Friday, January 31, 2014
Victory Charade: The Hard Part is Explaining Why You Do a Shot Ever...
Victory Charade: The Hard Part is Explaining Why You Do a Shot Ever...: I'm not Jimmy the Greek, a " clairvoyant manatee ", ( that will be the name of a jam band before kickoff ) a math professor,...
The Hard Part is Explaining Why You Do a Shot Every Time They Punt
I'm not Jimmy the Greek, a "clairvoyant manatee ", ( that will be the name of a jam band before kickoff ) a math professor, Stephen Hawking or Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. I'm not even Minnie Driver in Good Will Hunting.
Sorry, this is is the kind of Minnie Driver pic
that happens when the Super Bowl is in Jersey.
But I can predict a couple things:
1. Most of you will flip five, ten or twenty dollars on Super Bowl squares. They are the most democratic form of gambling EVER. You don't need to know anything. You just hand someone your money. You don't even have to know who is playing, and if you don't know who's playing, you have something in common with Colin Kaepernick, who keeps yapping as though he gets another shot at Richard Sherman this Sunday (he doesn't).
I myself will get a square or two, because it does make the game ( especially blowouts ) much more interesting.It's fun, but it's not really betting.
Squares cause unusual, even rare things to happen. Like a pretty girl will actually ask me for my opinion.
"What has to happen for me to win my square?"
And I smile and say with a straight face "Each team needs to get a safety in the next three minutes and twenty three seconds."
And they say "How likely is that to occur ?" and I say "Not very, but if it does, you could win the rest of the squares, because both offensive coordinators will be outside doing exhaust hits off the Fox broadcast truck." So enjoy the squares, just don't strut around like you're Dewey Tomko.
2. No matter how many people verbally and in print blow Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning's work ethic, Peyton Manning's legacy, Peyton Manning's Steak House, Peyton Manning's appearance on Saturday Night Live, this game is gonna hit the under.
The " over/under" or "the number" for those of you who don't gamble on sports, is a number conjured up by a pod of intergalactic aliens in a basement outside of Reno that is based on how many points both teams will score combined during any particular game. And you can bet on it. Over or under (that didn't hurt, did it? Pretty simple, right, Screech?).
For Super Bowl XLVIII, that number is currently around XLVIII and i ( I don't know how to type a half in Roman Numerals. Someone call Roman Gabriel or Bill Romanowski ).
Everyone knows that there are no half points scored in football, unless you count these:
You sure it isn't spelled "DuhSean" on your birth certificate ?
Which means if you bet the under, you think the two teams will score less than 48 points, and if you bet the over, you think the two teams will combine for 49 points or more.
If you bet the over/under, you have a 50/50 shot of winning. If you throw your money on a random square, you have about a 4 per cent chance of winning. Basically, you have a better chance of guessing how many grams of ambrosia salad Phil from market research will eat at the office Super Bowl party.
Alessandra Ambrosio: I felt guilty about the
Minnie Driver photo.
So here's the deal: This game is the North Going Zax vs. The South Going Zax ; the stingiest defense vs the most prolific offense. And the only way the stingiest defense can stay stingy is if their offensive mates run the ball. And Marshawn Lynch can run the ball. So can the guy handing him the ball, Russell Wilson. And the frigid Jersey temperature is gonna be conducive to running the ball as opposed to heaving it. Which means Manning will be perfectly happy handing it to Knowshon Moreno and Montee Ball (who ran for about a million and twelve touchdowns playing in nippy Wisconsin).
If you're convinced that Peyton Manning is gonna shred Sherman and company and say "tanks for the memories", Archie's kid can throw a touchdown apiece to Demaryius Thomas, Julius Thomas, Eric Decker and the ghost of Dave Thomas, the Broncos D can surrender two touchdowns to Lynch, throw in a field goal by either Prater or Hauschka and that's still only 45 points, or XLV if you're Caligula.
If Caligula was still alive, he'd tell you to take inferus. And I am too. Just don't bet the coliseum.
that happens when the Super Bowl is in Jersey.
But I can predict a couple things:
1. Most of you will flip five, ten or twenty dollars on Super Bowl squares. They are the most democratic form of gambling EVER. You don't need to know anything. You just hand someone your money. You don't even have to know who is playing, and if you don't know who's playing, you have something in common with Colin Kaepernick, who keeps yapping as though he gets another shot at Richard Sherman this Sunday (he doesn't).
I myself will get a square or two, because it does make the game ( especially blowouts ) much more interesting.It's fun, but it's not really betting.
Squares cause unusual, even rare things to happen. Like a pretty girl will actually ask me for my opinion.
"What has to happen for me to win my square?"
And I smile and say with a straight face "Each team needs to get a safety in the next three minutes and twenty three seconds."
And they say "How likely is that to occur ?" and I say "Not very, but if it does, you could win the rest of the squares, because both offensive coordinators will be outside doing exhaust hits off the Fox broadcast truck." So enjoy the squares, just don't strut around like you're Dewey Tomko.
2. No matter how many people verbally and in print blow Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning's work ethic, Peyton Manning's legacy, Peyton Manning's Steak House, Peyton Manning's appearance on Saturday Night Live, this game is gonna hit the under.
The " over/under" or "the number" for those of you who don't gamble on sports, is a number conjured up by a pod of intergalactic aliens in a basement outside of Reno that is based on how many points both teams will score combined during any particular game. And you can bet on it. Over or under (that didn't hurt, did it? Pretty simple, right, Screech?).
For Super Bowl XLVIII, that number is currently around XLVIII and i ( I don't know how to type a half in Roman Numerals. Someone call Roman Gabriel or Bill Romanowski ).
Everyone knows that there are no half points scored in football, unless you count these:
Which means if you bet the under, you think the two teams will score less than 48 points, and if you bet the over, you think the two teams will combine for 49 points or more.
If you bet the over/under, you have a 50/50 shot of winning. If you throw your money on a random square, you have about a 4 per cent chance of winning. Basically, you have a better chance of guessing how many grams of ambrosia salad Phil from market research will eat at the office Super Bowl party.
Minnie Driver photo.
So here's the deal: This game is the North Going Zax vs. The South Going Zax ; the stingiest defense vs the most prolific offense. And the only way the stingiest defense can stay stingy is if their offensive mates run the ball. And Marshawn Lynch can run the ball. So can the guy handing him the ball, Russell Wilson. And the frigid Jersey temperature is gonna be conducive to running the ball as opposed to heaving it. Which means Manning will be perfectly happy handing it to Knowshon Moreno and Montee Ball (who ran for about a million and twelve touchdowns playing in nippy Wisconsin).
If you're convinced that Peyton Manning is gonna shred Sherman and company and say "tanks for the memories", Archie's kid can throw a touchdown apiece to Demaryius Thomas, Julius Thomas, Eric Decker and the ghost of Dave Thomas, the Broncos D can surrender two touchdowns to Lynch, throw in a field goal by either Prater or Hauschka and that's still only 45 points, or XLV if you're Caligula.
If Caligula was still alive, he'd tell you to take inferus. And I am too. Just don't bet the coliseum.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
The Battle of the Over (thrown) Pass
Is Kain Colter the Curt Flood of College Football ? He might be. Read this.
It's a complex issue, for sure. Or it might be cut and drier than a BYU archaeology lecture; "You wanna play college football, kid, you get an education and play by these rules".
I can't blame a college student for exploring options. Expanding horizons and considering possibilities is a huge part of what college is all about. (In college I was considering the possibility of elephant to human liver transplants). So while you may not agree with Colter and his advisors, I don't think it's debatable whether or not he has every right to bring it up for debate.
Breaking News: The NLRB has ruled that Northwestern football players can unionize and ruled that they are, in fact, employees of the university.
It's a complex issue, for sure. Or it might be cut and drier than a BYU archaeology lecture; "You wanna play college football, kid, you get an education and play by these rules".
I can't blame a college student for exploring options. Expanding horizons and considering possibilities is a huge part of what college is all about. (In college I was considering the possibility of elephant to human liver transplants). So while you may not agree with Colter and his advisors, I don't think it's debatable whether or not he has every right to bring it up for debate.
Breaking News: The NLRB has ruled that Northwestern football players can unionize and ruled that they are, in fact, employees of the university.
Monday, January 27, 2014
The League Goes Back To Natural Grass ?
The NFL is considering allowing players to use marijuana for medicinal purposes. No exact word on how seriously they're considering it. They could have a large committee representing various factions and specialties within the medical establishment poring over vast quantities of data, or they could just have a couple kickers watching clips of That 70's Show and writing notes on old pizza boxes and thinking Laura Prepon could be cast in The Erin Andrews Story.
What kinda name is "Topher" ?
Either way this represents a major stride for the No Fun League. They have always allowed their name and logo to be slapped on anti-drug "public service" announcements and straight-laced community efforts, even when nine out of ten guys in the league were banging some kinda anabolic or snorting Black Beauties. It was so well known that players were on every kind of human and racehorse pharmaceutical imaginable that in the 80's, beloved political comic strip Doonesbury did months of strips lampooning the Washington Redskins. Uncle Duke, the character sorta loosely based entirely on Hunter S. Thompson was the team's fictional General manager and drug pipeline. But now Roger Fault-rey is ready to belt out that certain drugs are not that bad "mmmmmkay".
