Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Moe is Now the Second Greatest American Howard

There's no "I" in team, but if there was, it would be between a "T" and an "M".
In what was the most important men's soccer match in US history, one man stood (and jumped, lunged, kicked and punched) between two posts 8 yards apart and between a demoralizing defeat and what turned out to be a thrilling but heartbreaking extra time loss.
                                            I assure you that in a few smaller World Cup
                                             nations he would win the popular vote based 
                                           on his performance.

Those who aren't on the winning side are not generally remembered. But I don't think anyone who watched the US v Belgium match Tuesday evening will ever forget the mind blowing brilliance of Tim Howard.
Howard was so good he knew when to withdraw his hand and let the crossbar do the job for him so as not to concede another of what seemed to be a clown car parade of corner kicks for the Belgians.
That game could easily have been 5-0 at the end of 90 minutes and bar TVs turned to baseball pre- game shows, but where I watched couples who sauntered into the bar for an after work beer were applauding right along with the Stars and Stripes diehards.
Instead of an embarrassing blowout, the game extended zero-zero into extra time, courtesy of a bearded, gloved acrobat who seemed to magically appear in front of more balls than Jenna Jameson's lower lip.
Howard might have even carried the US to victory had sub Chris Wondolowski not pulled a Scott Norwood late in the match and booted the ball wide right of a nearly vacated Belgian net.
And lest you think I'm being some national side homer trying to find extra change for a 40 ouncer in a pocket full of lint, Belgian captain Vincent Kompany--who won a Premiere league title with Manchester City-- tweeted "Two Words: Tim Howard # Respect" after the match.
                                            Courtesy of Troll Football
Officially, Howard made the most saves by a World Cup goalkeeper since 1966 when they started keeping records (Really, FIFA ? You're historically bad at shit too ??) and more than likely the most ever ( correct me on that if you want, I'm not researching it).
Yes, it's an L, and the Americans don't get a chance to prove themselves against the Best Player of his and many other generations, Lionel Messi. But soccer is known in many places as "The Beautiful Game" and not too many goalkeepers have ever played as beautifully as Tim Howard did last night.







                    

Friday, June 6, 2014

PK Subban Will Fly to San Antonio with Some Magnesium and Kleenex. Coach.

The video below is hockey. There are many, many more examples of this kind of mental and physical fortitude. If you are not already aware of the lengths to which Steve Yzerman went to stay on the ice, read up on it. Some of the surgeries he had sound almost medieval.
Trust me, Bobby Baun did not make enough money or endorsements from his NHL career to be able to retire to luxury (or at all ) with a limp.




Tonight in pro basketball. The biggest star in the game. A guy who orchestrated transactions for his own dream team. A guy who will never ever have to have a day job again in his life.  Quoting ESPN:
"(Lebron) James exited the game with 7:31 remaining in the fourth quarter because of cramping but returned with 3:59 left for one play, finishing a driving layup. He signaled to come out immediately after, limping to the bench before having to be carried off".
I won't even put his picture up here. Anyone who gives their money to that sorry charade--I'd rather watch some B-lister play charades on Hollywood Game Night, just so ya know-- might as well launch a Kickstarter to get Tommy Lee a dick extension.
The Larry O'Brien Trophy means nothing to NBA players anymore except the sports drink endorsements that go along with them. Isn't that ironic ? These miracle elixirs that are supposed to ward off things like cramps ?
Be honest: If you're a casual NBA fan did you even know it was called the Larry O'Brien Trophy ? You know what the Stanley Cup means to hockey players in at least 8 nations: Everything.
Whatever the NBA had is lost in a sea of wealth and privilege and individual desires, not efforts.
Their biggest ambassador hung a sign from the embassy tonight that says "Why Do You Care? We Don't".
And guess what, the sports drink industry does have an opinion on the alleged "superstar":
http://www.cbssports.com/nba/eye-on-basketball/24581790/gatorade-twitter-account-trolls-lebron-james-over-cramping



Thursday, June 5, 2014

World Cup 2014: After the US and Ghana Advance, He Wants to Meet Tonya Harding

The World Cup is just around the corner and that can only mean two things:
Guys whose moms still have their socks framed from the CYO basketball game in which they poured in 6 points will complain that there's not enough scoring, and witch doctors.
Wait, witch doctors?
{As sensitive as people are now, I'm sure there is a more polite term for 'witch doctor' that I'm completely oblivious to, so if you'd like to comment and tell me what it is-feel free, just skip the story about how your uncle the non-traditional physician with the cauldron couldn't get into Harvard Med School and had to drive a cab and got shot and now has a prosthetic bone through his prosthetic nose}.
Or whatever.


                                   Kwaku Bonsam:Probably closer to a real doctor than Phil

Yeah, I didn't make that up.
According to dozens of sources, a Ghanian witch doctor is not only taking credit for Cristiano Ronaldo's  knee injury, he claims he has dogs helping him concoct a potion to make the injury worse, and even move it around to make it more difficult to treat.
I don't think I even got my first aid ribbon at summer camp, but I'm inclined to think that Crissy's patellar tendinosis  just may have been caused by the unforgiving turf that he flails to every time a Barcelona supporter opens a beer to roughly.
I am worried the good doctor just became the Salman Rushdie of Portugal, but I applaud his efforts.
Crissy is such a sensitive head case that when (if?) the winner of the Ballon d'Or ( French for tears of a clown) gets on the pitch in Brazil he might actually be distracted by the voodoo. He may even miss a few scheduled tantrums.
The US also happens to be in Group G along with Germany, Portugal and Ghana and they are gonna need all the help they can get to advance.
In 1980 at Lake Placid, Al Michaels famously said "Do you believe in miracles ? Yes!"
Don't discount other people's belief systems just because they are different from yours and apparently involve dog urine.
In 2014 in Brazil, do I believe in Kahwiri Kapam ? Maybe.


Wednesday, June 4, 2014

2014 Stanley Cup Finals: Farewell Ron MacLean

Sports media and marketers love to dub everything "The Road to" or "The Quest for". Tonight is the first game of Stanley Cup Finals, and among other things, that signifies the uncharted, dusty path down to Ron MacLean's departure from Hockey Night in Canada.
The 2014 Cup final is also a coast to coast, NYC vs LA final, which not only gives the series a touch more glamour, it means the same marketers that conjure up crap like "The Freeway of Love to The Chase for The Boulevard of Glory" can keep their Cialis on ice because two huge markets is a built in hard-on for 'em. Lot's of "households" will be watching, and that's good for business.
As I type this, CBC commentator Elliotte Friedman admitted to colleague P. J. Stock that he was jazzing up his preview to appeal to viewers on both coasts "for the advertisers".


