If Gruden Won't Do It, See What Daphne Zuniga is Up To.

Like the violin player on the Titanic or the PA at Vivid video responsible for packing up the jizz stained sheets, I stayed til the bitter end. I watched the pigskin fly through the uprights at Ford Field and waited to make sure there were no flags, and then flipped over to NBC, even though I knew I would be subjected to Carrie Underwood's inexplicable soft pop anthem of bad market research. After a whole Lions season, what's two and a half more minutes of torture?
I really believed the Lions would make the playoffs. In Detroit that's akin to Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin or your friend who buys ten dollar blow jobs in Highland Park and tries to convince you the fellatrix didn't have a dick. Plenty of football fans in Detroit want the Lions to make the playoffs. Very few of them, even the ones at Ford Field, face painted to look like Violet Beauregarde at Movement truly believed they would do it.

And they didn't. Their season is over, other than taking a look at guys who might be treading that fine line between getting offered a new contract or being on the Buccaneers practice squad next year, and deciding what to do with the guys on the sideline in the headsets.
I know I'm not the Sir Edmund Hillary of sports commentary when I say this, but with the exception of Gunther Cunningham, the Lions coaching staff has gotta go. The Ford family should be handing out more pink slips than were available at Anna Nicole Smith's estate sale.
Losing five out of six games in their situation is inexcusable. I'll spot them the Baltimore loss because they were robbed of 6 points and the Ravens were handed another 3 like it was an exhibition game at a Poe festival, but losing to the Giants is worse than getting stoned during a strike at the Pringles plant.
I felt this way before I saw footage of Schwartz calling out Lions fans for booing, when he was rarely willing to work the officiating crew. (Think that doesn't have an effect ? See HOF coaches like Stram, Hank or Bowman, William Scott).
The Schwartz had his head in his ass on numerous occasions this season, and on most of those occasions popular opinion couldn't pry me and my blanket from the pumpkin patch. But no more. The Schwartz should be in the trash compactor when the final whistle blows in Minnesota.

                                                 Yeah, I know his name is Dark Helmet,
                                                 but you get the idea.
This is not me trying to extricate myself from Slappyland or me sleeping with the WDFNemy. I simply waited until it was officially over to state my feelings.
Matt Stafford is 25 years old. He and Calvin Johnson under the right tutelage can be a legendary touchdown combination. Someone is out there that can teach Stafford that he can't be some Brett Favre sidearm gunslinger on every fucking offensive possession, because it ain't working. In fact, there are plenty of coaches out there that might make that their first order of business. I like synchronized swimming for the crotch shots, but I do appreciate the discipline, and if people can coach a dozen young women to perform the same exact movements while they are upside down underwater, I'm pretty sure someone can convince Matty to throw the ball overhand from something resembling a pocket, even a collapsing pocket, 9 out of 10 times. That's just one example of one of the changes I hope to get from the new guy, and the new guy's agent's phone should be ringing a week from tonight, if it isn't ringing right now.