy for Winning Spring Training ? Yeah, I Thought So.

I can't stand the Oakland A's. I liked their old owner, The Veeckian Charlie O. Finley, and I like the fact that they represent a much maligned blue collar town, but I always seem to hate a few of the players on their roster. That doesn't mean I don't think these were great catches by Josh Reddick. Welcome to Victory Charade. Nice catch. The only other thing I like about you is that you're not Colby Rasmus.

But these don't surpass even my second all time favorite catch, by a guy who went on to play for my all time least favorite team. Now he plays for the Mets. I'm pretty ambivalent about the Mets, but at least they're not the Yankees.

That was better for a number of reasons, like Verlander was on the mound, and the game counted. Not some spring training nonsense.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Judy Blume and Chelsea Handler Both Had Sub-par 40 Times


One of these two guys says God talks to him. He says that part of God's master plan is for him to not participate in the NFL Combine, a major evaluation tool/convention in American professional football scouting and draft analysis. The God that talks to one of these guys apparently has already informed him he can skip this major process and he will become a Seattle Seahawk.
I can't say for certain whether or not God really talks to one of these two guys. Let's assume, out of respect for this particular person's religious beliefs, that God did speak directly to him.
I'm curious as to whether or not this God also spoke to incumbent starting Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch to tell him that it would be in his best interests to seek employment elsewhere or even pick up an entirely new vocation.
Or maybe one of these gentleman isn't going to play running back in the NFL. Maybe God wants him to be the next Steve Tasker. From a football perspective, you could do a whole lot worse than being Steve Tasker.
I can't claim to know much about God. But I do think I know quite a bit about the NFL for a guy who last touched a pigskin at a petting zoo. More so than ever, teams that invest money and valuable draft picks on players are concerned with what goes on in a player's head as much as they are his physical skills. The background checks are more exhaustive than a GQ makeover for Don Imus, front offices obsess over players' Wonderlic test scores, (taking the test is actually an element of the combine) and the slightest hint of instability or less than a dedicated approach to football will drop players to lower in the draft. One of the two people pictured above is already projected as a fairly low draft pick to begin with. If his God says "skip the combine", what is his God's opinion gonna be on two-a-day workouts in full pads in August ?
Of course, the guy I'm discussing is the guy on the left, San Diego State Running Back Adam Muema.
I am not knocking his faith, his right to discuss his faith or any issue other than this:
Whatever his reason is for skipping the combine: from a mundane, secular, tangible perspective, by doing so he puts himself far closer to having to wear the uniform of the guy on the right for a living than he does of wearing this one:



Saturday, February 22, 2014

You're Playing For A Medal, You Useless Cocksmooch






                                                              Patrick Kane
                                    The Original Buffalo Chokin' Wing

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Relax, Mom, I Had Some Rod Carew Cards and I Didn't Become Panamanian

Yes, there are many people who would prefer Michael Sam's sexual preference to be a non-issue.
Yes, there are many people who will never respect Michael Sam's "lifestyle".
But this is America, where money tends to be a big deal, a barometer, a mirror, a holy grail…


The money is talking, and it is welcoming Michael Sam and people like him to the show.
Michael Sam has broken down a huge barrier, whether anyone likes it or not.
That's something to think about while you are a chewing gum, even though drywall style gum isn't included in packs of sports cards anymore.
For the record, a lot of my friends used to think George Brett was "gay". And one of his rookie cards goes for about 1600 bucks.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Not Now Honey, Ryan Newman Might Need Four Tires!!

Call it a pool, a fantasy league, a waste of time, a cry for help, a downright, flat-out or high banked curve call for an intervention, but after a short hiatus, I'm gonna get together with a group of people and wager on NASCAR races.

I may have mentioned that I failed geometry twice in high school, and cried tears of joy (maybe it was just bad mescaline) when they told me I could take etymology instead of physics, but now I'm going to sit down and try to become an expert on tri-ovals and compression ratios. On purpose. Because it's a sport. And it's televised.
The psychotic thing is that the way this particular group of people do it, we all pick the winner of each race before the season even starts.
And unlike fantasy football, when I'm watching until the very last minute to hear injury reports and weather conditions before I officially lock in my lineup, I'm picking who will do well in September in Arizona--I'll be honest, I haven't even looked at the schedule yet-- this week.
So instead of second guessing what I did 2 hours ago, I'll be second guessing a decision I forgot that I made. Kinda like the first 20 times I asked a girl to marry me. Except with NASCAR, I might, just might, walk away from this one with some money in my pocket.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Idiotic Titles for The Well Endowed