But screw that. This is the greatest team sport in North America. It doesn't need marquee stars like the ones that virtually run the Nattering Billionaire Alliance and , not coincidentally, wind up in the Finals year after year.
There are many reasons to watch that have nothing to do with Broadway, Hollywood, advertisers, or slogans.
-The winners don't just get to pose with the trophy. They get their name etched on it. Forever.
-It's the only one of the Big 4 with true sudden death overtime. (Walk off HR? Not if you're the road team).
-Ron MacLean between periods, who has never gotten enough credit for his ability to keep the beloved Don Cherry from going completely off the decorum and continuity rails.
-Warren Buffett has nothing on me.I'll bet you a triillion dollars that Wayne Gretzky's former team wins the series.




Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Boston "Solong"…Who Do We Hate Next ? Anyone Left to Love ?

Good Riddance tonight to the Boston Bruins, an incorrigible cadre of evildoers coached by a guy who actually resembles Gru from Despicable Me.


Told ya. 

For Detroiters and Red Wings fans everywhere, that eliminated the team they were most rooting against. I'm sure some were rooting against Pittsburgh in large part because of Sidney Crosby. I assume everyone outside of Pennsylvania, Nova Scotia and the Tim Horton's marketing department roots against Sidney Crosby. So who do you root for now, and what's the criteria for picking them ?
This is where sports and film/TV entertainment differ so greatly. Kevin Spacey can play a villain, and you generally root against his character, in most cases, but you leave the theater saying "Kevin Spacey is an amazing actor", and you root for him when he's playing K-Pax, unless you're Milan Lucic and you're so dumb you think K-Pax is what your sister buys once a month. {I could have really made that a much more vulgar reference and next time the Wings play the Bruins I'm probably gonna regret not sprinting down that path}. In sports, you're pretty much pulling for the real human being at his real job.
And unless your name is Stu Grimson, you probably aren't a whole helluva lot different out of uniform.
So we know who we hate, and some of 'em are gone. Who do we root for now, Detroit ? Three Original 6 franchises left. Or the newbies from the west coast ?

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Norris Division Is The Space Between the Kidney and The Spleen

Major League Baseball's season is longer than the night before a prostate exam, so why do pitchers throw at the very next batter after they give up a home run ?
The Baltimore Orioles starter Bud Norris plunked Torii Hunter tonight after Ian Kinsler hit one so hard Barry Levinson bitchslapped his Oscar.
He was immediately ejected, then went in to a performance that looked like he wanted an Oscar of his own.
                                         Bud Norris, we don't really like you. Sally is cool though.

Dude. You hit Torii Hunter so square in the ribs that some orthopedic residents at Johns Hopkins took notes. You had to know that there was a good possibility you were gonna get tossed. Don't give me that "but it was a breaking ball" nonsense. Lots of major leaguers have sliders that crack 90 on the gun and they could hit Eddie Gaedel in the tear duct with 'em. 90 is gonna hurt whether it's a slider or the age of the last chick available at The Chicken Ranch
Tonight was the first freakin' game of the series. How about a little stealth and intrigue ?
Don't tell me about tradition and "sending a message", especially if you're not just gonna cop to it and walk to the clubhouse.
Pitching traditions change. So let's change this one. Brush back the guy who hit the home run with the first pitch thrown to him the next game. Sure, the starter who gave up the home run won't have that opportunity, but should you really get the little glory tantrum for screwing up in the first place ?
Don't get me wrong. Any drama injected into this new MLB that's watered down like Daddy's vodka after prom night is great with me. The other day, in the current video mediator MLB, Ron Gardenhire actually had a real argument and got tossed. I haven't been that happily nostalgic since I got to meet
Susan Olsen.
                                       L to R Didrik Davis, Cindy Brady, Me. Sam the Butcher 
                                            not pictured
So I'm not calling for anyone to outlaw the brushback, the occasional plunk, The Randy Johnson behind the back mindfuck, etc. I'm just wondering why pitchers aren't a little more patient about venting their frustrations.
And I don't know who your baseball agent is, Bud Norris, but stick with him. You really don't need a theatrical version.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Too Bad the NFL Banned Stickum,Because The Slope Can't Get Any Slipperier

Openly gay Missouri defensive standout Michael Sam got drafted by the St. Louis Rams. He's a helluva football player and I was 99% sure someone would draft him. ESPN had cameras present when he was notified and if you didn't think that was gonna happen please never apply to Specs Howard School of Media Arts. Don't even apply for Shemp Howard School of Anything.
Sam celebrated by kissing his partner. I saw lots of kissing and hugging when people were drafted, but of course Sam kissing his white male partner became its own little news item. I'm sure many people applauded or maybe even got choked up.
2nd year Miami Dolphins linebacker Don Jones was not applauding. He tweeted "Horrible".
Now Jones's bosses wanna have a little talk with him. And I wanna have a talk with them:
Dolphins GM Dennis Hickey, your team has lately been a purple blemish on the neck of the NFL and you and your league have much greater things to worry about than reprimanding people for one word tweets.If you allow your players to have twitter accounts-which is a huge source of free of charge marketing for the league-you must allow them some freedom to express themselves when they aren't helping your sorry ass team sell tickets.
I don't agree with Don Jones's assessment of Michael Sam being drafted and the subsequent celebratory kiss. If Michael Sam wanted to kiss a frog and make the ESPN crew sit there and wait for it to turn into a fucking Prince, he has the right to do so.

And Don Jones has the right to not like it. All he said was "Horrible". He didn't use a slur, threaten anyone, mention the NFL or any "corporate partners". He just said "Horrible". Some people think caramel is horrible, that doesn't mean they are gonna take it out of Twix bars.
Let me refresh your memory, Dennis. This weekend as all the players were drafted, your headmaster Roger Goodell,who I happen to think is horrible, stated the name of the college that they played football for. Do you really think that all the players coming out of all those different schools are going to have the same opinion on everything ? You have players in the league from Southern Methodist and BYU. The various military academies don't even see eye-to-eye on every issue. You cannot promote the ethnic and religious diversity of your league and turn around and slap someone's wrist for speaking their mind when it doesn't fall lockstep into your brand spanking new National Enlightenment League. I wouldn't blame you for banning Twitter accounts for all new contracts, Dennis. That crap last year with your O-Line made General Hospital look like Shakespeare. But until you ban Twitter and all its positives for your league, expect some opinions and respect some opinions, Dennis. It's a discussion, not a concussion.
Your league has to aggressively campaign to get kids to go out and play your sport, because many kids would rather sit on the sofa playing Madden, where they get to control every single action of every single player. Maybe you oughta give that a try, Dennis, and leave the real live football players to someone else.