This actually might be more of a victory for marijuana advocates than it is for the league. I would like to think that it would be hard for a guy in suburban Detroit, Boston, San Francisco, etc, to vote for local ordinances against dispensaries when he knows his Offensive Guard neighbor is recovering from that hamstring injury with the help of some O.G. Kush. I was actually shocked to find out that in an ESPN poll, 25% of NFL fans are opposed to marijuana use being sanctioned for players. (31,000 had responded, including myself when I last checked). That's 7750 against.
I gotta figure 2000 of those people work in the pain pill industry and are afraid of layoffs in the wake of a massive switch to a natural remedy.
I gotta figure 3000 of those people are old enough to remember the late 60's and Kent State and all that and are just anti-drug across the board no matter what.
And I gotta figure 3 of those people have gotten into a fender bender with Tommy Chong.
To the 2747 other people, I say this:
You mean to tell me that you want to watch, wear the jersey of and bet on a guy who is gonna purposely throw his body into a swarming mass of 300 lb. guys whose job it is to toss him to frozen turf like a rag doll, then get up and do it again 35 more times, but you want to limit his choice of medications to shit created in a lab and not something that could be and probably is grown in your kid's dorm room at Appalachian State ? You can't possibly believe that pills are more controllable than weed, can you ? Brett Favre was by his own admission addicted to Vicodin, and even years later his brain was so addled he thought it was a good idea to sign with the Jets and the Vikings.
Pills can be very, very dangerous. If pills are so great, how come they made Rush Limbaugh deaf instead of mute, HUH ?
I realize that weed made Dave Matthews a millionaire and that's a horrible, horrible thing, but it's isolated. Barbecue made Tony Siragusa, but that didn't make you start voting against grilling meat in polls, did it ??
If you don't think weed is Lawrence Taylor-made for the rhythms, speed and chaos of the NFL I present to you the immortal DC rastafarian punk band, The Bad Brains:
There is an I Against I in this Team
See, just because weed makes many people laconic and like to mow the lawn in a paisley pattern like sometime next week, others actually thrive and excel. If you listen to the song, you'll understand.(Let's see Kyle Turley play that riff). If he can, maybe he was smoking pot his whole career and using a Whizzinator. And that's another thing, how can you be against it when you know players were going out of their way to use it ? Pot isn't a performance enhancer in the classic sense of the term, but I'm damn sure if they give it to cancer patients for pain, it works wonders for guys with hip flexor injuries ( full disclosure-I'm never really sure if the flexor is the part that's injured or the injury itself).
It's pot people. It won't kill ya or your favorite linebacker. It will help. I won't apologize for being in support of its use in the NFL until I see a guy with "Ants Marching" painted on his eyeblack.
Either way this represents a major stride for the No Fun League. They have always allowed their name and logo to be slapped on anti-drug "public service" announcements and straight-laced community efforts, even when nine out of ten guys in the league were banging some kinda anabolic or snorting Black Beauties. It was so well known that players were on every kind of human and racehorse pharmaceutical imaginable that in the 80's, beloved political comic strip Doonesbury did months of strips lampooning the Washington Redskins. Uncle Duke, the character sorta loosely based entirely on Hunter S. Thompson was the team's fictional General manager and drug pipeline. But now Roger Fault-rey is ready to belt out that certain drugs are not that bad "mmmmmkay".
This actually might be more of a victory for marijuana advocates than it is for the league. I would like to think that it would be hard for a guy in suburban Detroit, Boston, San Francisco, etc, to vote for local ordinances against dispensaries when he knows his Offensive Guard neighbor is recovering from that hamstring injury with the help of some O.G. Kush. I was actually shocked to find out that in an ESPN poll, 25% of NFL fans are opposed to marijuana use being sanctioned for players. (31,000 had responded, including myself when I last checked). That's 7750 against.
I gotta figure 2000 of those people work in the pain pill industry and are afraid of layoffs in the wake of a massive switch to a natural remedy.
I gotta figure 3000 of those people are old enough to remember the late 60's and Kent State and all that and are just anti-drug across the board no matter what.
And I gotta figure 3 of those people have gotten into a fender bender with Tommy Chong.
To the 2747 other people, I say this:
You mean to tell me that you want to watch, wear the jersey of and bet on a guy who is gonna purposely throw his body into a swarming mass of 300 lb. guys whose job it is to toss him to frozen turf like a rag doll, then get up and do it again 35 more times, but you want to limit his choice of medications to shit created in a lab and not something that could be and probably is grown in your kid's dorm room at Appalachian State ? You can't possibly believe that pills are more controllable than weed, can you ? Brett Favre was by his own admission addicted to Vicodin, and even years later his brain was so addled he thought it was a good idea to sign with the Jets and the Vikings.
Pills can be very, very dangerous. If pills are so great, how come they made Rush Limbaugh deaf instead of mute, HUH ?
I realize that weed made Dave Matthews a millionaire and that's a horrible, horrible thing, but it's isolated. Barbecue made Tony Siragusa, but that didn't make you start voting against grilling meat in polls, did it ??
If you don't think weed is Lawrence Taylor-made for the rhythms, speed and chaos of the NFL I present to you the immortal DC rastafarian punk band, The Bad Brains:
See, just because weed makes many people laconic and like to mow the lawn in a paisley pattern like sometime next week, others actually thrive and excel. If you listen to the song, you'll understand.(Let's see Kyle Turley play that riff). If he can, maybe he was smoking pot his whole career and using a Whizzinator. And that's another thing, how can you be against it when you know players were going out of their way to use it ? Pot isn't a performance enhancer in the classic sense of the term, but I'm damn sure if they give it to cancer patients for pain, it works wonders for guys with hip flexor injuries ( full disclosure-I'm never really sure if the flexor is the part that's injured or the injury itself).
It's pot people. It won't kill ya or your favorite linebacker. It will help. I won't apologize for being in support of its use in the NFL until I see a guy with "Ants Marching" painted on his eyeblack.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Gary and Roger's Excellent Bi-Coastal Adventure
When Tiger Woods was unbeatable and Yao Ming looked like he might almost be worth the money, Chris Rock joked that the world was going nuts because the best basketball player in the world was Chinese and the best golfer was black. I kinda feel that way right now, because today the NHL is staging a regular season game at Dodger Stadium, and next week the Super Bowl will be played outside on the New York/New Jersey/New Brunswick border.
I wrote "staging" on purpose. It's a mid-season publicity stunt, that will probably be at least a short term revenue enhancer. But let's not forget it's a regular season game, and counts in the standings. I'm sure people in LA are excited, and someone in the cast of Glee will ask Vin Scully if he thinks Matt Kemp can hit a home run with a bat shaped like that, but if it does win any hockey converts that haven't already been won over in the forty-six years since the first regular season NHL game was played there you can Jack Kent Cooke me up a Dodger dog and introduce me to them. Because I'll remind them that they won't be able to work on their tan at any other regular or postseason games since the NHL generally plays those inside, on a frozen pond and not the murky one that the Pirates of The Caribbean ride floats down at nearby Disneyland.
They're gonna have to shovel so much snow during the frequent stoppages in play that people in the front rows are gonna think they're hanging with Belushi in a bungalow at the Chateau Marmont. Direct sunlight wreaks havoc on ice surfaces no matter how cold it is-I was at the Winter Classic in Ann Arbor and even the faint UV rays sneaking through the thick snow clouds were chewing ice like Scotty Bowman in a game 7 OT.
But the NHL's ill-advised gamble will be nothing compared to the Irwin Allen style disaster that the NFL will have to deal with if winter weather clobbers the biggest one day spectacle in sports. In typical NFL fashion, they're saying don't worry, we've got it figured out, and they might. Sure... if the radar looks yucky, just move the game up a day to Saturday and forget all about the thousands that are scheduled for a Saturday night arrival in Jersey, which has very little to offer in the way of entertainment now that John Gotti, Clarence Clemons and Tony Soprano are dead. Or, you know,
just do this all day Sunday...
…and play the game on Monday, because that won't interrupt any commerce whatsoever, YOU MORONS.
I used to have a supervisor who would stress "don't be late or hungover Monday, the Super Bowl is not a holiday" and our shift didn't even start until 2:30 PM. And our position was: the Super Bowl should be a holiday, because they gave us Columbus Day off and no one ever had squares on what date Cristobal Colon was gonna wash up on these pristine shores, so why don't you back off and we'll see ya at 4:00 on Monday with some bean dip. What the hell is gonna happen if that's when the game is played ? Barry won't be the only Junk Bonds not traded that day.
Worst case scenario for the NHL, the Kings and Ducks can make up the game at a later date, indoors and some of the ticket holders won't even ask for refunds because they optioned "Bewitched 2: Molly Shannon Wiggles Her Nose and Clears Out The Theater" before the second face off.
But if the most commercially lucrative championship in North American sports has to be radically altered…oh boy…good old Roger Goodell, the stooge who is an honorary "Dr. Fine", will take this decision to his grave.
I wrote "staging" on purpose. It's a mid-season publicity stunt, that will probably be at least a short term revenue enhancer. But let's not forget it's a regular season game, and counts in the standings. I'm sure people in LA are excited, and someone in the cast of Glee will ask Vin Scully if he thinks Matt Kemp can hit a home run with a bat shaped like that, but if it does win any hockey converts that haven't already been won over in the forty-six years since the first regular season NHL game was played there you can Jack Kent Cooke me up a Dodger dog and introduce me to them. Because I'll remind them that they won't be able to work on their tan at any other regular or postseason games since the NHL generally plays those inside, on a frozen pond and not the murky one that the Pirates of The Caribbean ride floats down at nearby Disneyland.
