Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Making The Designated Hitter Rule Great

Let me pour myself a little Edgar Martinez with some anchovy Tony Olivas and let's have a Frank Thomas discussion about the DH.
Some of you hate it, have always hated it, are never gonna like it and you want it gone. Your aunt with the mole like a corncob pipe that insists on kissing you can have that removed. The DH is not going anywhere, so this whole discussion takes place in the real world...
                                                         Eye black, and she was a
                                                         "free swinger". That makes
                                                         her a DH in my book

...a world where there's no way in hell the MLB Player's Association is gonna allow baseball to cut short the careers of guys who are making 8 figures a year and aren't even allowed to order an Ove Glove from late night infomercials.
And now, according to published reports, the DH is coming to the National League.
If you're into symmetry in general, this is a good thing. Both leagues, same rules, you don't have to juggle your fantasy lineup because that coveted subway series between the Mariners and the Marlins is taking place all weekend.
But what are we gonna lose when the DH hits the senior circuit ?
Strategy, mostly. The artistry of guys like Bruce Bochy, who make lineup cards look like Timothy Leary invented Sudoku.
Managers who don't care about the social media impact of bringing in Perez to pitch to Helton. (Perez Helton! Get it ? Don't get it ? It's funny to your son who is gonna transition to be your daughter in two years, trust me).
Losing that strategy will take away some of the charm of the game, not to mention the extra couple beers you can quaff at Wrigley while the guy who is gonna throw one pitch to a left-hander is taking 45 warmup pitches.
But it doesn't have to be this way: Here is Jimmy Doom's Official Suggestion as to how to have the DH  in the NL and not sink strategy by running into a North Atlantic Blomberg.
                                                                His bat is in the HOF.
                                                                His mustache is not.
                                                                
                                                            
In both leagues (and that's the Kruks of this whole debate, right ?) the starting pitcher bats until such time as the manager removes him for a reliever. The DH then takes the plate appearances for all subsequent relievers, though the DH could be pinch hit for by someone then deemed ineligible to play in the field during that contest.
My idea could change the entire dynamic of the bullpen; make the long reliever not just the guy you go to when your 4th starter is getting shelled like a bag of pistachios on Willie Nelson's tour bus, but a guy you bring in in a scoreless tie because your ace is pitching against Kershaw, who Pharell Williams couldn't get a hit off of, it's late in the regular season, he's leading off the following inning and you might wanna Bumgarner him 3 days from now, so if you keep his pitch count low you have that option. That scenario also makes guys who hit for average a viable option at DH and would still keep the double switch alive.
Whatta ya say, Kenesaw Mountain Manfred ? I think it would work. So do three of my friends and four of my dearest acquaintances.
C'mon, Commish! Don't tell me to go to Hal... Give my idea a McRae of sunshine...





Tuesday, March 10, 2015

OK Lions Fans, Who Would You Rather Have?

This is a completely unscientific, no-faith based, gluten free, high fat poll: Please post in the comments section of Victory Charade.
Who would you rather have on the Lions roster next year? NO deviations.
                                                "Don Juan" Demarco Murray

or
                                               Darrelle "Fantasy Island" Revis

Your third choice is "Neither".
Don't add other names, but feel free to tell me why you chose who you chose, or why neither. {No, voting neither does not give you the right to tell me why the Lions should trade for Tom Brady, Tom Sizemore, Cindy Brady or Grady Sizemore } If you vote neither, you can explain why you dislike the two other choices, but that's it.

Monday, March 9, 2015

"Sports World Utterly Mystified When Star Athlete Signs The Most Lucrative Contract Offered"

Billboards, to the best of my limited knowledge, are rented by the month. And now billboards are popping up around town taking a rip at Ndamukong Suh for leaving the Detroit Lions and signing a mega deal with the Miami Dolphins.
As routinely maligned as Detroit is, I've rarely been embarrassed by my city. There are a few notable occasions when I cringed at something that transpired here, but I figured that whatever the issue was would be out of the headlines within days. I don't know how many months the billboards are rented for, but I'm already sick of them and embarrassed by them.
I don't think anyone who spends money to rip a guy who is already a millionaire and leaving fucking town for a city thousands of miles away probably has any business commenting on another individual's business decision in private, or in public. But public it is: Honolulu Blue with two vertical lines written through the white S in the big defensive tackle's surname. Here's a single vertical line for ya with two smaller horizontal lines coming off it: "F" for originality.
Do I have to remind you how long the average NFL career is ?
Do I have to ask you what you would do if the car company who you started your career with-why not use Ford as an example ?- allowed you to test the market for your services and GM offered significantly more money and a state-tax free income ? You'd stick with Ford out of a sense of loyalty right ? No you wouldn't. You wouldn't even hesitate to take GM's offer and you'd consider it ludicrous that your kids were crying because they'd miss their friends."C'mon, kids, you'll make friends at our new quad level in Boca!"
Now you're mad at a guy who did the exact same thing you would have done under the circumstances.
I am a Lions fan. I've been called a slappy Lions fan. If the Lions won a Super Bowl, it would be in the top ten greatest days of my life-top five if I didn't father two healthy children. I wanted Suh to stay. Badly.

Almost as badly as I wanna bang Autumn Calabrese on a ferris wheel with a faulty bolt so I can die really, really happy.
 But I cannot fault Suh for his decision to leave.
People are constantly bemoaning their high taxes and can't wait to axe a film tax incentive because they think it's gonna save 'em a couple pennies are furious at a guy who decided to move to a state that doesn't have an income tax ? Here's two vertical lines bisected by a tiny horizontal line for your fucking billboard: The H in Hypocrite.
The same town that vilified him for his stomping incidents is now pissed that he left ? A town whose kids are gonna be hunting for easter eggs in snowmobile suits while icicles are still hanging from the gutters is hurt and dismayed because someone got offered a gig in Miami ?
The same Miami that happens to have a pretty rich football tradition itself, even if they have blown goats and tweeted about it for the last few years-they have '72, we had '57. Fans in Miami aren't any less hungry for a Super Bowl than we are, and in the scheme of things, Suh can do far more good with all those millions than just a damn Lombardi Trophy and a parade. This is a guy who gave over two million bucks to his alma mater before he signed his first pro contract. He endows an engineering scholarship. His father was raised in Cameroon, where the average per capita income doesn't even crack $4000 a year. Was he supposed to turn down millions of dollars out of some intangible sense of right and wrong and "honor" when he can take that money and do tangible and honorable things with it ?
You want to hate him ?
                                             This photo is about as close as I get to disliking him.
{If you mention the occasional unsportsmanlike behavior incidents, there's a little Teddy Roosevelt speech I'd be happy to share with you}.
 Wanna like him more, or at least understand him better ?
Here's a link to his charitable foundation http://suhfoundation.org/about-nsff, though you probably don't care and you're probably content with your 672 square foot, 14 x 48 idiotic pout. Honolulu Boo Fucking Hoo.
Congratulations on the new contract Ndamukong, and best of luck in Miami.