Saturday, January 7, 2017

"I'm a Fan of Tightrope Walking Except The Height and the Balancing"

There's a huge difference in the subtle differences between the statements "I play guitar" and "I'm a guitar player".
The former calls to mind a probably-not-in-tune acoustic that sits in the corner of an apartment living room and kinda makes you look cool until the person you brought home from the bar asks you through a cloud of Fireball breath to play Stairway to Heaven on it.
The latter conjures up someone who is perfectly happy talking guitar gear and guitar gods all night,could probably sit in with most cover bands on any given night, and in a burning building scenario might have to flip a coin between his axe and his cat.
It's much harder to discern what someone means when they say "I'm a Lions fan". Most of the time, they're lying. People often make it easier by adding "but"...followed by a whole list of complaints, excuses, caveats, restrictions, voids where prohibited, etc.
And the Lions have certainly given Detroit football fans plenty of reasons (32,618 last I looked and that doesn't count drafting a tight end #1 all but two of the last four hundred drafts) to get down on them. There are things true fans would like to see changed, but we're still going to be loyal while we're waiting. Look at it this way: You might want your girlfriend to get a breast augmentation, but would you tell her you're not going to spend time with her until she does ?
If you hate the ownership, the front office, the coaching staff, the offensive line, the defensive backfield, the quarterback, the absence of a number one running back, and the only two players you've ever liked are Barry Sanders and a certain Dancer with Stars, you probably aren't really a Lions fan. And that's fine. You are a football fan who resides in a city with a traditionally underachieving team and it pisses you off. I get it, trust me.
 *BUT* you are not, by definition, a fan. 
Owning a dusty Chris Spielman jersey is not a membership card. If you were a fan and you gave up, that's fine too. I don't blame you. 
If you would like to see the Lions implode against the Seahawks because you think it will prompt the Ford family to sell, you're not only not a fan, you're dumb enough that I could sell you Natalie Portman's soiled panties, except they'd be skidmarked BVD's in my size.
Being a true Lions fan is much different than being a disgruntled fan of the sport they play in who secretly wishes he would have grown up in Joliet so he could claim the ONE SUPER BOWL VICTORY glory of the Bears in his lifetime.
I'm not even going to waste my time listing what makes a true Lions fan, though owning a Don Muhlbach jersey is a good start.
Fans of 10 NFC teams will not be watching their teams in the playoffs today. If you are not watching the game tonight because you are convinced of S.O.L., then you are in no way, shape or form a Lions fan. Do not ever say you are. If you don't like the manner in which they qualified for the playoffs ( none of us really do ) so you're not gonna watch, you're not a Lions fan, you're an ice skating judge worrying about style points.
If you are watching but you're gonna claim Dak Prescott's superiority to Matt Stafford the first time they don't convert a 3rd and 7, laugh and say "I told you so"any time the Lions turn the ball over, say the words "Mel Kiper" at any point during the contest, or volunteer to pick up the pizza during gametime, you're well on your way to not being a Lions fan.
In 1965, Ralph Nader told the world that riding in a Corvair would kill you, but there are still Corvair owners clubs in the United States. 
And there are still true Lions fans out there, who are gonna watch this game tonight, cheering, agonizing, screaming, maybe even crying, believing that this patchwork bunch of guys in Honolulu Blue can stumble over to the corner, tune up that acoustic, and play this town Stairway to Heaven.