Saturday, May 3, 2014

Richie Parker Has a Cooler Car Than You and Probably Drives it Better

It will be difficult, if not impossible to tell yourself you cannot do something after watching this.
http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=9499560
If you find inspiration in it, that's great. Though it might shame the shit out of you first.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Damn UCLA! He's Not the Grand Wizard of Westwood

UCLA has rejected a 3 million dollar donation for kidney research from LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling.
And in the process, they have just taken the coveted number 2 spot on my most hated colleges after Ohio State.*
Is it silly to root against a team of athletes because of a decision they had nothing to do with? Probably. But not nearly as silly as turning down that kind money from a guy who simply said some things most people find objectionable. You can read about the decision here:
http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/04/ucla-donald-sterling-donation
There is absolutely no evidence that Donald Sterling made his money illegally, and if you're gonna call into question all the ethics of billionaires then no one would be accepting money from billionaires. You don't get that rich without underpaying someone, destroying some part of the environment, or just being a dick in general.
So Sterling doesn't want his girlfriend hanging out with black dudes. So what ?
                                             Not quite Aryan, but produces really popular
                                             spoken word albums.
                                                
                                     Kidney disease is actually more prevalent in the African American community than it is in caucasians, so all UCLA is doing is potentially making less black dudes for her to hang around with. What kind of statement is that?
Donald Sterling spent a lot of his fortune for decades paying African Americans millions to not be very good at their job. To be fair, most Clippers, regardless of race, should have been on the Washington Generals, but the point is that some of that money benefitted the African American community. Nothing Sterling did or said--not once did I hear the dreaded, guaranteed to get your ass fired, middle of the alphabet epithet uttered--merits his money being turned down. I'm sure other philanthropists will step forward and cover the donation, but UCLA should have taken that money. In fact, my white "not-wanting-my-girlfriend-to-hang-out-with-anyone-better-looking-than-me-and-that's-a bunch-of-people" ass will go as far as saying UCLA could have taken that money conducted kidney research exclusively on African Americans and I would have applauded.
I was in a bar once (just once) when a guy punched a girl. In the ensuing melee, his wallet dropped out of his pants and someone who strongly resembles me used the money in it to buy drinks for the girl who got hit and for the rest of the bar. None of us liked or respected the guy, but we put the money to the best use possible at quarter to two.
UCLA already had the contents of Sterling's wallet. They never should have given it back.





* I can't even tell you who was number 2 before. It can't be MSU, because I root for them most of the time when they aren't playing Michigan. It was Nebraska after they shared the national championship with Michigan, but I've gotten over it. It can't be a college that rejected my application because that is too large a number to occupy one position on the chart.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

And Maybe Pujols Would Have Gotten Him J.B Schuck's Autograph

Albert Pujols hit his 498th career home run off Tiger closer Joe Nathan Saturday afternoon. I was there courtesy of my buddy Tommy B, and we knew the number of the home run was in the high 400's. It was an impressive looking thing too, at least from our perspective behind the visitor's dugout on the first base line. But it didn't land so far back in the crowd that a regular beer swilling Tiger fan couldn't throw the ball back on to the field. Which, after some coaxing, he did.
                                                    This guy would have kept it.

I love the tradition of throwing an opponent's home run back on to the field. I believe that originated at Wrigley in Chicago, and I'm not gonna research it any further because Wrigley is the coolest ballpark still standing, no one grades me on this blog and because you are not the boss of me. I wish I could say the tradition started at Tiger Stadium, but I didn't see it there until years after I first saw it at Wrigley. Besides, if it started at Tiger Stadium some bleacher bum with a BAC higher than Kaline's career average would have knocked out Chet Lemon*.
But that ball, even though it was not a milestone, was still a rare souvenir.
Only 26 players have hit 498 home runs or more. So there are only 26 possible balls with that exact number attached to them ever.
Strangely enough, two career 498's were hit at Comerica Park, the other being the talented but mercenary Gary Sheffield's blast off the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' Andy Sonnanstine.
On Saturday,a ball boy fetched the discarded ball and brought it over to the left field foul line, where he appeared to hand it to a kid. And I hope that kid's parent/legal guardian/scout leader/creepy next door neighbor knew the rarity of that baseball and arranged to have it autographed. I gotta imagine either Pujols would want the baseball himself in exchange for some pretty cool autographed gear, or at the very least he'd slap his signature on it and pose for a picture.
Either way, that was a ball worth holding on to temporarily. I know I wouldn't have succumbed to the grandstand peer pressure, though it is possible that after a few months I might have succumbed to eBay.



*Not very many home run balls landed in the upper deck bleachers in Tiger Stadium, so mostly Chet Lemon just had to deal with beach balls that smelled like shitty weed.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Playoff Highlights: Buy 'Em By The Sack

Utterly unjustifiable.
Hopefully the internet gods will let you watch the above video. They won't let me post it on here-you know that "any rebroadcast or retransmission of the pictures or accounts of this game…" speech you hear on sports TV. I think the video violates that little edict.
But not nearly as much as Boston winger Milan Lucic violated Danny DeKeyser's manhood.
Lucic was +30 this season, but in one shift he made DeKeyser a "minus two".
                                                    Photoshop it to a gold #17 yourself
Any hockey fan can look at that play, blank out the jerseys and say it's a complete sucker-ass-cheap-shot drunken rec league maneuver.
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck just moved in less than a mile from my house, and the odds are better that they come over with a jam box and break dance on my front porch in their Elektra and Daredevil costumes than there is that the Nut Hacking League will suspend Lucic for a playoff game. He'll get fined, and it will cost him a weekend skiing in Whistler, B.C. and it will be business as usual.
What he really needs is his ass kicked. A good D Mac-style attack until there's so many teeth on ice it looks like One Direction at a cryogenics lab.
No man for any reason should skate up from behind another man and hit him between the legs with a stick, unless maybe the recipient put an ad on craigslist for it.
There is no excuse for what Lucic did. But one of the factors in him doing it is that the league has been so successful in legislating fighting out of the game that Lucic didn't fear reprisal.
Never mind that people in the Bible Belt still don't give a rat's Ecclesiastes about hockey. The fighting is gone. Wasn't that gonna be the magic formula for America embracing the game ? Well, it didn't work.

