Thursday, August 30, 2018

And In the 5th Round I Draft the Make A Wish Kid Who Fetches the Tee

The "Fantasy" in Fantasy Football has never been more apropos. I don't mean fantasy like Brad Hamilton spanking it to a topless Linda Barrett in Fast Times, I mean fantasy like the deep, time warping and perception altering of the magic in David Eddings tales.

The first "fantasy" sport was baseball, called "Rotisserie" after the restaurant in which the participants met. Complex, but simple. A hit was a hit, a strikeout was a strikeout, etc. Box scores had been with us for nearly a century in 1980 when Rotisserie baseball was created, and books, even encyclopedias had been written about the statistical magic of the game. The concept was transferred to football and the hobby/pastime/divorce accelerator exploded. I participated in my first Fantasy Football draft in 1990. No websites, no cheat sheets, just official rosters out of USA Today and eight sports nerds huddled around a coffee table drinking beer and basically shouting the names of our favorite players until we had a QB, two RB's...yeah, if you've read this far you get it. 
That was Quest for Fire. Now, it's Star Trek TNG. Computer simulations, mocks, everything broken down and laid out for ya: "How many yards per carry does Aaron Ripowski have in domed stadiums after Thanksgiving when Aquarius is rising ? Get your $189.99 monthly Tagliaboom! Subscription and find out!"
Except the league changed the rules. The one about tackling. They have played exactly ZERO regular season games, since Roger "Is that my ass? I only have two hands, can someone help me find my ass?" Goodell and his merry band of head injury defendants decided that it is a 15 yard penalty and possible ejection if "A player lowers his helmet to establish a linear body posture prior to initiating and making contact with the helmet". Is that a lyric from Subterranean Homesick Blues I've forgotten ? How about " contact clearly avoidable and player delivering the blow had other options". Like what, Rog ? Twice Baked Potato instead of Soup ? The defensive player's job is to make contact with the guy with the ball, not save you 15% on your liability insurance. 
There are no computer models to tell us how individual defensive players are going to adapt their game, there are only good guesses (based on preseason) which officials are more prone to flagging what was a legal tackle last fucking season and we've already seen players turning their backs on ballcarriers in the red zone because they have instinctively lowered their helmets already.
I don't care what your personal past performance in fantasy is, I don't care what the myriad draft projections say: You cannot come close to accurately predicting who is going to score because a fundamental element of the game has changed. You have no way of knowing who will adapt and who will be gathering hankies like the front row of an Elvis concert. 
Just for fun: Print your projections or the projections of the fantasy football website you most trust. Tape them to the wall next to your Lawrence Phillips fathead and in January you can see what a complete disaster predicting this season has been.I guarantee you it will be more evil magic than it is Phoebe Cates topless.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Spread Too Thin

Imagine if you only had access to one brand of peanut butter for your whole life.You loved it. You proudly wore t-shirts with the peanut butter logo on it and you frequently toured the factory to watch peanut butter being made. A few other brands briefly popped up with great fanfare but were laughed at and ignored and then it was back to the brand you grew up on. The peanut butter was so popular that it was a source of pride for the area in which you lived. In fact, a kid from your high school got a rare and highly sought after job at the peanut butter factory and it was the talk of your town.
Everyone ate the peanut butter at least once a week. It was just a given. This was your peanut butter. There was no reason to question it. Until one day there was; rumors started that the way they made the peanut butter was causing the workers to have chronic illnesses. It made you wonder, but you dismissed it. People had dreamed their whole life of getting a lucrative job at the peanut butter factory, nothing's perfect, it was the sacrifice they were willing to make... you were still gonna enjoy your peanut butter. 
Then there were whispers that consumers were finding hair in their jars of peanut butter. Gotta be an isolated incident, right ? This is the peanut butter we grew up on! This peanut butter is an institution.They'll do whatever they can to make sure no more hair gets in the peanut butter. But then the reports of hair in the peanut butter became more frequent.
The company had to issue a statement. They promised that they are working on the problem. Hair continued to be found. They released another statement saying they were still exploring theproblem but due to mechanical and personnel issues, there was always going to be a chance that some hair would enter the peanut butter.
Then one day it was in your jar of peanut butter.It was disgusting, but other people had experienced it and it didn't kill them. Suck it up, it's just a few hairs. Pick it out and enjoy the peanut butter.
So you did, you went on, finished that jar and got a new one. And there was even more hair. People said " Do you realize how hard it is to make peanut butter ?" You realized that making peanut butter is a difficult task, but you also remember when they somehow managed to make it without the damn hair. 
And now, when you went to work on Monday, that was the topic of conversation. It seems every single jar has hair in it.It was the rule and not the exception.
For a while, every time you opened a new jar you hoped that this jar would be like the old jars. It might not be perfect, but it would be better. And for years, every time you opened a jar of peanut butter with that hopeful thought in mind, you were disappointed.Then one day your jar was more hair than peanut butter. You didn't care if the whole world was willing to overlook the hair to get their hands on that peanut butter, you were sick of it. 
You had written letters asking the peanut butter makers to explain and even though you got a letter back, it didn't answer any of your questions. They seemed to realize "We're the only peanut butter manufacturer. We don't have to make our peanut butter any better. In fact, people are willing to defend our peanut butter for free. Why should we change ?"
And your response was " There's no law saying I have to eat peanut butter at all".
That's me and the NFL.I didn't watch the divisional round. I didn't watch the conference championships. I won't be watching the Super Bowl for the first time in my life. It has nothing to do with anyone kneeling, standing, doing jumping jacks or backflips. It has everything to do with what happens between the lines and in the boardrooms. The peanut butter is terrible now and I refuse to buy it. You wanna keep buying, keep buying. But don't complain to me about hair.Hair is part of what you agree to accept every time you unscrew that lid.