I was gonna write a long angry blog about the University of Michigan's proposed new Head Football Coach Endowment, until I did a little research and found this in the Daily Newspaper Not Owned By The Steinbrenner Family Yet. Note the date. 2012, and they cite the practice going back to the 90's in the Ivy League.
                                                    I audited her class at St. Andrew's 
                                                             Hall in the '80's

So apparently head coaching endowments have been around for decades, and Michigan didn't invent the concept, so I'll just say this: There are a lot of things that have been around for decades that I don't appreciate, like blood alcohol levels constituting drunk driving being 3 beers an hour and Joan Rivers ruining awards shows. Now you can add head football coach endowments to the list.
I realize that people and foundations endow chairs and fellows and at some liberal arts colleges probably ottomans and dudes, but the football team is a different animal, (a Wolverine in this case) entirely.
If someone endows a department head that is doing fantastic biochem research, they are contributing (hopefully) to the greater good of mankind. Football coach doesn't need to be endowed just so some billionaire can trump all the other boosters who cause so many problems in the first place. What's next ? The Webber Family Blue Chip Linebacker's First Hooker Faculty Washroom ?
Besides, I don't care what name you slap in front of the title of the Head Football Coach at The University of Michigan: When someone is hired to be head football coach at the University of Michigan, there is only one name and one legacy to be lived up to. Keep it that way.





Olympic Skiing: Blink 1.82222222222 and You're In Last

The average Ramones song lasts about two and a half minutes, or roughly two full minutes longer than I could go down on Lily Aldridge before I burst into tears of relentless joy.
The average Olympic ski run lasts a little less than two minutes. And a bunch of guys train basically their entire life for a couple shots to qualify to take that final two minute run, barreling down an icy mountain (or a slushy one, as the case may be) at about 100 miles an hour and trying really hard to win while presumably trying really, really hard not to die. Or maybe not.
                                                My man did not give a fuck, or thank Hans.

The 4th place finisher is a complete loser bum who never should have been there in the first place because he finished at least a couple one hundredths of a second behind the guy who won gold and who will now get paid millions of Swiss francs to sell Swiss Miss to Swiss Franks… and cereal, and beer, and maybe watches.
I have a watch. Someone needs to call Bob Rolex and have him explain to me what one one hundredth of a second is.
No one needs to train their whole life to be completely forgotten because they ran into a Siberian Frostbite Gnat on the way down a goddamn hill. I wouldn't work for a whole day just to afford enough booze to serve to Faith Hill so I could go down on her for the 3 tenths of a second it took before Tim McGraw blew my brains out like I was a Native American scoundrel.
Someone should open a casino for skiers only, because you could have a roulette wheel the size of Serena Williams panties with about 1000 numbers on it, and skiers would still put their chips down.
If a gust of wind comes along, a golfer will back off a shot long enough for NBC to show a whole episode of The Voice. You can't back off a ski run and ask your caddy for a hit of Powerade and a beta blocker. If the wind shifts, your aunt who bought you that first set of Rossignol's when you were three is gonna have to support you, bro, or you are toast, because 9th in the downhill won't even get you a job making Pop Tarts, much less hawking 'em.
Less than a tenth of a second? Don't give me some Jack Handey needlepoint bullshit about the Olympic ideal and the spirit of competition. You can't even think "should I or shouldn't I try to be an Olympic skier" in less than 4 million tenths of a second.
And the flip side of you not getting a medal is that while you're in the Olympic Village right swiping some figure skating supermodel from San Marino on Tinder, there are probably 500 guys back home that can go just as fast down a ski hill, and they're still getting stalked by some girl from Steamboat Springs they met on craigslist. All because of a gust of wind.
Ski runs might as well have those goofy, cartoonish booby traps like in Wipeout,
                            Jill Wagner letting me know how many minutes I have to stalk her
                                        before she calls the cops 

 and who ever survives a couple bops with an oversize purple boxing glove and gets up to ski down the hill wins.
 Actually,I have a lot of respect for Olympic skiers. It's not like they're acoustic guitar playing comedians with props. At least with Olympic skiers, every 4 years somebody remembers one of them fondly.