It just means that one kid from British Columbia can fucking neuter another kid from Michigan as long as he's willing to pay 25 to 50 grand for the privilege.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Last Time The Wings Missed the Playoffs Al Roker was the Center of the Carolina Hurricanes

Tonight begins the Detroit Red Wings 23rd consecutive appearance in the NHL Playoffs. I could get all hype on it and call it "Quest for the Silver Chalice" or "Road to Lord Stanley's Grail" or "Six Weeks Trying to Explain the Significance of The Big Purple Octopus"*, but in reality- right now it's just an opportunity.
Actually, a couple of those playoff appearances the Wings arrived in a carriage that was already a pumpkin, and other times they were heavily favored but suffered the jinx of the President's Trophy. Okay, it's not really an official jinx, more like a bad omen; like your $500 escort having tissue on her face where she cut herself shaving.
                                              Bruins Jarome Iginla, Patrice Bergeron and
                                            Loui Eriksson enjoying the Boston Marathon

Boston, who currently totes the President's Trophy, is overwhelmingly favored to get their names etched on the Cup ( most of them for the second time ), but Vegas would just be a boring hot place with Elvis impersonators and roller coasters on rooftops if the favorite won every time.
Mike Babcock, who could win a game of Texas Hold 'em with a Three Card Monte hand, has been grooming Detroit's youngsters all season. Regardless of the overall record, the just-post-pubescent Wings have won three of four against the Bruins and they aren't exactly rookies anymore. Sure, Brendan Smith still occasionally uses his stick like he's Paul Reubens at a peep show and far-from-rookie Kyle Quincey sometimes looks like he'd be more comfortable taking Luke Glendening's old roster spot on the  Toledo Walleye, but the Wings are capable of winning this damn series. At the very least, they are capable of making it enjoyable for their fans and way more of a pain in the ass than Claude Julien wants to deal with in the first round.
Whatever happens, there are no fans of major professional sports teams from any other city in North America that have had the privilege of seeing their team vie for a championship 23 years in a row. And that's worth toasting even with a red plastic Solo cup.
Thanks for a fantastic franchise, Ilitch family.
LGW





*The four hockey divisions used to be Hanna, Barbera, Warner Bros, and King Features…wait…maybe not...

Monday, March 31, 2014

Richard Petty Can't Say Shit About Harli White

A friend of mine hates the way people throw around the word "inspiration". He's right. It's diluted like that 9th whiskey on the rocks you never should have poured yourself the night before.
But this ESPN feature should leave you with some strong sense: admiration, wonder, maybe even a healthy bit of puzzlement.
This is a sports blog, but you don't have to be a sports fan to appreciate this story. You just have to know how to pronounce "Holy Shit".http://espn.go.com/espnw/athletes-life/article/10696824/harli-hero-espnw

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Next Time You Get a DUI Tell the Judge You Won The Punt, Pass and Kick

The Jets signed Michael Vick. Not a shock that some NFL team would offer him a contract, and I'm  glad it wasn't the Lions.
I am, however, disappointed (though again, not shocked) that people who appreciate his vastly overhyped talents insist that Michael Vick "made a mistake". 
Jets fans now seem content to repeat "he made a mistake"just like the Eagles fans did, so I am more than willing to repeat this: It was not a "mistake". What Michael Vick did was a pattern of behavior over a period of many years that claimed the lives of multiple innocent animals. This pattern of behavior was run as a business-yes, a for-profit kennel operation for the financial gain of Michael Vick. That is not a mistake. That is willful disregard for living things in exchange for monetary reward. Michael Vick was making a more than comfortable living in his day job as quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons but still found the desire to torture animals in the name of more money. That is not the definition of mistake.
Due to the fact that Michael Vick was well compensated for his exploits on the football field, he was  able to afford top of the line legal representation who expertly whittled down the charges against their client so that he would serve the minimum amount of time incarcerated possible. That is how the system works.
John Hinckley's family was loaded and even after shooting the President of the United States of America he was allowed supervised home visits with his mommy and daddy. Is that okay with you ? Well, a judge said okay, so you must be. Your tax dollars went to transport him to his parents mansion. Still okay with that?  Do you accept every judge's decision that you've ever heard of ? Or just the ones that might help your favorite football team to possibly have a better chance of winning a goddamn trophy you might see once from 400 yards away at a parade ?
Had Michael Vick been actually held accountable for the direct and indirect deaths of every single one of those dead animals, the Jets would not have had a mobile, but fragile left handed quarterback with blood on his hands to sign unless Alberto DeSalvo was still alive. Because he'd still be in jail. Had the authorities popped him before his first pro contract, he'd still be in jail.
Michael Vick's clothing line is called redemption ? How the hell has he redeemed himself ? I have no idea what he even means by that.
But I do know this: Now that Vick has a new team, he has a whole new legion of motherfuckers with selective short memories that are praising him.
 And now J-E-T-S will always stand for "Just Exonerate The Sonofabitch".


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Do The Grand Rapids Griffins Have an Ozzie Smith ?

Jose Iglesias, the potential Omar Vizquel of shortstops (sorry, 'champagne of beers' was taken) might be out until after the All Star break. Maybe longer.
http://www.detroitnews.com/article/20140315/SPORTS0104/303150054/Reports-Injured-Tigers-shortstop-Jose-Iglesias-could-miss-most-season
This ain't playoff hockey. No one has any reason to lie except Stephen Drew's agent, and if he had planted that rumor Dave Dombrowski would be debunking it like Sgt Hartmann in Full Metal Jacket.
This leaves a hole in the Tiger infield bigger than the one in Kurt Cobain's head (not too soon).
After a Red Wings season that just about had David Ogden Stiers and Loretta Swit singing the National Anthem

This is the last thing Detroit Sports fans wanted to hear other than "Kate Upton gets Justin Verlander to quit the Beatles". The Tiger pitching staff, whose ERA just went up a point each, would buy that kid cadaver shins if they could (on a related note, RIP Dr. Frank Jobe, who performed the first "Tommy John" cadaver ligament surgery on a major league pitcher, which is way cooler than getting Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis named after you).*
Anyway, this is really bad news. Duh. If the Tigers put Iglesias on the 60 day DL, and I'm assuming they will, Vegas will immediately change the over/under on Tiger victories this season. And I'll give ya a hint: It ain't gonna go up.