They're gonna have to shovel so much snow during the frequent stoppages in play that people in the front rows are gonna think they're hanging with Belushi in a bungalow at the Chateau Marmont. Direct sunlight wreaks havoc on ice surfaces no matter how cold it is-I was at the Winter Classic in Ann Arbor and even the faint UV rays sneaking through the thick snow clouds were chewing ice like Scotty Bowman in a game 7 OT.
But the NHL's ill-advised gamble will be nothing compared to the Irwin Allen style disaster that the NFL will have to deal with if winter weather clobbers the biggest one day spectacle in sports. In typical NFL fashion, they're saying don't worry, we've got it figured out, and they might. Sure... if the radar looks yucky, just move the game up a day to Saturday and forget all about the thousands that are scheduled for a Saturday night arrival in Jersey, which has very little to offer in the way of entertainment now that John Gotti, Clarence Clemons and Tony Soprano are dead. Or, you know,
just do this all day Sunday...
…and play the game on Monday, because that won't interrupt any commerce whatsoever, YOU MORONS.
I used to have a supervisor who would stress "don't be late or hungover Monday, the Super Bowl is not a holiday" and our shift didn't even start until 2:30 PM. And our position was: the Super Bowl should be a holiday, because they gave us Columbus Day off and no one ever had squares on what date Cristobal Colon was gonna wash up on these pristine shores, so why don't you back off and we'll see ya at 4:00 on Monday with some bean dip. What the hell is gonna happen if that's when the game is played ? Barry won't be the only Junk Bonds not traded that day.
Worst case scenario for the NHL, the Kings and Ducks can make up the game at a later date, indoors and some of the ticket holders won't even ask for refunds because they optioned "Bewitched 2: Molly Shannon Wiggles Her Nose and Clears Out The Theater" before the second face off.
But if the most commercially lucrative championship in North American sports has to be radically altered…oh boy…good old Roger Goodell, the stooge who is an honorary "Dr. Fine", will take this decision to his grave.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Bad Luck, And No Thanks for All The Radioactive Fish
I suppose it would be nice to have the richest dad in the neighborhood, but that doesn't mean his kids were popular with everyone. I suppose I could pretend I'm a journalist ( why start now ?) and tell you the name of the guy in the photo, but if you're a Cubs or Astros or Tigers fan (even though the Tigers were never in the running), who cares? He's another rich guy in pinstripes, and that's all the rest of the league needs to know.
It's pretty bad that I would have been happy if the Dodgers got him. A Tigers-Dodgers/Verlander-Scherzer vs. Kershaw and Nameless Wealthy Manhattanite duel would have been superb.
But the Yankees are the proud owners of a new right-handed action figure for one of Steinbrenner's little boys to play with. Oh joy.
Yeah, the Tigers spend a lot of money on baseball players. But they're not the Yankees.
I hate the Yankees. It doesn't have to be rational. I'm the Hitchhiker, and this is my guide to the Baseball Galaxy, and in my Baseball Galaxy, the Yankees will always be the Empire, and the Tigers will always the Rebel Fleet. Sorry I mixed Sci-Fi worlds on ya. Break out your "What If" comics and root for the Rays to win the division.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
We Haven't Eliminated Homicide, But We're Gonna Eradicate Jaywalking
Roger Goodell wants to eliminate the chip shot kick extra point from football. I guess that's not a big deal and maybe it's time for a tweak. I just dislike Roger Goodell, and I don't like how he doesn't treat the NFL like a vintage and beloved automobile he gets to drive in a parade, he treats it like him and his girlfriends just bought a dilapidated off-campus house and they're gonna tear out the hideous wallpaper border (tackling the quarterback anywhere other than an area above the waist about the height of ummmm, let's say a hideous wallpaper border), the swing set and the big old Ndamukong Suhgar Maple and put in a privacy fence and a bug zapper.
Raj hates violence. Be nice.
You want to eliminate something Raj, eliminate most of the fines you introduced for playing football, the ones that haven't eliminated injury from the game {Percy Harvin, Tony Romo, Aaron Rodgers, Navorro Bowman and drumroll, please, Bengals punter Kevin Huber}.
Turn the Pro Bowl, which has been a farce from day one into a skills competition like ABC's classic series "The Superstars", keep regular season games on North American soil and then we will let you start thinking about eliminating benign things in the neighborhood that bother you, OK ?
The NFL doesn't belong to you. Captain Stubing did not get to take the Love Boat home with him, though I'm pretty sure Gavin Macleod took Lauren Tewes home to his own libido deck every once in a while.
The NFL has issues, we know that. We just want you to steer it in the right direction, not slap zodiac mud flaps on it like a "72 Buick Elektra. Thanks.
You want to eliminate something Raj, eliminate most of the fines you introduced for playing football, the ones that haven't eliminated injury from the game {Percy Harvin, Tony Romo, Aaron Rodgers, Navorro Bowman and drumroll, please, Bengals punter Kevin Huber}.
The NFL doesn't belong to you. Captain Stubing did not get to take the Love Boat home with him, though I'm pretty sure Gavin Macleod took Lauren Tewes home to his own libido deck every once in a while.
The NFL has issues, we know that. We just want you to steer it in the right direction, not slap zodiac mud flaps on it like a "72 Buick Elektra. Thanks.
First 7500 Fans Get a Free Game Used Sweatband, Must Provide Own Sweat
Got some Wings tickets from a buddy of mine tonight. Wings vs. The St. Louis Blues.I have almost fonder memories of the Wings thrashing the Blues than I do of seeing a few of my babysitters naked. My first live playoff game was against the Blues, and no Wings fan that was awake will ever forget Yzerman's goal in overtime against 'em. Watch it now and tell your grandkids you were there.
Nice to see Vladdie Konstantinov as part of that celebration, too.
I was a stagehand at St. Andrew's Hall the night that happened, and Malaka at the Detroiter Bar let us drink way past last call while we watched the game, until a Detroit cop walked by the mostly glass facade and gave a mellow version of the cutoff sign that Richard Sherman got flagged for Sunday night.
Our whole crew sprinted for cars and I believe I was the only one who lived close enough to catch the goal live on TV, maybe 2 minutes after I walked through the door.
Tonight was different. Tonight was like watching community college students register for classes when all that are left are Monday morning at 8AM. The Wings looked like they were skating in Brie. Jimmy Howard couldn't stop a shot with a warehouse full of Jenny McCarthy books.
Thanks, Jimmy. I need the views
way more than she does.
It was Jimmy Howard Bobblehead night, Jimmy's mug was on the tickets, and Jimmy got yanked*. If this Jimmy had paid the $63 face value on those tickets, he would have felt like he got yanked hard. (Did I just refer to myself in the third person ? Is Rickey Henderson gonna be mad at me ?)
I talked to a guy in line for the pisser who was down from Tawas ( a couple hour drive at least) for the game. It made me sadder than when Leah Remini got chunky.
I know every game isn't gonna be a gem,and Detroit isn't even in the same conference as the Blues anymore. But that team needs to put out way more effort than they showed tonight. Assuming that guy and his 3 friends were in our section, that's $252 dollars before you gas up the car to make it to the Joe and if each guy buys a beer that's another $72, a pint of blood and one shift of driving the Nemo's shuttle.
Helm, Dekeyser, Nyquist, Jurco and Abdelkader skated. Bertuzzi was okay too, though he was on the ice shorter than shrimp cocktail at John Goodman's house. Zetterberg, who I love, took a stupid penalty late in the game and they also squandered a long 5 on 3. I don't wanna hear about injuries, Olympic preparation, or goddamn free pizza tosses for section 219.
People deserve more effort out of the Wings than this. A video montage of Jon Casey's 1996 golf outings and free gas back to Tawas would have been a way better entertainment value.
* No one near me saw any visible Howard injury, though they are reporting it's a knee recurrence.I would never make fun of a player's injury, but don't hold me to that if Claude Lemieux is ever on "Diving with The Stars".
I was a stagehand at St. Andrew's Hall the night that happened, and Malaka at the Detroiter Bar let us drink way past last call while we watched the game, until a Detroit cop walked by the mostly glass facade and gave a mellow version of the cutoff sign that Richard Sherman got flagged for Sunday night.
Our whole crew sprinted for cars and I believe I was the only one who lived close enough to catch the goal live on TV, maybe 2 minutes after I walked through the door.
Tonight was different. Tonight was like watching community college students register for classes when all that are left are Monday morning at 8AM. The Wings looked like they were skating in Brie. Jimmy Howard couldn't stop a shot with a warehouse full of Jenny McCarthy books.
way more than she does.
It was Jimmy Howard Bobblehead night, Jimmy's mug was on the tickets, and Jimmy got yanked*. If this Jimmy had paid the $63 face value on those tickets, he would have felt like he got yanked hard. (Did I just refer to myself in the third person ? Is Rickey Henderson gonna be mad at me ?)
I talked to a guy in line for the pisser who was down from Tawas ( a couple hour drive at least) for the game. It made me sadder than when Leah Remini got chunky.
I know every game isn't gonna be a gem,and Detroit isn't even in the same conference as the Blues anymore. But that team needs to put out way more effort than they showed tonight. Assuming that guy and his 3 friends were in our section, that's $252 dollars before you gas up the car to make it to the Joe and if each guy buys a beer that's another $72, a pint of blood and one shift of driving the Nemo's shuttle.