Saturday, February 15, 2014

The Winner of The First VC Trivia Contest

Old time hockey…like Eddie Shore, the Boston Bruins defenseman (you wanna spell it with a "C", Canadians, you go right ahead and take a red pen to the screen of your tablet) whose brutal hit on Toronto Maple Leaf right wing Ace Bailey fractured his skull and led to the first "unofficial" NHL All Star Game, a benefit on Valentine's Day, 1934.
The game raised $20, 909 dollars to benefit Ace, back in the days when many pro athletes at offseason "regular jobs"and didn't become millionaires at nineteen.
Ellen DeView, my favorite person ever named for two afternoon talk shows, takes home the mystery prize for knowing the significance of the number I posted in yesterday's blog. The prize is hockey related and since Ellen did me the favor of living near me, I will post a picture of me presenting it to her as soon as we can make arrangements to get together.
Thank you all for playing, and I will do trivia contests, much like sex and bank robberies, intermittently and without warning.

Friday, February 14, 2014

It Ain't Stump the Slob, I Know the Answer: The 1st VC Trivia Contest

This is my 51st post in Victory Charade. That's significant for a number of reasons.
There are 51 states in the US, 51 separate muscles in the human groin and Jose Canseco got thrown out stealing third 51 times.
                                                              Party Time!!!

No.
Just because it's a sportsblog doesn't mean it's completely mindless.
I would have done something special at # 50, but I didn't realize it was # 50 until I posted it.
So now I'm doing something special.
Trivia contest:
Tell me what is special about the number 20,909 in the world of sports.
Your first hint is that it involves a sport currently in season, but pitchers and catchers












already reported to spring training, so that doesn't narrow it down much.
It's kind of a tough question, but the prize is something from my own personal sports memorabilia collection. I am not showing what it is because I don't want to given any false clues or real clues.
Here are the rules:
The person who answers correctly must post the answer on this blog-no Facebook, Myspace, or spray painting my garage.
The person who answers must explain the answer in context.
The winner must live in the U.S., because I don't wanna go broke shipping something I really don't want to part with anyway. In fact, I'd prefer not to ship it at all, but I will.
Yes I'm trying to drive traffic to this blog.
If no one gets it in the first 12 hours, I will post a clue.
20, 909.
Good luck.

1st Clue (way later than promised, but a clue nonetheless): The number refers to an occurrence pre 1960. That should narrow your Google search.




Thursday, February 13, 2014

Nordic Combined ? What's That, Salmon Pate and a Hummer from Bjork?

Wait a second, Olympics… As Lee Corso would say (or as Richard Petty would say about Danica Patrick): "Not so fast".
There can't be softball in the Olympics because not enough people around the world play it, and the US is too dominant?
"Nordic Combined ?"
                                                    I think one of the shell casings went down
                                                       the back of my ski pants.

Yeah, it's heartwarming to see all those Pakistani kids shining shoes at the airport to afford more lift tickets to get on the ski jump and sharing cross country ski wax.
I live in Michigan, okay, and we have a big ass (that's metric, right ?) ski jump in the Upper Peninsula. I've lived here most of my life and I know exactly zero people who have ever gone on it.
I have about 4000 Facebook friends, give or take, and I could post right now "Have any of you ever wrestled a bear for money in a strip club built in an abandoned copper mine in the U.P., and if not any of my pals had, I guarantee one of their cousins did and has pictures. But no one I know or am separated from by Six Degrees of Canadian Bacon has ever skied down that jump, flown through the air and lived to go squirrel hunting that afternoon. That's what Nordic Combined is, isn't it ? A really dangerous way to get to a squirrel hunt ?
But lets say I won the lottery and bought a cabin up there and a helicopter to get to it.You know what we'd do ? Get drunk and play table tennis in my cabin, that's what. Then one of us would get good enough to go to the Olympics and he'd go and finish last, behind all 62 countries in Asia. But table tennis is still a sport in the Olympics! Is there a weird by-law in the Olympic charter that says you'll never eliminate any sport dominated by a nation with a monosyllabic language ?
Because discupelme, pro favor, but I have yet to see a ticker tape parade for the table tennis gold medalist through the streets of La Paz, comprende ?
Let's be serious, lots of people skate, but not too many figure skate. You don't go down to Campus Martius and see Nick from the induction molding department bangin' a few triple axles for fun before he heads to the Golden Grease to salchow down. But at least we sorta do it. No one who hasn't skipped school to get juonut on sahti with their favorite hottie in the Arctic Circle has ever purposely gone flying off a perfectly solid observation deck and then slalomed around the woods riddling outhouses with lead. We can't have softball, but they can have that ? One nation isn't dominant you say ? What? Do the Finns and Danes and Norwegians politely pass the Gold and Silver medals around every year, and whoever has the most umlauts in their last name takes home the bronze?
So here's one vote for softball to come back. Not because I'm a big softball fan, but because they got the boot for a bogus reason.
And I don't want Nordic Combined to be completely eliminated. I want it to be moved to the Paralympic Games. Because this guy would be bad ass at it, and bring home gold for the U.S.:

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Victory Charade: One Gutsy Player and 314 Million Side Judges

Victory Charade: One Gutsy Player and 314 Million Side Judges: Michael Sam, the SEC Defensive Player of The Year, is gay. The kind of gay where you are attracted to people of your same gender. Being gay...

One Gutsy Player and 314 Million Side Judges

Michael Sam, the SEC Defensive Player of The Year, is gay. The kind of gay where you are attracted to people of your same gender. Being gay is an absolute deal breaker when it comes to procreating with your partner, but other than that, I don't think it actually prevents anyone from doing anything else.
It certainly didn't prevent him from being a beast in the toughest conference in modern college football.
Other than injury,only people's perceptions and biases can prevent Michael Sam from having an equal chance at being a successful NFL player.
                                            Defensive players don't usually signal first down
                                                        but this guy converted a key one.

By all accounts, the University of Missouri locker room was a cohesive and supportive one this year, and they had a lot of success on the field after Michael came out to them prior to the season.
I have not read or listened to all the opinions out there on the subject of Michael Sam --you couldn't if you wanted to-- coming out to everyone prior to the draft, but I know they come from more angles than a game of Jenga at MC Escher's house.
And one of them that has been voiced is this: An NFL locker room is not ready to accept a gay player.
So, a college locker room was capable of handling it; kids just out of high school, away from home for the first time who ostensibly have to study, go to class, self motivate just to get out of bed, explore their own sexuality (which is, in fact, a great motivator to wake up in the morning)…they can handle it, but a bunch of guys who only have to play football and not crash their Bentley are not gonna be able to handle the sexual orientation of a teammate ??
My first bet of the 2014/15 pro football season is that they can, but if they can't that's almost dumber than crossing against the light when Donte Stallworth is driving hammered. Stallworth thinks that if a team can't handle a gay player and still win, they already have existing problems with their business.
And that's what the NFL is: A business. A football player's job is to perform to the best of his ability on the field, and do everything he can off the field to make sure he is in top physical condition. There is nothing about Michael Sam's sexuality to suggest he won't be able to do those things. There is certainly nothing in his highlight reel to suggest he won't be able to do those things.
So why are we talking about it ?
I have heard people ask that question. I don't have an answer to that question other than to say that in every other area of life Americans have been able to accept gay people and professional team sports seems to be the last frontier. I've always found it immensely hypocritical that people are perfectly okay watching their kids in the stadium rocking out to YMCA and We Are The Champions but refusing to accept some guy on the team in form fitting pants with a drawing of a teal and purple bird on his oversized shirt being gay. It's selective prejudice, and it's stupid.
If you have a problem with gay people, that's your thing and I can't change your mind. But remember this: Dozens of politicians have begged Americans to vote for them, parading their wife and kids in front of every camera, and assuring you that they were watchdogs of  "traditional family values"and "Old Glory" only to get caught being the gatekeeper of the glory hole in the men's room of a Family Dollar*.
You don't have to vote for Michael Sam, you don't even have to cheer for Michael Sam (betcha anything ya do if your favorite team drafts him and and the 3 letters you see next to his name most often are TFL and not GAY). But you have to give him credit for this: He never lied to you about what he is.
And he gave you an early start if your kid ever asks you what's really so fun about staying at the YMCA.



*These clowns are not to be confused with people such as Elaine Noble and Barney Frank, who won elections running as open members of the LGBT community.





