It's Fourth And Goal, Let's Look at Slides From My Vacation

I watched just about zero sports today, unless you count the "surfing" in Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer, which I watch muted because I know what happens and I have new CD's to listen to.
I watch sports telecasts with the sound off sometimes, almost always because of something going on inside the house and not inside the broadcast booth.
But I hear tons of complaints about sportscasters these days. Most sportscasters are like offensive lineman, state legislators and Amanda Bynes: You only hear their name when they do something wrong. Or, more appropriately: when it's someone's opinion that they've done something wrong, or are just wrong in general, like fucking your brother's girlfriend when he's having hernia surgery. {For the record, my brother has never had a hernia or a girlfriend}.

                                                    Has not dated my hernia-free brother
Obviously, a select few broadcasters are regarded as community treasures and their names are easily as famous as the best players whose on the field exploits they describe. Those names are rare, and I promise I'll talk about some of my favorite current ones at a later date. I wanna talk about the reasons that sportscasters draw the ire of the sports viewing populace and why the ranks of the detested seem to be increasing by at least two names every season.
To be honest, I don't get it. I have a few that I can do without-most notably the constant conjecture and hypothesis oozing from the mouth of Tim McCarver, whose baseball broadcast partner, Joe Buck, also calls football, so like a naked Artie Lange wall calendar, people can hate him year round.
One thing I'm pretty certain of is that no one gets mad when someone in the booth doesn't speak enough. Is that person out there ? Let me know. (I don't have the comments section on this page so my mom can tell me to come in because the streetlights are on).
So what are the broadcasting traits that make you want to swap out the cashews for a dish full of Xanax?
It drives me away from the nuts and to the pharmaceuticals when McCarver turns the fielding of a routine ground ball into a writing sample he's sending to Stan Lee: "If that slow roller doesn't go into that huge leather thing that's been attached to his appendage since he was still occasionally wetting his pants, the concession stand in Section 423 could have had a propane tank explode and the shrapnel could have killed the last lefty Oakland has in the bullpen." But he did field it Tim, so STFU.
I don't care who it is, I despise it when a color commentator takes a crossing route we see 20 times a game and extrapolates it into an anecdote about a teammate he had on the Roughriders in '78. I was just learning how to feather my hair in '78, that doesn't mean I talk about it at parties. Tell me what's going on on the field, not in your scrapbook. I'm a sucker for an anecdote or possible trivia answer when it's taking a 350lb. guard a week to hobble off the gridiron, but I don't need the History Channel when the the Right The Hell Now Channel that's handing you your paycheck is showing me a live feed of Brandon Pettigrew handing a safety the football like he's returning his bowling shoes and wants his license back.
A guy who I'm starting to hear grumbles about is Gruden. When discussing the hopefully imminent dismissal of Jim Schwartz, I heard someone say that he hoped "Chucky" gets the job just to get him out of the booth.
I actually liked Gruden a lot when they first clipped a mic on him, and I still like much about him now. Yeah, he's been passing out a lot of audible fellatio to some just above average football players (though it's nice that he's branching out from the early days when he was QB-centric) and sometimes he describes a zone blitz like he's Stephen Hawking arguing about space with L.Ron Hubbard

                    The real L. Ron Hubbard never played Lester Bangs in a movie
but at least Gruden has a Super Bowl ring. Joe Buck just had a famous, well connected daddy.
Are all these guys really that bad ? I read that the players hate Chris Collinsworth, who's another guy I like.
I haven't muted a game since the bad old days of Fox hockey telecasts, but judging by Facebook (JoeBucksucks has a page) and Twitter, a lot of people seem like they're tempted to every time they watch anything.
And somewhere Howard Cosell (Google that guy, youngsters) is laughing.