A NSFW Look at Curling (Part One of Victory Charade Olympic Uncoverage)

Curling is like S&M. It's quite clear that pretty much all winter sports have some masochism in them.
Cross country skiing seems enjoyable on a 34 degree (that's Fahrenheit, rest of the world) afternoon, when you want to go about 500 feet in the woods and see a few whitetail, but the Olympic version ?  They're going 40 miles an hour uphill for half a day and splaying their legs at the same interval as Taylor Swift when she sees another plausibly hetero balladeer with an Ovation 12 string.

                                                        Why does this perv keep putting my picture 
                                                         in his sports blog ?

 And cross country skiers can't endorse any performance products because oxygen is free , at least until Nestle gets ahold of it.And biathlon ? Same deal, except  every few miles you get to lie flat on the ice and let an M-16 recoil against the same shoulder that's propelling you from Siberia to Checkpoint Charlie.
Downhill isn't much better. It's over quicker, but you train your whole life for an event, then you can brush a gate (A gate to what ? A gate should have at least a swimming pool and a hibachi full of bratwurst behind it) that slows you down by 2 one millionths of a second and go from a Wheaties box hero to a broke alcoholic selling lift tickets and polishing black diamond signs at Mt. Trust Fund, Vermont. Even the laid back, Vaporub and vaporizing Snowboarders can fucking die (R.I.P. Sarah Burke) doing all those half pipe tricks that seem like they are named after early 20 Century comedians: "Whoa, Trevor really zeppoed that 420 Skelton until he Curlied that gnarly Chaplin and jacked his benny... Someone's gonna have to throw another Shemp on that Ollie".
But curling has the sadism to go with the masochism.
Curling skips make people grab brooms then bark orders at them. But just to prove they aren't complete riding crop wielding dominatrixes, they let other people have a turn as dungeon master. And every Olympic year, people decide "Hey, that looks like fun"and sign up at The Detroit Curling Club, like bored married couples who turn the laundry room into a fully equipped leather and restraint playroom, only to give it up the first time someone has to explain to the boss why people are gasping at the wrist bruises during a PowerPoint presentation.
I have been asked during or after the last three winter Olympic years to join large groups of people to take lessons or join beginner teams. And my answer is always the same: I don't want to watch you make your husband wear a diaper and a ballgag to spice up your marriage…oh, Curling ? No, because much like washing valium sprinkled popcorn down with Chambord, I'll get hooked and the rest of you fuckers will quit and I'll be doing it with strangers and feel like an idiot.
Besides, I'll be the first one to get mad at being constantly told what to do with my broom and throw the damn stone through the gift shop window and kill the Manitoba U-12 champ while he's signing autographs. And I have to admit, as much as the sport appeals to me because it seems like a more athletic, more complicated form of darts, that the first thing that caught my eye is how many good looking women compete at a high level.

That's Anna Hartelt, and that the lower picture is not from some "lad rag"

that's from the Women of Curling Calendar.

And according to the website, it was the women's idea. No man made them get down on one knee on an ice rink and agree to pose for the pictures at broom point. Because that would take stones.