Helm, Dekeyser, Nyquist, Jurco and Abdelkader skated. Bertuzzi was okay too, though he was on the ice shorter than shrimp cocktail at John Goodman's house. Zetterberg, who I love, took a stupid penalty late in the game and they also squandered a long 5 on 3. I don't wanna hear about injuries, Olympic preparation, or goddamn free pizza tosses for section 219.
People deserve more effort out of the Wings than this. A video montage of Jon Casey's 1996 golf outings and free gas back to Tawas would have been a way better entertainment value.
* No one near me saw any visible Howard injury, though they are reporting it's a knee recurrence.I would never make fun of a player's injury, but don't hold me to that if Claude Lemieux is ever on "Diving with The Stars".
Monday, January 20, 2014
Richard Sherman Almost Kissed Erin Andrews Without Asking, Too. Except He Didn't.
Wait, what ? Richard Sherman just set a flower arrangement on fire at the Walt Whitman festival ? And he started yelling Rocky Horror retorts during a matinee of Koyaanisqatsi *?
No. Actually, Richard Sherman had a brief, manic, adrenaline-fueled rant after a brutal and incredibly important football game in which he made the most crucial defensive play of the contest. And he called Niners wide receiver Michael Crabtree "mediocre" and "sorry".
Everyone in the Fox production truck including the pizza delivery guy knows that Richard Sherman's trademark is yapping like a Wire Fox terrier at a mail carrier's convention. When Erin Andrews approached him with that mic the whole damn network was expecting something that people would be talking about tomorrow, and they got something that people will be talking about for years.
And people started talking about it immediately, and the most popular comment on my seemingly neutral site of a Facebook page was "classless". The same people who loathed pampered little Peyton earlier in the day against Mr. Bundchen and Kraft Football Services were now, within seconds--faster than it would take me to climax in a Crisco Twister game with the Olsen twins-- audibly guzzling the Orange Crush like they were Elway's nephews.
Did you see what happened to Navorro Bowman ? Doesn't that tell you something about what kind of guts and drive and courage and sheer madness that it takes to play professional football at that level?
You're reclining at home with bowls full of snacks, your biggest fear is that the fucking Rent-A-Center truck is gonna show up and repossess the faux leather sofa you just spilled Bud Extra Lite with Pomegranate on, and you're gonna tell me how Richard Sherman should behave a minute after the biggest play of his entire career ? A career that allows him-demands, actually- that he to go to that level about 17 or 18 or 19 days out of the year instead of being a garbage man like his dad?
I heard the word "ignorant" used. Well, he didn't ignorant his way through Stanford. If he had played in the SEC I might not make that claim, but Stanford doesn't just give out diplomas for Nick Saban winking.
Root for Manning all you want. Just remember he's been molded for moments like these both by nature and nurture during his childhood in a mansion in the Garden District of New Orleans. He watched his daddy give interviews when the Saints he quarterbacked couldn't win a dozen beignets at a church raffle. Garbage men in Compton don't give interviews unless they witness a murder, and then they don't give interviews. Get me?
What Fox, and the rest of the sports world got was an unrehearsed outburst from a guy who worked his ass off to be in that position-he didn't even play defensive back his whole collegiate career- and his words weren't filtered through repetition. Was what he said about Crabtree (no damn Eagle Scout himself) the most cerebral thing ever ? No, especially for a guy with a degree in communications. But don't act like it turned you off to a game that leaves some of its veterans wandering around like George Romero is trying to figure out what lens to use, and a game in which most guys are done for good after three years. That's less than fifty games regular season games, so maybe you can excuse a Nautical bird With Attitude from Compton for going out on his limbic system during the NFC Championship game.
In fact, if you're that quick to pass judgement and get outraged from the safety of your own living room, how would you react during split second decisions (involving touchdown passes or microphones) in front of 70, 000 people?
If you live outside Washington or Colorado, you have two weeks to relax and decide who you really want to win the Super Bowl. It might not be as easy to relax legally outside of those states, but I think you can do it. Unless you're mediocre.
*Yes, I did look up the correct spelling of that film, thanks for asking. And I linked it, so now you can watch it and yell "What's your favorite toothpaste?" if Philip Glass ain't your thing.
No. Actually, Richard Sherman had a brief, manic, adrenaline-fueled rant after a brutal and incredibly important football game in which he made the most crucial defensive play of the contest. And he called Niners wide receiver Michael Crabtree "mediocre" and "sorry".
And people started talking about it immediately, and the most popular comment on my seemingly neutral site of a Facebook page was "classless". The same people who loathed pampered little Peyton earlier in the day against Mr. Bundchen and Kraft Football Services were now, within seconds--faster than it would take me to climax in a Crisco Twister game with the Olsen twins-- audibly guzzling the Orange Crush like they were Elway's nephews.
Did you see what happened to Navorro Bowman ? Doesn't that tell you something about what kind of guts and drive and courage and sheer madness that it takes to play professional football at that level?
You're reclining at home with bowls full of snacks, your biggest fear is that the fucking Rent-A-Center truck is gonna show up and repossess the faux leather sofa you just spilled Bud Extra Lite with Pomegranate on, and you're gonna tell me how Richard Sherman should behave a minute after the biggest play of his entire career ? A career that allows him-demands, actually- that he to go to that level about 17 or 18 or 19 days out of the year instead of being a garbage man like his dad?
I heard the word "ignorant" used. Well, he didn't ignorant his way through Stanford. If he had played in the SEC I might not make that claim, but Stanford doesn't just give out diplomas for Nick Saban winking.
Root for Manning all you want. Just remember he's been molded for moments like these both by nature and nurture during his childhood in a mansion in the Garden District of New Orleans. He watched his daddy give interviews when the Saints he quarterbacked couldn't win a dozen beignets at a church raffle. Garbage men in Compton don't give interviews unless they witness a murder, and then they don't give interviews. Get me?
What Fox, and the rest of the sports world got was an unrehearsed outburst from a guy who worked his ass off to be in that position-he didn't even play defensive back his whole collegiate career- and his words weren't filtered through repetition. Was what he said about Crabtree (no damn Eagle Scout himself) the most cerebral thing ever ? No, especially for a guy with a degree in communications. But don't act like it turned you off to a game that leaves some of its veterans wandering around like George Romero is trying to figure out what lens to use, and a game in which most guys are done for good after three years. That's less than fifty games regular season games, so maybe you can excuse a Nautical bird With Attitude from Compton for going out on his limbic system during the NFC Championship game.
In fact, if you're that quick to pass judgement and get outraged from the safety of your own living room, how would you react during split second decisions (involving touchdown passes or microphones) in front of 70, 000 people?
If you live outside Washington or Colorado, you have two weeks to relax and decide who you really want to win the Super Bowl. It might not be as easy to relax legally outside of those states, but I think you can do it. Unless you're mediocre.
*Yes, I did look up the correct spelling of that film, thanks for asking. And I linked it, so now you can watch it and yell "What's your favorite toothpaste?" if Philip Glass ain't your thing.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Hey Dad, Can I Borrow That Towel ?
His agent is pitching HBO a new series: 24 strokes, 7 Inches. The woman never would have known he was a Jet, except his car was lined up in the neutral zone. Too bad the Jets unofficial mascot, Firemen Ed, retired. He woulda been able to stop him from choking.
Friday, January 17, 2014
How About a Holograph of Vince Lombardi and Lower The Beer Prices ?
The Lions hired Jim Caldwell to drive Ford's Little Engine That Couldn't. I've had a few days to think about this, obviously, and while it's supposed to be prudent to let things sink in an examine all the facts and nuances of an issue, I really would like to step into the 2 Day Back Machine...
Mr. Mayhew didn't even interview
Mike Sherman.
…and see what kind of vitriolic mayhem I would have unleashed. Because I much prefer vitriolic mayhem to resigned depression, which is kinda where I am now with the Caldwell hiring. I guess the average American sports fan would say "You still give a fuck about the Lions ? Of course you have resigned, dreary, hopeless depression you moron, you take 16 doses of the little silver and blue depressant every season."
I do. And Detroit obviously isn't a very uplifting destination for anyone with any true coaching success, because with the exception of the hysteria Tony Dungy created by saying he didn't want to coach again BUT IF he did, etcetera, there was never a moment when it seemed like Detroit was gonna get a guy who had a ring as a head coach (Billick, Gruden, Cowher, et.al were all technically available) And as far as I'm concerned, Tony Dungy can take out his own rib and give himself some primetime network headset, because he only won one ring with one of the greatest QB's ever.
So now we have the underling of the guy who squandered a decade of Peyton Manning's career, a guy who in 8 years at Wake Forest won a whopping 26 games, (but he did win the Aloha Bowl, so I guess that means we just have to lei here and take it).
The new rallying cry of the Lions slappies (a term I have never liked but will use for lack of a better one*) is "give Caldwell a chance." The thing is that that philosophy is okay in sports that play 80+ games a season. It doesn't apply to football. With the current contracts and players, the Lions have to win soon (ahahahahahahaha…..whimper….sob).
I'd rather have a complete unknown…I think Evel Knievel could have sold even more tickets if he had come out and said "I am going to jump a huge assload of shit. A whole bunch of really big, long, scary shit with jagged metal parts I really don't wanna land on. Come see me try it at the Astrodome."