Sunday, February 9, 2014

Johnny You ARE Queer, Boy,And We Applaud You

Johnny Weir says "Fuck You" to Vladimir "Restroom Designer of The Year" Putin in the nicest way possible.
Tara Lipinski also wins the Chelsea Clinton from "Awkward to Fuckable in Only A Decade" Award.
(Yes, I realize top level skaters are hardly "awkward" in that sense, but you know exactly what I'm talking about. Send the hate mail anyway)

Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Pony Express Guy Just Blurted Out The Nordic Combined Splits

So people are glued to the Olympics on NBC now. That's cool. I like the Olympics. I like most live sporting events. Hear that, NBC ? I said live! And I watched 'em live! On CBC, because other than living in an igloo and amputating my own frostbitten digits to save money, I'm lucky to live in the north where the cable companies carry the far superior network owned by Drake, Mike Myers and the Canadian Government.
What is the allure of prime time in 2014, especially on the weekends ? It's not like we're in the barn darning socks with the Ingalls family during the day. "Plausibly Live" is dead, just like Michael Landon.
                                                Maybe she should kiss the peacock like
                                              she did Bobby Brady, and wake it the fuck up

Anybody who really cares about the events (and FYI, pretty bird network, after events are over they're not events, they're historical events ) who doesn't have the luxury of CBC on their cable can look up the results on their damn phone. Now, I just noticed  (mind bogglingly mid-bloggingly) that you yourself are broadcasting some live events on MSNBC!
Now I get it…you like broadcasting the taped events on your flagship station, so you can air all those pre-recorded ventricle grabbers about the biathlete whose neighbor has smallpox. Wake up America! Do we really need that schmaltzy, gauzily shot kinda feature to enjoy sports that happened 12 hours ago. Yeah, America, I guess most of you do. And that's pretty lame. I say from now on they just award the Olympics to cities in the Eastern and Central time zones, or they can suck my clock.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

My Cousin Went To Sochi and All I Got Was This Autographed Wheaties Box

So my friend Jim's first cousin, once removed (I think I have that right, but it's not like I'm making the guest list for a family reunion on Belle Isle) is competing in Sochi.
Her name is Jessica Smith.She's a short track speed skater from Melvindale, Michigan. I know next to nothing about her, pretty much because she's a short track speed skater from Melvindale, Michigan.
And that simple fact is one of the greatest things, if not the greatest thing about the Olympics.
People who are the best in the world at what they do, but are more obscure than a Tom Robbins religious reference get the network cameras pointed at them for two weeks.
And first cousins once removed and third cousins they've never met and their dog groomer's kids and everyone in their picturesque or nondescript small towns go crazy, and get to brag about them on the internet. And they should.
Melvindale is a basically nondescript but certainly not charmless small town that used to have one of my favorite trucker restaurants. It may still be there, but I can't remember its name to look it up because I only ate there when my BAC was measured with a dipstick.Okay,that digression just slid through the blocks and crashed into the padding, but you get the picture.
                                                   The agony of wandering off the track
 North America has thousands of Melvindales. But not every Melvindale has a Jessica Smith or someone like her. The ones that do have someone to root for who "is one of them". And Jessica's parents and brother won't be watching on TV, because people in the town did this.
Yep, they'll be in Sochi, with the hacked cellphones and the wonky toilets and loving almost every minute of it.
Just a short skate down the road from Melvindale is River Rouge, and the Port of Detroit, where cargo  ships from Russia and China dock. Some of the guys on those ships might have a first cousin once removed, or their letter carrier's kid, or someone from their small town who is competing against Jessica in a sport people only talk about once every four years. But when they do talk about it, they talk with pride. Not everyone in Sochi will earn a picture on a cereal box, but they sure as hell earned that pride.



Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A NSFW Look at Curling (Part One of Victory Charade Olympic Uncoverage)

Curling is like S&M. It's quite clear that pretty much all winter sports have some masochism in them.
Cross country skiing seems enjoyable on a 34 degree (that's Fahrenheit, rest of the world) afternoon, when you want to go about 500 feet in the woods and see a few whitetail, but the Olympic version ?  They're going 40 miles an hour uphill for half a day and splaying their legs at the same interval as Taylor Swift when she sees another plausibly hetero balladeer with an Ovation 12 string.
                                                        Why does this perv keep putting my picture 
                                                         in his sports blog ?