*I just set a world record for getting the most Nirvana and Yankee fans pissed off at someone in a single blog.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Hey Lions!! Corners Aren't Just For Hookers Anymore

NFL free agency for fans is like a whole neighborhood of kids opening their presents together over a really long Christmas morning and none of them lying about how they like their new gifts. If that end is too tight or too expensive, you're gonna hear about it.
Obviously, fans of the Denver Broncos are the spoiled rich kids this year, and the working class Browns' dad must have hit the four digit lottery, because they added some talent while discarding two quarterbacks (Brandon Weeden and Jason Campbell) who couldn't get a first down if their dad owned a goose farm.
But I am from Detroit, and the Lions are the team that is my not-so-secret Santa.
Thank you for Golden Tate. I think he'll be a lovely addition to our collective toy chest.
Ummm, I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat (and really, can anyone who calls themselves a Lions fan be anything but a tired, forlorn soul who has choked on draft fruitcakes like Charles Rogers and Mike Williams ?) but a bunch of other kids are getting stud action figures like hmmmm, I don't know, I haven't given it that much thought but...

1. Darrelle Revis (Signed one-year, $12M deal with NE)
2. Brent Grimes (Re-signed four-year, $32M deal with MIA)
3. Aqib Talib (Signed six-year, $57M deal with DEN)
4. Alterraun Verner (Signed four-year, $25.5M deal with TB)
5. Vontae Davis (Re-signed four-year, $39M deal with IND)

And I realize you can't always get what you want, but…


how about…

1. Jairus Byrd (Signed six-year, $54M deal with NO)
2. T.J. Ward (Signed four-year, $23M deal with DEN)
3. Donte Whitner (Signed four-year, $28M deal with CLE)
4. Antoine Bethea (Signed four-year, $21M deal with SF)

I realize, Lions, that you just had a death in the family, so my feelings won't be hurt if you give your Visa card to John Elway and have him do the shopping for you, okay ?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Nobody's Perfect, Especially You: The Billion $ Bracket

Dan Gilbert, the burgermeister meisterburger of Downtown Detroit, and his pal Warren Buffet (who is like a really pleasant, old, caucasian Jay-Z when it comes to money) are offering one billion dollars to anyone who picks a perfect "March Madness" NCAA Tournament Bracket.
You can try your luck here:https://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/quickenloansbracket/challenge/
On top of the billion dollars,you will also win your choice of one the following from me:


- I will go your job wearing your boss's college mascot costume and fart I Sin For A Living by The Meatmen* at them while I hand them your resignation letter.

-I will go to your student loan office and bring them your final payment with the last $200 in nickels in a garbage bag tied to my penis.

-I will move next door to your ex-spouse's house and trim bonsai trees naked, sunup to sundown from June 1st to August 1st. Trust me, this should be equally repulsive to both genders.

I can make these offers with a great deal of confidence because:
A. I'm a freak and would probably do something similar for a steak dinner and Tiger season tickets
B. You ain't gonna pick a perfect bracket. Nobody picks a perfect bracket. Sure someone wins every year, but they don't do it without watching Upper Mid Panhandle Methodist Tech send a major conference #3 seed home before the alumni leave the cocktail lounge at the airport.
So go for it, if you think you put the dick back in Vitale. It's gonna be fun to watch.

*I may even have a few members of The Meatmen join me, even though this blog is gonna be the first they've heard of it.





-

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Swallowing the Bone Whole: A Lament on Red Wings Hockey

I was listening to the Red Wings/Blue Jackets game in the kitchen while I was tearing at a leftover rotisserie chicken. I almost choked twice. I am not exaggerating, or trying to be funny. I was eating haphazardly, listening to Ken Kal's play by play. I'm pretty convinced the second time it happened I swallowed a piece of bone roughly the size of of a golf tee.
I'm not kidding, nor do I use that little jab lightly.
The Wings are looking seriously like their fantastic post season streak is over.
It's too late in the season for excuses. Guys with 20 or more NHL games who under normal circumstances would still be Griffins can't be forgiven for playing like Peter Griffin. Yes, they've been mostly above average, but two consecutive games they have (as an entire unit) been less watchable than   a Lena Dunham/Magic Burger King sex tape.


Actually, I have respect for Lena Dunham. At least she is having a positive impact on the game she's involved in. Shit, she's the Bobby Orr of naked overweight girls.
The only games the Wings are impacting are the foursomes that are gonna get bumped for their tee times in a few weeks.
Even on radio, it seemed that the chicken on my counter wasn't the only carcass being shredded.
They didn't play like a team that just traded away prospects and draft picks, a move that will almost certainly be Ken Holland's Doyle Alexander for John Smoltz trade. Those deadline deals are supposed to solidify a team's playoff roster, and this team looks about as ready for a long run as Melissa McCarthy after Easter dinner.
I bet the Wings tonight. In the crazy world of gambling, the Wings were getting 1 1/2  goals if you were willing to wager a lot of money to make a small profit. That means they could have lost to the Columbus Blue Jackets (why in Bo's name does anything in Columbus have the word 'Blue' attached to it ?) by one goal, and I still win. Down by two late and it's still an entertaining hockey game. They were not even capable of providing 60 minutes of entertaining hockey with the damn fictional, hypothetical advantage provided to us by a the good people of Las Vegas, Nevada.
I sincerely hope the Wings keep the streak alive, which will be kinda like having sex with the actor in the Burger King costume: just to say they did. Because Lena Dunham will win another Golden Globe before they win another playoff series.
And instead of listening to Ken Kal, I'll be listening to NPR, hoping, just maybe, I'll get some good tips for chicken choking.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Sled Hockey: It Might Actually Be Harder Than Screwing the Girl Who Ordered the Pizza