In a perfect world, the Fords would have
sold the team to the guy who owns Little Caesar's Palace
I guarantee he would have sold the joint out.
If the Lions have said "_______ has no head coaching experience, but we like the way he thinks, he's done a great job as coordinator at five different places and he's gonna put this infuriating 53 piece puzzle together", people would have howled, called the radio, their congressman and Gambler's Anonymous and Valentine Vodka ( to see if they delivered), but there would have been some joy in the mystery. Now, the best thing we can say is that he was on the sideline for one Lombardi trophy with a QB who was groomed by Cam Cameron and only one Lombardi Trophy with a guy in his prime who now is almost eligible to join the AARP, who has been cut into more times than Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Secretary and is on the verge of winning one more.
"It's a note from Sammy Watkins' agent. It says he ain't gonna be around at #10."
Jim Caldwell made a tepid little tape for Lions fans telling them what they already know: There are some beasts on defense and some exciting players on offense.
Duh. We would like to know what you plan on doing with them so that there are playoff tickets at will call.
In that tape, and in interviews, he comes off as an earnest, pleasant guy.
That counts for a ton in a next door neighbor, and for not jack shit in the NFL.
I sincerely want to write a long, public letter next December, apologizing to this nice man for having no faith in him. And I promise you, I will. I won't deliver it on my hands and knees…on second thought, if Jim Caldwell is the head coach of the Detroit Lions and guides them to the NFC Championship game within the next two years--they don't even have to win the damn thing-I will deliver a letter of apology to Jim Caldwell on my hands and knees.
*I own up to being a slappy as it is currently defined. In some circles, I'm even considered the Kelly Slater of slappies, which in the scheme of things is better than being considered the A.C. Slater of slappies.
Mike Sherman.
…and see what kind of vitriolic mayhem I would have unleashed. Because I much prefer vitriolic mayhem to resigned depression, which is kinda where I am now with the Caldwell hiring. I guess the average American sports fan would say "You still give a fuck about the Lions ? Of course you have resigned, dreary, hopeless depression you moron, you take 16 doses of the little silver and blue depressant every season."
I do. And Detroit obviously isn't a very uplifting destination for anyone with any true coaching success, because with the exception of the hysteria Tony Dungy created by saying he didn't want to coach again BUT IF he did, etcetera, there was never a moment when it seemed like Detroit was gonna get a guy who had a ring as a head coach (Billick, Gruden, Cowher, et.al were all technically available) And as far as I'm concerned, Tony Dungy can take out his own rib and give himself some primetime network headset, because he only won one ring with one of the greatest QB's ever.
So now we have the underling of the guy who squandered a decade of Peyton Manning's career, a guy who in 8 years at Wake Forest won a whopping 26 games, (but he did win the Aloha Bowl, so I guess that means we just have to lei here and take it).
The new rallying cry of the Lions slappies (a term I have never liked but will use for lack of a better one*) is "give Caldwell a chance." The thing is that that philosophy is okay in sports that play 80+ games a season. It doesn't apply to football. With the current contracts and players, the Lions have to win soon (ahahahahahahaha…..whimper….sob).
I'd rather have a complete unknown…I think Evel Knievel could have sold even more tickets if he had come out and said "I am going to jump a huge assload of shit. A whole bunch of really big, long, scary shit with jagged metal parts I really don't wanna land on. Come see me try it at the Astrodome."
sold the team to the guy who owns Little Caesar's Palace
I guarantee he would have sold the joint out.
If the Lions have said "_______ has no head coaching experience, but we like the way he thinks, he's done a great job as coordinator at five different places and he's gonna put this infuriating 53 piece puzzle together", people would have howled, called the radio, their congressman and Gambler's Anonymous and Valentine Vodka ( to see if they delivered), but there would have been some joy in the mystery. Now, the best thing we can say is that he was on the sideline for one Lombardi trophy with a QB who was groomed by Cam Cameron and only one Lombardi Trophy with a guy in his prime who now is almost eligible to join the AARP, who has been cut into more times than Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Secretary and is on the verge of winning one more.
Jim Caldwell made a tepid little tape for Lions fans telling them what they already know: There are some beasts on defense and some exciting players on offense.
Duh. We would like to know what you plan on doing with them so that there are playoff tickets at will call.
In that tape, and in interviews, he comes off as an earnest, pleasant guy.
That counts for a ton in a next door neighbor, and for not jack shit in the NFL.
I sincerely want to write a long, public letter next December, apologizing to this nice man for having no faith in him. And I promise you, I will. I won't deliver it on my hands and knees…on second thought, if Jim Caldwell is the head coach of the Detroit Lions and guides them to the NFC Championship game within the next two years--they don't even have to win the damn thing-I will deliver a letter of apology to Jim Caldwell on my hands and knees.
*I own up to being a slappy as it is currently defined. In some circles, I'm even considered the Kelly Slater of slappies, which in the scheme of things is better than being considered the A.C. Slater of slappies.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Brutal ? They'll Wake Up Tomorrow and Not Even Be McSorley
I have a buddy who, despite my protestations, is a Caps fan, and he messaged me about another potential fight. So I could only assume that a fight involving one of his beloved Borscht Beltway Ovechkins that had turned brutal without him notifying me meant that he had somehow fallen asleep.
I had no idea that it was possible he might have nodded off during the fight. Okay, it wasn't that bad. But it was only local news worthy and not brutal by the standards of decades of the NHL.
I've seen siblings duke it out worse without even getting thrown out of church. Some blood was drawn, but both guys seemed plenty capable of continuing. That qualifies as "brutal" in today's NHL. No wonder MMA is making so much money. Maybe they'll add ice and sticks in a few generations.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Victory Charade: But Brandy Chastain Narrowly Beat Him Out in The E...
Victory Charade: But Brandy Chastain Narrowly Beat Him Out in The E...: Some Portugese guy won the Ballon D'Or. They used to give that to the best futbol player in the world, but apparently that's ...
But Brandy Chastain Narrowly Beat Him Out in The Evening Gown Competition
Some Portugese guy won the Ballon D'Or. They used to give that to the best futbol player in the world, but apparently that's no longer a requirement. He's crying because the trophy doesn't match his tie and also because he was pepper sprayed for stealing the thing from Lionel Messi in the first place. He thanked the person who invented the mirror and his girlfriend for not telling the press he calls out Ricky Martin's name during their infrequent sex.And lastly, he expressed his gratitude to the hundreds of doctors who have telepathically healed his many career threatening injuries from afar as he writhed in agony on the pitch, only to rise from the ground like the flaming bird that he is.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
You'd Use Growth Hormone, Too, Your Honor, If You Were Bangin' Cameron Diaz
Alex Rodriguez is suspended for the entire 2014 baseball season. It's January, and I wish that was the last we were gonna hear about it. But we're gonna hear about it endlessly. I swear, and hold me to this, I will make an over/under for how many times his name his mentioned during the 2014 World Series whether the the Yankees are in the damn thing or not.
Alex Rodriguez should have been a tax accountant. Those guys are paid to find every trick and loophole imaginable. Alex Rodriguez, by all accounts, was a tremendously gifted baseball player who got a monster contract at a very young age. He wasn't a case of a margin player just trying to stay in the game to "feed his family". His whole family could have wound up on The Biggest Loser sweatin' off filet mignon for the undeniably alluring ab crunching, rug munching Jillian Michaels…
Yeah, we know. You don't like boys.
We don't care. We like you back.
...just off the interest on his first sports drink contract.
Let me make something clear (and "the cream") : I don't have a problem with performance enhancers per se. I understand why some players would be tempted; I understand wanting to be better at something, it's why I flunked 7th grade trying to finish that ball bearing maze game.
I understand peer pressure, otherwise I never would have been caught dead in moon boots. And I understand wanting to earn more money, because right now I'm so broke I don't just wanna sell plasma, I wanna steal other people's and scalp it.
But Alex Rodriguez had tons of money, tons of talent (and a long offseason with nothing to do but keep in shape) and had to be the envy of many aspiring major leaguers. And ya know what ? I might still let him slide, except for one major thing: He's fighting it. He pissed tested positive as early as 2002, admitted it and said he "deeply regretted" it.There is a fantastic New York Daily News Aroid timeline here.
If he "deeply regretted" it, he would have stopped. But he didn't, and toppled some records while his bloodstream was dirtier than Zug Island sushi. And now he's fighting his suspension??
I don't really care about Alex P. Cheatin's effect on baseball's "legacy" or baseball's holy place in pastoral American lore. Hi, Major League Baseball, some of the most talented American baseball players weren't even allowed to play for half a goddamn century, so you can swallow the pious bullshit that HGH and P.E.R. soiled your virgin underclothes.
I do care that a rich spoiled asshole who knows he's guilty is gonna drag out this TruTV saddle soap opera when I'm simply trying to watch Justin Verlander make the Seattle Mariners go Cano and 27.
In one of the few things the NCAA does right, when a team is on probation they are not allowed to appear on a national television broadcast and any records or trophies are vacated.
It would have been lovely if the former first ballot Hall of Famer would have issued a statement admitting that he's seen more needles than Keith Richards' guitar tech and gone quietly to just about anywhere on the globe, but again, he didn't. He's trying to salvage some kind of relationship with the national pastime after she caught him with "hitty porn", and it ain't gonna happen.