 And cross country skiers can't endorse any performance products because oxygen is free , at least until Nestle gets ahold of it.And biathlon ? Same deal, except  every few miles you get to lie flat on the ice and let an M-16 recoil against the same shoulder that's propelling you from Siberia to Checkpoint Charlie.
Downhill isn't much better. It's over quicker, but you train your whole life for an event, then you can brush a gate (A gate to what ? A gate should have at least a swimming pool and a hibachi full of bratwurst behind it) that slows you down by 2 one millionths of a second and go from a Wheaties box hero to a broke alcoholic selling lift tickets and polishing black diamond signs at Mt. Trust Fund, Vermont. Even the laid back, Vaporub and vaporizing Snowboarders can fucking die (R.I.P. Sarah Burke) doing all those half pipe tricks that seem like they are named after early 20 Century comedians: "Whoa, Trevor really zeppoed that 420 Skelton until he Curlied that gnarly Chaplin and jacked his benny... Someone's gonna have to throw another Shemp on that Ollie".
But curling has the sadism to go with the masochism.
Curling skips make people grab brooms then bark orders at them. But just to prove they aren't complete riding crop wielding dominatrixes, they let other people have a turn as dungeon master. And every Olympic year, people decide "Hey, that looks like fun"and sign up at The Detroit Curling Club, like bored married couples who turn the laundry room into a fully equipped leather and restraint playroom, only to give it up the first time someone has to explain to the boss why people are gasping at the wrist bruises during a PowerPoint presentation.
I have been asked during or after the last three winter Olympic years to join large groups of people to take lessons or join beginner teams. And my answer is always the same: I don't want to watch you make your husband wear a diaper and a ballgag to spice up your marriage…oh, Curling ? No, because much like washing valium sprinkled popcorn down with Chambord, I'll get hooked and the rest of you fuckers will quit and I'll be doing it with strangers and feel like an idiot.
Besides, I'll be the first one to get mad at being constantly told what to do with my broom and throw the damn stone through the gift shop window and kill the Manitoba U-12 champ while he's signing autographs. And I have to admit, as much as the sport appeals to me because it seems like a more athletic, more complicated form of darts, that the first thing that caught my eye is how many good looking women compete at a high level.


That's Anna Hartelt, and that the lower picture is not from some "lad rag"
that's from the Women of Curling Calendar.
And according to the website, it was the women's idea. No man made them get down on one knee on an ice rink and agree to pose for the pictures at broom point. Because that would take stones.  

Monday, February 3, 2014

Don't Bet the Under or Try to Dance Like Bruno Mars

So I begged you guys to take the under in my January 31st blog.
Yep. I never said I was infallible. Well maybe once when I was fifteen and I thought "infallible" meant STD free, but….  I'm human. I'm not God, who apparently wanted Russell Wilson to win more than Peyton Manning.Wilson didn't go full Kurt Warner, but dammit Russell, if God liked short guys so much Herve Villechaize would still have a TV show. (He's dead, so 16 year old girls would think he's hot).
If you took the under, you lost, but you can't really sue me. I'm pretty sure you can't sue the gambling services that you pay for.
I am sorry, but I'm by no means devastated like I'm the Broncos clubhouse attendant or the owner of The Olive Garden in Secaucus, where the Broncos were supposed to have their victory party.
I only have a few hobbies, and one of them is watching and occasionally (constantly) wagering on sports.
This football season I made a profit of a little over $200, or less than it cost Pam Oliver to get her hair did*1 for "The Big Game"*2.
But gambling is still a great hobby and I can't imagine not doing it. I'm sorry if you lost money based on my recommendation. The internet is a fucking convention of snake oil salesmen, and I guess now I'm one of them. It's not like Coke or Bud Light will change your life, but they tried to convince you of that 20 times tonight.
Pete Carroll wouldn't have told his best friend in confidence that he thought his Legion of Boom defense was gonna hold Peyton Manning and the Broncos "Force Mature" offense to 8 points, then shatter the over (47 at kickoff) with a defensive touchdown, a special teams touchdown, and a safety. 43 points for the Seahawks ? Lewis Carroll couldn't have written that with a straight face.
So football season is over for the year. The Space Needle might be on fire right now, for all I know. I'm not gonna watch a lot of post-game recaps. I've gotta start researching my Olympic Biathlon and Short Track Speedskating picks, so I can cost you your lunch money on those too.




*1. I know it's "hair done". "Hair did" is an urban colloquialism.Colloquialism= I'm still at my under for unnecessarily big words.
*2. "The Big Game" is what commercial ventures who don't tithe Roger Goodell are supposed to call the Super Bowl. Roger Goodell can blow me.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Michael Strahan got elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. The grass stain on Brett Favre's uniform pants missed by 3 votes.