Everything But The "Suck"

For a guy who gambles on sports as much as I do, it amazes me that I've held off as long as I have to gamble that someone would read my blathering about the contests I watch so frequently that I'm burning out my retinas.
I guess I figured that everyone who follows sports had an opinion about them. But then I read about three dozen of those opinions, scattered between pictures of buxom cheerleaders and pro tennis panty shots and thought "Shit, my opinion is more valid than those guys."
That was about two decades ago. Then Facebook burst on to the scene thanks to the hard work and computer brilliance of a pop star and that guy who looks like the horny dork from Juno. And I started letting my warm, moist feelings be known about everything from soccer not being some lame, useless sport...

…in most cases, to the NBA being a steaming pile of feces. (The above image was the most readily available image I had of a steaming pile of feces).
Having interrupted enough crucial Farmville League Championship matches with my inane spewings about meaningless, non-revenue producing shit like the NFL, NHL, MLB and major college athletics on Facebook, I have now taken refuge here where presumably the hate mail I get won't make my mom cry. (Who am I kidding, most of my Facebook hate mail was from my mom).
If you happen to read this and don't know me personally, here's a bit of a biographical heads up: I'm a Detroiter, which means a number of things in regard to sports. Three of our four major franchises have won championships in my lifetime. So if you're from Boise and want to write to me about the ineptitude of the Lions, I'm probably going to laugh, because A: The Lions get paid, and B: At least the field they play on is relatively the color of grass, and not sixteen acres of boysenberry Skittles.
Which brings me to another point: If you write to me and rip on the team/coach/player/manager/ballgirl I'm defending, you have to do better than the term "suck". I didn't almost fail out of a prestigious Jesuit high school to distract my glamorous day watching Craftsman Truck Series Qualifying trying to explain why someone doesn't "suck". Most people actually do suck something, but in most cases, that doesn't affect their job performance (unless it's nitrous oxide, and I don't think they can find that in someone's urine). So if you feel that someone on the field or on the bench or in the press box is subpar, be creative as well as vitriolic, got me ?
In some rare cases, you might even agree with me, and I'd like to hear that too.
And because I refuse to have the only photo on my inaugural blog be a shot of the Portugese Man-of-Wahhhh, here's a picture of the greatest NHL defenseman who ever lived:

And even though that's like saying water is wet, someone will probably try to dispute me on it. But tough shit. Jimmy Doom has a blog now. And he's gonna use it.