So baseball telecasts, ala the NCAA, should omit any reference to him, his absence, the "ongoing" issue, or anything else that doesn't occur between the foul lines, because Alex Rodriguez has been crossing a line he knew was foul for decades and he just doesn't deserve our attention any longer. He was on the original CBS Newsmagazine tonight, but I didn't watch, because as far as I'm concerned, his 60 minutes are up.
Alex Rodriguez should have been a tax accountant. Those guys are paid to find every trick and loophole imaginable. Alex Rodriguez, by all accounts, was a tremendously gifted baseball player who got a monster contract at a very young age. He wasn't a case of a margin player just trying to stay in the game to "feed his family". His whole family could have wound up on The Biggest Loser sweatin' off filet mignon for the undeniably alluring ab crunching, rug munching Jillian Michaels…
We don't care. We like you back.
...just off the interest on his first sports drink contract.
Let me make something clear (and "the cream") : I don't have a problem with performance enhancers per se. I understand why some players would be tempted; I understand wanting to be better at something, it's why I flunked 7th grade trying to finish that ball bearing maze game.
But Alex Rodriguez had tons of money, tons of talent (and a long offseason with nothing to do but keep in shape) and had to be the envy of many aspiring major leaguers. And ya know what ? I might still let him slide, except for one major thing: He's fighting it. He pissed tested positive as early as 2002, admitted it and said he "deeply regretted" it.There is a fantastic New York Daily News Aroid timeline here.
If he "deeply regretted" it, he would have stopped. But he didn't, and toppled some records while his bloodstream was dirtier than Zug Island sushi. And now he's fighting his suspension??
I don't really care about Alex P. Cheatin's effect on baseball's "legacy" or baseball's holy place in pastoral American lore. Hi, Major League Baseball, some of the most talented American baseball players weren't even allowed to play for half a goddamn century, so you can swallow the pious bullshit that HGH and P.E.R. soiled your virgin underclothes.
I do care that a rich spoiled asshole who knows he's guilty is gonna drag out this TruTV saddle soap opera when I'm simply trying to watch Justin Verlander make the Seattle Mariners go Cano and 27.
In one of the few things the NCAA does right, when a team is on probation they are not allowed to appear on a national television broadcast and any records or trophies are vacated.
It would have been lovely if the former first ballot Hall of Famer would have issued a statement admitting that he's seen more needles than Keith Richards' guitar tech and gone quietly to just about anywhere on the globe, but again, he didn't. He's trying to salvage some kind of relationship with the national pastime after she caught him with "hitty porn", and it ain't gonna happen.
So baseball telecasts, ala the NCAA, should omit any reference to him, his absence, the "ongoing" issue, or anything else that doesn't occur between the foul lines, because Alex Rodriguez has been crossing a line he knew was foul for decades and he just doesn't deserve our attention any longer. He was on the original CBS Newsmagazine tonight, but I didn't watch, because as far as I'm concerned, his 60 minutes are up.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
And Steve Young Wonders Why Number 9 Insists on Throwing Right Handed
Phil Simms was such a bland quarterback, stadiums he played in weren't even allowed to serve mustard with bratwurst. And I guess he thinks everyone who plays his position should be the same way, 30 years and titanic tectonic shifts in culture later.
Phil Simms on Matt Stafford:“... my starting quarterback when he comes to the sideline, I don’t want his hat going on backwards. It drives me crazy.”
Phil Simms on Matt Stafford:“... my starting quarterback when he comes to the sideline, I don’t want his hat going on backwards. It drives me crazy.”
Forget that whole whipping the ball sidearm cross-field on the run into the waiting arms of a guy in the wrong colored jersey thing. Simms thinks the backwards hat thing is an issue. Teams and leagues have been imposing dress codes on sidelines and on travel days and team functions for years, and guys that are nicely dressed walking into BP Oil Leak Domes are still getting charged with domestic violence and DUI and possession of a firearm and first degree murder. How you dress is not an indicator of how you behave, is it, Senator Armani ?
And other commentators and commenters are pissed that Stafford is sitting in on head coaching interviews. The same commentators who love to extol the virtues of the Bonnie & Clyde, Torvill & Dean, Hall & Oates team of Drew Brees and Sean Payton; the widely regarded Chang and Eng Bunker of the NFL.
Can you believe we won in an open
air stadium in Union territory ?
Could the fact that Stafford sits in on interviews cause tension in the locker room ? I guess, but I doubt Stafford is gonna reply "none of your Yellow Jacket's wax" when Calvin Johnson asks him what was discussed in the interview, and it's not like the long snapper has a radio inside his helmet for the coach to communicate directly to him. Quarterback is special. Football is the one sport where the line of communication from sideline to player is absolutely crucial every single offensive play, and agreeing on football philosophy is a great step toward a Lombardi Trophy. Why wait to start that relationship ?
There's nothing wrong with what the Lions are doing, in my mind. Stafford needs someone he trusts to work out his mechanics, not his aesthetics.
air stadium in Union territory ?
Could the fact that Stafford sits in on interviews cause tension in the locker room ? I guess, but I doubt Stafford is gonna reply "none of your Yellow Jacket's wax" when Calvin Johnson asks him what was discussed in the interview, and it's not like the long snapper has a radio inside his helmet for the coach to communicate directly to him. Quarterback is special. Football is the one sport where the line of communication from sideline to player is absolutely crucial every single offensive play, and agreeing on football philosophy is a great step toward a Lombardi Trophy. Why wait to start that relationship ?
There's nothing wrong with what the Lions are doing, in my mind. Stafford needs someone he trusts to work out his mechanics, not his aesthetics.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
The BBWAA Must Stand for "Bitch, Bitch, Whine, Agonize, Argue"
Today must have been North American Sports Freakout Day, and here is my rebuttal to most of it.
Greg Maddux isn't a unanimous Hall of Famer!!
Greg Maddux looks like a guy that would only apply to be a librarian if someone promised to have the custodian help him restock the heavy books on the top shelf. That fact that he made any sports HOF other than maybe bowling is a miracle. I love Greg Maddux. I watched him do a really cool thing for a street guy he knew outside of Wrigley when he was with the Braves, and he might have been the smartest guy in all of sports at his position during his career. He won a ton of games (after starting his career only winning in the single digits and losing in the doubles) and his whole body was the size of one of Roidger Clemens' thighs. If you would have asked him in 1987, he would have been happy if he was invited to his high school reunion
Greg who ? Did we cheat off him in chemistry lab?
and he would have choked on his Big League Chew if someone would have mentioned the Hall of Fame to him.Now he's in. So who gives a losing Pete Rose bet slip how many votes he got?
The big stink was over the L.A. reporter who was only going to vote for Jack Morris, who had a 100 less wins then Maddux and who reporters liked about as much as sports writers like the words "last call". That one lack of vote allegedly was gonna ruin "Mad Dog"'s shot at immortality.
As it turned out, Maddux wasn't close to unanimous or even Tom Seaver's record vote total. He simply got in, I'm sure he's thrilled and there is nothing to see here. Tom Glavine and Frank Thomas got enshrined, too and they both damn well deserved it. In the words of Judge Smails "Don't you people have hoooooommmmes??"
A bunch of my favorite guys got left off the USA Hockey roster!!
A generation ago, the US was playing Minnesota farm boys against Central Red Army tank commanders and still won. Now USA hockey is a world power, and not everyone can make the small squad that goes to Sochi. Forget bitching about it, have some fun with it and start a rumor that Dustin Byfuglien and Jack Johnson were left off the roster because the US is afraid they're gonna defect and play for the KHL. Be happy that the US has some choices now and that the Soviet Union is splintered into more Stans than a South Park cosplay convention.
Dwyane Wade Travels More Than Anthony Bourdain!!
The NBA doesn't bother to even enforce a basic, inherent rule of the sport. What else is ancient in that irrelevant spectacle? It's one thing to let players drag a one square inch of rubber when they are driving to the hoop for one of a million dunks that will show up on highlight reels even though they're more common than wheat pennies, but to let someone who is supposed to be one of the most talented players of his era stumble around like Dennis Rodman after a gallon of soju in Kim Jong Un's inflatable palace is just stupid. You know what the solution to shit like this is ? Watch the NHL. It takes actual skill to skate and with a few Sid notable Ney exceptions Crosby, everyone has to play by the same damn rules.
Greg Maddux isn't a unanimous Hall of Famer!!
Greg Maddux looks like a guy that would only apply to be a librarian if someone promised to have the custodian help him restock the heavy books on the top shelf. That fact that he made any sports HOF other than maybe bowling is a miracle. I love Greg Maddux. I watched him do a really cool thing for a street guy he knew outside of Wrigley when he was with the Braves, and he might have been the smartest guy in all of sports at his position during his career. He won a ton of games (after starting his career only winning in the single digits and losing in the doubles) and his whole body was the size of one of Roidger Clemens' thighs. If you would have asked him in 1987, he would have been happy if he was invited to his high school reunion
and he would have choked on his Big League Chew if someone would have mentioned the Hall of Fame to him.Now he's in. So who gives a losing Pete Rose bet slip how many votes he got?
The big stink was over the L.A. reporter who was only going to vote for Jack Morris, who had a 100 less wins then Maddux and who reporters liked about as much as sports writers like the words "last call". That one lack of vote allegedly was gonna ruin "Mad Dog"'s shot at immortality.