Admit it. You watch porn. Most people watch some form of scantily clad, unclad or sweat clad humans. While I'm always curious about what kinda porn people like, I really don't wanna know why they like it. I'm always afraid the word "uncle" will come up in the conversation and I'll puke a cocktail onion across the room and knock out someone's contact lens.
I can tell you this about porn: You will never be hung like Ron Jeremy, and you will more than likely never get paid to have sex unless you and your significant other both get assigned to the curly fry station at a really dark Arby's.  
Ever watch sled hockey ? I'll bet you haven't. Very few people watch sled hockey.
The guys who compete in sled hockey are guys who have overcome not having the "right equipment" to play standing hockey (that's what sled hockey players call it) and actually take part in the sport as opposed to just sitting around with a sock full of hand lotion wishing they could.
{Right here it would be real easy for me to do some schmaltz waltz about "inspiration" which sportswriters like Rick Reilly and that other guy are famous for, but I'm not gonna. You don't need a gauzy filter, a Bruce Hornsby soundtrack and a backstory--as heroic as some of these guys have been}. Sports don't always have to be for inspiration, they're mostly just a form of entertainment, right ? And this shit is entertaining:

You can watch some games and other events like curling and biathlon live here http://www.youtube.com/user/ParalympicSportTV and CBC will also have some live sled hockey on the web.
The US has a good chance to compete for a medal, something their "able-bodied", weak minded and poorly coached counterparts were incapable of doing. Check it out. You'll be entertained, you won't be embarrassed by it when your roommate walks in, and someday you might get a chance to do it too.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Mr. Holland's OOOOOPSUS...

Ken Holland just traded Calle Jarnkrok, who is this: (according to elite prospects.com)
"A very skilled center that will get the job done on the wing as well. Järnkrok's main asset is his outstanding hockey sense, which allows him to be the great playmaker that he is. Overall a very smart player with good positioning in all zones. Also quite shifty with soft hands and impressive puckhandling skills. Not a physical player, but plays pretty well through heavy traffic although in need of gaining strength and muscles. Good character. Often used as pointman on the man advantage, but can still improve his release. Is a good skater, but there is still some room for improvement in that department." 
For David Legwand, who (according to me), is a serviceable, underachieving NHL player who is 33 years old and his best attribute might be that his Grosse Pointe family might spring for a suite and decide to keep it when the new (publicly funded) stadium opens.
I know quite a few people in this town, and I was fortunate enough to spend some time with Ken Holland in the hours leading up to the trade deadline. This is my video diary of that:
I am the biggest slappy sucker I know when it comes to the playoff streak. But I never wanted them to mortgage the future to keep it going. And Ken Holland didn't just mortgage it, he did an insurance job on it for a few more hits off the postseason pipe. And what happens now ? Do they rush back injured players in the playoffs to justify the trade ? Was Legwand really the missing piece to a puzzle ? It wasn't a puzzle in my mind, it was a monochromatic Rubik's cube: The Detroit Red Wings suffered multiple injuries to key players in a year where some of them had to play extra games due to the NHL's Olympic commitment. Sorry. See ya in September. Except this coming September a guy they adjudged to be the 51st best player in the draft (or better) will now be in Music City instead of Traverse City, and oh yeah, Ken Holland would like to tell you about one of his experiences in Sochi:
A future draft pick and Patrick Eaves were part of the trade, too. I didn't dislike Eaves as much as some people seem to, but I didn't like the playoff streak nearly enough to part with a guy who could be an assist machine, like a Swedish Adam Oates, and come back to haunt that pretty new building residents of the city just bought for Ken Holland's boss.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

What Do I Look Like, The Nate Silver Surfer ?

 Hey! Bristol based, Disney owned, sports broadcasting megalopolis!
What does ESPN stand for again ? Eastern Seaboard Pandering Nightly ?
Your main dotcom page's poll question today was a four choice query regarding the Mets projected win/loss record this season. Not on your MLB page, your home page.
We are two games into spring training. I have no idea what I think about my favorite team yet!
I could understand if Fox Sports was doing an alphabetized breakdown of every MLB team and started with the Mets, or if I was on Peter Gammons Been In More Dugouts Than David Sunflower Seeds Blog , but this is your main page. Is the average American sports fan supposed to know what the Mets are gonna be dealing with in September ? I'm a Tiger fan, and I haven't even identified the hot dog vendor, clubhouse boy and press box IT intern who Dave Dombrowski traded Doug Fister for!
Curtis Granderson hasn't even had a chance to visit Joseph Simmons' boyhood home in Queens, much less predict how many games the Mets are gonna win.
                                            DMC is wearing a Giants jacket. Even he doesn't 
                                                care about the Mets.

Why is that supposed to be something the rest of us are supposed to just fill out in 10 seconds like our Keno slips at Danny's Irish Pub ?
You know your fancy little offshoot, ESPN New York ? Post that question on there, not on the one that's supposed to appeal to the rest of the world. The last time anyone outside of Flushing gave a damn about the Mets is when Roger Clemens was whipping jagged pieces of northern white ash at Mike Piazza's northern white ass, and that's only because we were tired of Roidger's macho high school jock posturing and not because we loved their soap opera of a baseball team and its albino medicine ball mascot. Or put it in the Port St. Lucie News, not on my computer screen.
One of the reasons there is such a backlash on New York sports teams around the country is that you assholes are constantly breaking out the Big Apple knee pads for the Yankees and Mets and Nets and Jets and Red Bullettes.
It's February. I don't know which aging, overrated Tiger leadoff hitter is gonna get picked off first with a 3-1 count on Miguel Cabrera on Opening Day, don't frickin' ask me about what's gonna happen to anybody else 162 games from now.
.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

What's the Trophy for Winning Spring Training ? Yeah, I Thought So.

I can't stand the Oakland A's. I liked their old owner, The Veeckian Charlie O. Finley, and I like the fact that they represent a much maligned blue collar town, but I always seem to hate a few of the players on their roster. That doesn't mean I don't think these were great catches by Josh Reddick. Welcome to Victory Charade. Nice catch. The only other thing I like about you is that you're not Colby Rasmus.

But these don't surpass even my second all time favorite catch, by a guy who went on to play for my all time least favorite team. Now he plays for the Mets. I'm pretty ambivalent about the Mets, but at least they're not the Yankees.