As it turned out, Maddux wasn't close to unanimous or even Tom Seaver's record vote total. He simply got in, I'm sure he's thrilled and there is nothing to see here. Tom Glavine and Frank Thomas got enshrined, too and they both damn well deserved it. In the words of Judge Smails "Don't you people have hoooooommmmes??"
A bunch of my favorite guys got left off the USA Hockey roster!!
A generation ago, the US was playing Minnesota farm boys against Central Red Army tank commanders and still won. Now USA hockey is a world power, and not everyone can make the small squad that goes to Sochi. Forget bitching about it, have some fun with it and start a rumor that Dustin Byfuglien and Jack Johnson were left off the roster because the US is afraid they're gonna defect and play for the KHL. Be happy that the US has some choices now and that the Soviet Union is splintered into more Stans than a South Park cosplay convention.
Dwyane Wade Travels More Than Anthony Bourdain!!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Don Cherry, Part One of Many
We will never see the likes of Don Cherry again. I found out from a hot, funny chick in a furry hat.
On one of those inane but apparently necessary New Year's Eve Ball Drop and Lip Sync Extravaganzas, comedian Natasha Leggero cracked an innocuous joke that, of course, someone had to jump all over as the most outrageously offensive thing that's ever happened to U.S. Armed Service members since Roger Staubach lost a Super Bowl. If you don't know what she said, read it here.
If her joke offends you, I guarangoddamntee you I will offend you, probably before this post is over, so run. Her "apology", or lack thereof ,letter is spot on.
Society is too sensitive, IMHO, which is an acronym that might be something sacred in Esperanto, but I really don't care.
What does a Natasha Leggero have to do with Don Cherry ?
We already know that Don Cherry is truly one of a kind. The only sports figure even in his phylum (marginal player turned beloved cultural icon) is Bob Uecker and he actually calls the games.
Through one lens, Don Cherry is a brash, arrogant, violence glorifying ethnocentric buffoon who dresses like a clown. Fortunately, that lens is an obscure one kept inside a dusty camera bag that is not allowed within 500 yards of my person. Yep, he has his detractors, I've acknowledged them, now let's move on.
Don Cherry in the same Coaches Corner segment, can say exactly what the relatively knowledgeable fan at home has been screaming at the screen and point out a strategic approach or nuance that even the most Howie MorENzSA candidate lifer might have missed. He does it in suits louder than the first row at Hammersmith Odeon during a Motorhead show, he cuts off the professional and vastly under-appreciated Ron MacLean, and occasionally crosses lines of dinner party politeness, like the now infamous "chicken (shit) Swede" comment.
The Swedish Chef invites you to sample some of his Aspen Wheat Grass
and try to fuckin' relax
I'm sure he repeated on air exactly what he thought. He cares about hockey, he cares about Canada, and I'm sure most of all he cared about the dozens of small-town Canadian kids who were losing their jobs to Europeans that played a different style of hockey than the NHL was used to (but has now embraced). I don't believe for a minute that it's all schtick, other than his pushing people's boutonnières
with the trademark Syd and Marty Krofft inspired wardrobe.
And a network will never have another guy like him, real or invented. In the U.S. and even now Canada, with Sportsnet taking over the rights to Hockey Night in Canada from the CBC, there is simply too much competition for someone to risk bad blood, a sponsor pull out or any sort of boycott. I'm willing to predict that a struggling sports program could subtly choreograph a bit of faux controversy to boost their numbers, but they will never give another "personality" a gaping A gap* (or "eh gap" as the case may be in the CFL) to scamper through, pontificating on any topic like Grapes does on HNIC.
I know this because a comedian, late in the evening, made a joke about dentures, for Christ's (who may or may not have been the son of God's) sake {Yeah, I just said that. It's either fair to both sides or someone's offended now. I don't have any sponsors, or a boss}.
Does Don Cherry have to say things that may or may not be offensive to certain nationalities, interests, ethnicities, generational, or lifestyle groups to exist ? No. But when people truly speak their mind, those things can occasionally come out. Howard Cosell might have had his mustard yellow Monday Night Football blazer stripped from him after describing an African American Washington Redskin (you cannot invent that brilliant irony, kids) as a "little monkey" had it not been for the characteristically vocal support of Muhammad Ali. And there is no one left with half an iota of the cross cultural juice Ali has to save anyone's job today.
So when Don Cherry hangs up his Windsor knot and retires to Mississauga, not only will it be the end of a legends career, it will be the end of an entire broadcasting species. So enjoy him while you can. Unless you're easily offended, in which case you can go fuck yourself right now.
* This refers to a football blocking/rushing maneuver. Watch Jon Gruden for 10 minutes and he'll probably say it.
On one of those inane but apparently necessary New Year's Eve Ball Drop and Lip Sync Extravaganzas, comedian Natasha Leggero cracked an innocuous joke that, of course, someone had to jump all over as the most outrageously offensive thing that's ever happened to U.S. Armed Service members since Roger Staubach lost a Super Bowl. If you don't know what she said, read it here.
If her joke offends you, I guarangoddamntee you I will offend you, probably before this post is over, so run. Her "apology", or lack thereof ,letter is spot on.
Society is too sensitive, IMHO, which is an acronym that might be something sacred in Esperanto, but I really don't care.
What does a Natasha Leggero have to do with Don Cherry ?
We already know that Don Cherry is truly one of a kind. The only sports figure even in his phylum (marginal player turned beloved cultural icon) is Bob Uecker and he actually calls the games.
Through one lens, Don Cherry is a brash, arrogant, violence glorifying ethnocentric buffoon who dresses like a clown. Fortunately, that lens is an obscure one kept inside a dusty camera bag that is not allowed within 500 yards of my person. Yep, he has his detractors, I've acknowledged them, now let's move on.
Don Cherry in the same Coaches Corner segment, can say exactly what the relatively knowledgeable fan at home has been screaming at the screen and point out a strategic approach or nuance that even the most Howie MorENzSA candidate lifer might have missed. He does it in suits louder than the first row at Hammersmith Odeon during a Motorhead show, he cuts off the professional and vastly under-appreciated Ron MacLean, and occasionally crosses lines of dinner party politeness, like the now infamous "chicken (shit) Swede" comment.
and try to fuckin' relax
I'm sure he repeated on air exactly what he thought. He cares about hockey, he cares about Canada, and I'm sure most of all he cared about the dozens of small-town Canadian kids who were losing their jobs to Europeans that played a different style of hockey than the NHL was used to (but has now embraced). I don't believe for a minute that it's all schtick, other than his pushing people's boutonnières
with the trademark Syd and Marty Krofft inspired wardrobe.
And a network will never have another guy like him, real or invented. In the U.S. and even now Canada, with Sportsnet taking over the rights to Hockey Night in Canada from the CBC, there is simply too much competition for someone to risk bad blood, a sponsor pull out or any sort of boycott. I'm willing to predict that a struggling sports program could subtly choreograph a bit of faux controversy to boost their numbers, but they will never give another "personality" a gaping A gap* (or "eh gap" as the case may be in the CFL) to scamper through, pontificating on any topic like Grapes does on HNIC.
I know this because a comedian, late in the evening, made a joke about dentures, for Christ's (who may or may not have been the son of God's) sake {Yeah, I just said that. It's either fair to both sides or someone's offended now. I don't have any sponsors, or a boss}.
So when Don Cherry hangs up his Windsor knot and retires to Mississauga, not only will it be the end of a legends career, it will be the end of an entire broadcasting species. So enjoy him while you can. Unless you're easily offended, in which case you can go fuck yourself right now.
* This refers to a football blocking/rushing maneuver. Watch Jon Gruden for 10 minutes and he'll probably say it.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Mr. Hayes Was On Medication and Thought Charlie Bauman was Joe Frazier
You have to have a real reason to hate your "rivals", otherwise they are just 'adversaries" or "competition". I watched this altercation live, and I could never picture Bo Schembechler doing anything remotely like this.
They say Woody Hayes had some maladies at the time that led him to this. Well, someone should have identified that. Shit, Gary Moeller got drunk off campus a few times and Michigan packed his bags like Samsonite was having a contest. Woody Hayes was employed by Ohio State after this incident until his death at the expense of the Ohio taxpayers (I'm assuming that's the 25 people who own Waffle House franchises, the demolition derby community and any members of the Cleveland Indians who were albino and couldn't safely reside in sunny Florida). Tonight the Aesculus glabra are playing the Clemson Tigers again. It's not an anniversary, per se, but it's a very vivid reminder of why I hate Ohio State. Enjoy.
They say Woody Hayes had some maladies at the time that led him to this. Well, someone should have identified that. Shit, Gary Moeller got drunk off campus a few times and Michigan packed his bags like Samsonite was having a contest. Woody Hayes was employed by Ohio State after this incident until his death at the expense of the Ohio taxpayers (I'm assuming that's the 25 people who own Waffle House franchises, the demolition derby community and any members of the Cleveland Indians who were albino and couldn't safely reside in sunny Florida). Tonight the Aesculus glabra are playing the Clemson Tigers again. It's not an anniversary, per se, but it's a very vivid reminder of why I hate Ohio State. Enjoy.
He Also Promised Me He'd Find Me The World's Tallest Man to Block Kicks
They both must know at least a little something about…
Right ?