That was better for a number of reasons, like Verlander was on the mound, and the game counted. Not some spring training nonsense.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Judy Blume and Chelsea Handler Both Had Sub-par 40 Times


One of these two guys says God talks to him. He says that part of God's master plan is for him to not participate in the NFL Combine, a major evaluation tool/convention in American professional football scouting and draft analysis. The God that talks to one of these guys apparently has already informed him he can skip this major process and he will become a Seattle Seahawk.
I can't say for certain whether or not God really talks to one of these two guys. Let's assume, out of respect for this particular person's religious beliefs, that God did speak directly to him.
I'm curious as to whether or not this God also spoke to incumbent starting Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch to tell him that it would be in his best interests to seek employment elsewhere or even pick up an entirely new vocation.
Or maybe one of these gentleman isn't going to play running back in the NFL. Maybe God wants him to be the next Steve Tasker. From a football perspective, you could do a whole lot worse than being Steve Tasker.
I can't claim to know much about God. But I do think I know quite a bit about the NFL for a guy who last touched a pigskin at a petting zoo. More so than ever, teams that invest money and valuable draft picks on players are concerned with what goes on in a player's head as much as they are his physical skills. The background checks are more exhaustive than a GQ makeover for Don Imus, front offices obsess over players' Wonderlic test scores, (taking the test is actually an element of the combine) and the slightest hint of instability or less than a dedicated approach to football will drop players to lower in the draft. One of the two people pictured above is already projected as a fairly low draft pick to begin with. If his God says "skip the combine", what is his God's opinion gonna be on two-a-day workouts in full pads in August ?
Of course, the guy I'm discussing is the guy on the left, San Diego State Running Back Adam Muema.
I am not knocking his faith, his right to discuss his faith or any issue other than this:
Whatever his reason is for skipping the combine: from a mundane, secular, tangible perspective, by doing so he puts himself far closer to having to wear the uniform of the guy on the right for a living than he does of wearing this one:



Saturday, February 22, 2014

You're Playing For A Medal, You Useless Cocksmooch






                                                              Patrick Kane
                                    The Original Buffalo Chokin' Wing

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Relax, Mom, I Had Some Rod Carew Cards and I Didn't Become Panamanian

Yes, there are many people who would prefer Michael Sam's sexual preference to be a non-issue.
Yes, there are many people who will never respect Michael Sam's "lifestyle".
But this is America, where money tends to be a big deal, a barometer, a mirror, a holy grail…


The money is talking, and it is welcoming Michael Sam and people like him to the show.
Michael Sam has broken down a huge barrier, whether anyone likes it or not.
That's something to think about while you are a chewing gum, even though drywall style gum isn't included in packs of sports cards anymore.
For the record, a lot of my friends used to think George Brett was "gay". And one of his rookie cards goes for about 1600 bucks.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Not Now Honey, Ryan Newman Might Need Four Tires!!

Call it a pool, a fantasy league, a waste of time, a cry for help, a downright, flat-out or high banked curve call for an intervention, but after a short hiatus, I'm gonna get together with a group of people and wager on NASCAR races.

I may have mentioned that I failed geometry twice in high school, and cried tears of joy (maybe it was just bad mescaline) when they told me I could take etymology instead of physics, but now I'm going to sit down and try to become an expert on tri-ovals and compression ratios. On purpose. Because it's a sport. And it's televised.
The psychotic thing is that the way this particular group of people do it, we all pick the winner of each race before the season even starts.
And unlike fantasy football, when I'm watching until the very last minute to hear injury reports and weather conditions before I officially lock in my lineup, I'm picking who will do well in September in Arizona--I'll be honest, I haven't even looked at the schedule yet-- this week.
So instead of second guessing what I did 2 hours ago, I'll be second guessing a decision I forgot that I made. Kinda like the first 20 times I asked a girl to marry me. Except with NASCAR, I might, just might, walk away from this one with some money in my pocket.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Idiotic Titles for The Well Endowed

I was gonna write a long angry blog about the University of Michigan's proposed new Head Football Coach Endowment, until I did a little research and found this in the Daily Newspaper Not Owned By The Steinbrenner Family Yet. Note the date. 2012, and they cite the practice going back to the 90's in the Ivy League.
                                                    I audited her class at St. Andrew's 
                                                             Hall in the '80's

So apparently head coaching endowments have been around for decades, and Michigan didn't invent the concept, so I'll just say this: There are a lot of things that have been around for decades that I don't appreciate, like blood alcohol levels constituting drunk driving being 3 beers an hour and Joan Rivers ruining awards shows. Now you can add head football coach endowments to the list.
I realize that people and foundations endow chairs and fellows and at some liberal arts colleges probably ottomans and dudes, but the football team is a different animal, (a Wolverine in this case) entirely.
If someone endows a department head that is doing fantastic biochem research, they are contributing (hopefully) to the greater good of mankind. Football coach doesn't need to be endowed just so some billionaire can trump all the other boosters who cause so many problems in the first place. What's next ? The Webber Family Blue Chip Linebacker's First Hooker Faculty Washroom ?
Besides, I don't care what name you slap in front of the title of the Head Football Coach at The University of Michigan: When someone is hired to be head football coach at the University of Michigan, there is only one name and one legacy to be lived up to. Keep it that way.





Olympic Skiing: Blink 1.82222222222 and You're In Last

The average Ramones song lasts about two and a half minutes, or roughly two full minutes longer than I could go down on Lily Aldridge before I burst into tears of relentless joy.
The average Olympic ski run lasts a little less than two minutes. And a bunch of guys train basically their entire life for a couple shots to qualify to take that final two minute run, barreling down an icy mountain (or a slushy one, as the case may be) at about 100 miles an hour and trying really hard to win while presumably trying really, really hard not to die. Or maybe not.
                                                My man did not give a fuck, or thank Hans.