The guy on the top is James "Bus" Cook. The wheels on that Bus were really going round and round this week. He negotiated a new contract for his client, Jay Cutler. He has many other famous former and current football playing clients, like Brett Favre, who reminds you of your cousin who is really cool, but leaves your party early and keeps coming back drunker, in different clothes; and Lions cyborg-like receiver Calvin Johnson, who dropped about four passes this season just to prove he was human so he could get a passport.
Jay Cutler is, at best, an average NFL quarterback who comes off as a bit fragile.
The man in the middle is Chicago Bears general manager Phil Emery. Emery went to Wayne State, bounced around the NFL and NCAA as a scout and a strength and conditioning coach and somehow wound up in the front office of the Bears after long time GM Jerry Angelo got told he could go sit at the bar at The Baton and never come back.
Bus Cook talked Phrugal Phil in to giving Cutler a new 7 year contract reported to be around $18 million a year with $54 million of that guaranteed.
To be fair, I could find a clitoris on a bull moose with a thorn it his paw more easily than I could pass a college level economics course, so obviously the Neil Degrasse Tyson astrophysics involved in NFL salary caps are way beyond me.
And I have no intention of discussing the basic idea that sports salaries are (and have been for years) grossly over-inflated. We know that, and it's not part of this discussion.
But 54 million guaranteed for Jay Cutler ?? Seven years ?
Every argument I've read that this is even a decent deal for the Bears franchise omits two words: "Jay"and "Cutler". I"m damn sure that Bears fans have been tired of the QB carousel, but there was another horse on that carousel who did quite a decent job when Cutler was injured and missed multiple games for the second time in three years. Josh McCown would have traded the headset for the headlines for about one fourth or less than what they just handed a guy with 2 turnover laden playoff appearances. I realize McCown is older and has bounced around the league, but even if Cutler's deal is cap friendly, McCown could have saved Emery enough to build another Monsters of The Midway in free agency and have some left over for a year's supply of cheezburgers and no Coke! Pepsi! at The Billy Goat Tavern.
The NFL and ESPN throw a party every year with festive multi-colored hats and tears of joy. It's called the draft, and teams get to pick a whole bunch of new players. Phil Emery-a scout by trade (he did find big play super stud Alshon Jeffery), could have at least tried to pluck the next Russell Wilson or Colin Kaepernick out of the next couple draft classes, but apparently Bus Cook showed him naked pictures of Rick Mirer and told him Cutler was his only hope.
Shit you can buy for $54 million: approximately 16 minutes of Super Bowl ads.
Shit you can't buy when you give Jay Cutler $54 million: A Super Bowl ring.
I think Bus Cook must have walked into Emery's office and said "If you don't wanna build through the draft, you're stuck with my guy and you might as well", and Emery just believed him. Either that or he made him believe Cutler's a three-legged, bearded Lombardi trophy.
Read every other analysis you can find of this deal. People who know more than me are talking about this offer against the cap vs franchise tag, the value of continuity with coach/scheme and quarterback/receivers, and who was a better Batman, Adam West or Val Kilmer, but they aren't saying that Jay Cutler is worth the money or the length of the deal. Because he isn't.
If they drafted AJ McCarron, more Bears fans would show up in Week 14 hoping to get a glimpse of Katherine Webb
Jimmy still would have found a way
to post this picture.
than they will because the Bears are 6-8 and mathematically clinging to a playoff dream.
Bus Cook just made himself and his client a ton of money for something that looks fairly plausible, but just isn't exactly what Phil Emery hopes it is.
The third picture at the top of the page is Phineas Taylor Barnum, a noted expert on birth rates of gullible individuals, and he'd be very, very proud.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
The Pool Doesn't Suck, But The Frozen Pond Is Good For Me
Sports venues are constantly being redesigned, re-imagined and rebooted to make a more "user friendly" venue until the fan expects a reach around.
I get it-less people go to live sporting events because they can DVR them into Xfinity and watch them while doing the Hulu on their Google Glass with Sensaround fumbles and scratch and sniff nachos.
Today I went to a live sporting event that offered a limited 105,491 edition seat cushion, sideways snow, a Himalayan frostbite experience, and the opportunity to catch hip joint herpes from a telemarketer from Guelph in a bootleg Darcy Tucker sweater smushed against me like we're in a Gibraltar Trade Center photo booth …and it was a joy.
Outdoor hockey has "something". What started as a novelty like glow in the dark condoms has turned into a very enjoyable regular occurrence like having sex with the lights on.
I don't need to plug my iPad into a dual data cable/massage port and check my out of town cricket fantasy scores while getting 3000 fingers of love in a climate controlled biosphere with organic pizza sprouts served to me by a replicant.
I got to watch a balls out, occasionally chaotic hockey game between two Original Six squads that came down to a sometimes infuriating OT and a shootout.
If I would have brought a Sherpa, he would have been ceremonially removing a black toe from me so gangrene didn't set in while Jimmy Howard characteristically coughed up the game winning goal.
Me, not getting a pedicure during a timeout.
But I'm not concerned (I am concerned with the Wings post-season chances, but that's for another blog. Probably Elliotte Friedman's) with the outcome, necessarily.
This is about how a sporting event is presented.
For the record, the rest rooms had such long lines I though the hand warmers might be spitting out dollar slot tokens. I saw one roving vendor selling some sort of sugared nut and no rum to wash them down with. The people in the first row are so far away from the ice they'd need a wrist rocket to launch a hat over the glass and Amazon to deliver an octopus.
But the atmosphere had nothing to do with Jumbotron exhortations or overly giddy mascots or free giveaways. It had something to do with a huge stadium full of mostly etched-in-the-heart hockey fans and their guests who were gonna stay until they saved their family money on cryogenics; screaming at the distant ice, calling the players by name, only hating their adversaries in the wrong color sweaters to a socially appropriate intense dislike (no fisticuffs at our end of the ice- c'mon, it wasn't Shitcago).
I won't lie, during TV timeouts I was dreaming of a hot tub and taking on Manon Rheame in an attached bubble hockey game,
Yeah, you couldn't score on her in either
definition of the term.
but during play, I didn't wanna be anywhere else, look at any out of town scores ( there weren't any, but still) or go to the Steak Bite Experience in the food concourse.
I know the Bettmans that be in hockey and other sports will continue to make opulent palaces in which to play the games, the same way the music business will continue to use auto tune, beat programs and every trick a machine will offer.
Music has been increasingly digitalized and homogenized over the years, and there has been a backlash. Many great musicians have been reintroducing analogue, stripping down recording sessions to bare essentials, and tossing the computer out as much as they can get away with. And it works.
The Winter Classic today had the same feeling. Stripped down, raw. Tube amps, broken strings, and chillingly wonderful.
I get it-less people go to live sporting events because they can DVR them into Xfinity and watch them while doing the Hulu on their Google Glass with Sensaround fumbles and scratch and sniff nachos.
Today I went to a live sporting event that offered a limited 105,491 edition seat cushion, sideways snow, a Himalayan frostbite experience, and the opportunity to catch hip joint herpes from a telemarketer from Guelph in a bootleg Darcy Tucker sweater smushed against me like we're in a Gibraltar Trade Center photo booth …and it was a joy.
Outdoor hockey has "something". What started as a novelty like glow in the dark condoms has turned into a very enjoyable regular occurrence like having sex with the lights on.
I don't need to plug my iPad into a dual data cable/massage port and check my out of town cricket fantasy scores while getting 3000 fingers of love in a climate controlled biosphere with organic pizza sprouts served to me by a replicant.
I got to watch a balls out, occasionally chaotic hockey game between two Original Six squads that came down to a sometimes infuriating OT and a shootout.
If I would have brought a Sherpa, he would have been ceremonially removing a black toe from me so gangrene didn't set in while Jimmy Howard characteristically coughed up the game winning goal.
But I'm not concerned (I am concerned with the Wings post-season chances, but that's for another blog. Probably Elliotte Friedman's) with the outcome, necessarily.
This is about how a sporting event is presented.
For the record, the rest rooms had such long lines I though the hand warmers might be spitting out dollar slot tokens. I saw one roving vendor selling some sort of sugared nut and no rum to wash them down with. The people in the first row are so far away from the ice they'd need a wrist rocket to launch a hat over the glass and Amazon to deliver an octopus.
But the atmosphere had nothing to do with Jumbotron exhortations or overly giddy mascots or free giveaways. It had something to do with a huge stadium full of mostly etched-in-the-heart hockey fans and their guests who were gonna stay until they saved their family money on cryogenics; screaming at the distant ice, calling the players by name, only hating their adversaries in the wrong color sweaters to a socially appropriate intense dislike (no fisticuffs at our end of the ice- c'mon, it wasn't Shitcago).
I won't lie, during TV timeouts I was dreaming of a hot tub and taking on Manon Rheame in an attached bubble hockey game,
definition of the term.
but during play, I didn't wanna be anywhere else, look at any out of town scores ( there weren't any, but still) or go to the Steak Bite Experience in the food concourse.
I know the Bettmans that be in hockey and other sports will continue to make opulent palaces in which to play the games, the same way the music business will continue to use auto tune, beat programs and every trick a machine will offer.
Music has been increasingly digitalized and homogenized over the years, and there has been a backlash. Many great musicians have been reintroducing analogue, stripping down recording sessions to bare essentials, and tossing the computer out as much as they can get away with. And it works.
The Winter Classic today had the same feeling. Stripped down, raw. Tube amps, broken strings, and chillingly wonderful.
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