The 4th place finisher is a complete loser bum who never should have been there in the first place because he finished at least a couple one hundredths of a second behind the guy who won gold and who will now get paid millions of Swiss francs to sell Swiss Miss to Swiss Franks… and cereal, and beer, and maybe watches.
I have a watch. Someone needs to call Bob Rolex and have him explain to me what one one hundredth of a second is.
No one needs to train their whole life to be completely forgotten because they ran into a Siberian Frostbite Gnat on the way down a goddamn hill. I wouldn't work for a whole day just to afford enough booze to serve to Faith Hill so I could go down on her for the 3 tenths of a second it took before Tim McGraw blew my brains out like I was a Native American scoundrel.
Someone should open a casino for skiers only, because you could have a roulette wheel the size of Serena Williams panties with about 1000 numbers on it, and skiers would still put their chips down.
If a gust of wind comes along, a golfer will back off a shot long enough for NBC to show a whole episode of The Voice. You can't back off a ski run and ask your caddy for a hit of Powerade and a beta blocker. If the wind shifts, your aunt who bought you that first set of Rossignol's when you were three is gonna have to support you, bro, or you are toast, because 9th in the downhill won't even get you a job making Pop Tarts, much less hawking 'em.
Less than a tenth of a second? Don't give me some Jack Handey needlepoint bullshit about the Olympic ideal and the spirit of competition. You can't even think "should I or shouldn't I try to be an Olympic skier" in less than 4 million tenths of a second.
And the flip side of you not getting a medal is that while you're in the Olympic Village right swiping some figure skating supermodel from San Marino on Tinder, there are probably 500 guys back home that can go just as fast down a ski hill, and they're still getting stalked by some girl from Steamboat Springs they met on craigslist. All because of a gust of wind.
Ski runs might as well have those goofy, cartoonish booby traps like in Wipeout,
                            Jill Wagner letting me know how many minutes I have to stalk her
                                        before she calls the cops 

 and who ever survives a couple bops with an oversize purple boxing glove and gets up to ski down the hill wins.
 Actually,I have a lot of respect for Olympic skiers. It's not like they're acoustic guitar playing comedians with props. At least with Olympic skiers, every 4 years somebody remembers one of them fondly.




Saturday, February 15, 2014

The Winner of The First VC Trivia Contest

Old time hockey…like Eddie Shore, the Boston Bruins defenseman (you wanna spell it with a "C", Canadians, you go right ahead and take a red pen to the screen of your tablet) whose brutal hit on Toronto Maple Leaf right wing Ace Bailey fractured his skull and led to the first "unofficial" NHL All Star Game, a benefit on Valentine's Day, 1934.
The game raised $20, 909 dollars to benefit Ace, back in the days when many pro athletes at offseason "regular jobs"and didn't become millionaires at nineteen.
Ellen DeView, my favorite person ever named for two afternoon talk shows, takes home the mystery prize for knowing the significance of the number I posted in yesterday's blog. The prize is hockey related and since Ellen did me the favor of living near me, I will post a picture of me presenting it to her as soon as we can make arrangements to get together.
Thank you all for playing, and I will do trivia contests, much like sex and bank robberies, intermittently and without warning.

Friday, February 14, 2014

It Ain't Stump the Slob, I Know the Answer: The 1st VC Trivia Contest

This is my 51st post in Victory Charade. That's significant for a number of reasons.
There are 51 states in the US, 51 separate muscles in the human groin and Jose Canseco got thrown out stealing third 51 times.
                                                              Party Time!!!

No.
Just because it's a sportsblog doesn't mean it's completely mindless.
I would have done something special at # 50, but I didn't realize it was # 50 until I posted it.
So now I'm doing something special.
Trivia contest:
Tell me what is special about the number 20,909 in the world of sports.
Your first hint is that it involves a sport currently in season, but pitchers and catchers












already reported to spring training, so that doesn't narrow it down much.
It's kind of a tough question, but the prize is something from my own personal sports memorabilia collection. I am not showing what it is because I don't want to given any false clues or real clues.
Here are the rules:
The person who answers correctly must post the answer on this blog-no Facebook, Myspace, or spray painting my garage.
The person who answers must explain the answer in context.
The winner must live in the U.S., because I don't wanna go broke shipping something I really don't want to part with anyway. In fact, I'd prefer not to ship it at all, but I will.
Yes I'm trying to drive traffic to this blog.
If no one gets it in the first 12 hours, I will post a clue.
20, 909.
Good luck.

1st Clue (way later than promised, but a clue nonetheless): The number refers to an occurrence pre 1960. That should narrow your Google search.




Thursday, February 13, 2014

Nordic Combined ? What's That, Salmon Pate and a Hummer from Bjork?

Wait a second, Olympics… As Lee Corso would say (or as Richard Petty would say about Danica Patrick): "Not so fast".
There can't be softball in the Olympics because not enough people around the world play it, and the US is too dominant?
"Nordic Combined ?"
                                                    I think one of the shell casings went down
                                                       the back of my ski pants.

Yeah, it's heartwarming to see all those Pakistani kids shining shoes at the airport to afford more lift tickets to get on the ski jump and sharing cross country ski wax.
I live in Michigan, okay, and we have a big ass (that's metric, right ?) ski jump in the Upper Peninsula. I've lived here most of my life and I know exactly zero people who have ever gone on it.
I have about 4000 Facebook friends, give or take, and I could post right now "Have any of you ever wrestled a bear for money in a strip club built in an abandoned copper mine in the U.P., and if not any of my pals had, I guarantee one of their cousins did and has pictures. But no one I know or am separated from by Six Degrees of Canadian Bacon has ever skied down that jump, flown through the air and lived to go squirrel hunting that afternoon. That's what Nordic Combined is, isn't it ? A really dangerous way to get to a squirrel hunt ?
But lets say I won the lottery and bought a cabin up there and a helicopter to get to it.You know what we'd do ? Get drunk and play table tennis in my cabin, that's what. Then one of us would get good enough to go to the Olympics and he'd go and finish last, behind all 62 countries in Asia. But table tennis is still a sport in the Olympics! Is there a weird by-law in the Olympic charter that says you'll never eliminate any sport dominated by a nation with a monosyllabic language ?
Because discupelme, pro favor, but I have yet to see a ticker tape parade for the table tennis gold medalist through the streets of La Paz, comprende ?
Let's be serious, lots of people skate, but not too many figure skate. You don't go down to Campus Martius and see Nick from the induction molding department bangin' a few triple axles for fun before he heads to the Golden Grease to salchow down. But at least we sorta do it. No one who hasn't skipped school to get juonut on sahti with their favorite hottie in the Arctic Circle has ever purposely gone flying off a perfectly solid observation deck and then slalomed around the woods riddling outhouses with lead. We can't have softball, but they can have that ? One nation isn't dominant you say ? What? Do the Finns and Danes and Norwegians politely pass the Gold and Silver medals around every year, and whoever has the most umlauts in their last name takes home the bronze?
So here's one vote for softball to come back. Not because I'm a big softball fan, but because they got the boot for a bogus reason.
And I don't want Nordic Combined to be completely eliminated. I want it to be moved to the Paralympic Games. Because this guy would be bad ass at it, and bring home gold for the U.S.: