He Also Promised Me He'd Find Me The World's Tallest Man to Block Kicks

                                                           Do You Know This Guy ?

                                           Or this dude, who looks very skeptical … but is he ?
They both must know at least a little something about…

                                                                        this guy 
Right ?
The guy on the top is James "Bus" Cook. The wheels on that Bus were really going round and round this week. He negotiated a new contract for his client, Jay Cutler. He has many other famous former and current football playing clients, like Brett Favre, who reminds you of your cousin who is really cool, but leaves your party early and keeps coming back drunker, in different clothes; and Lions cyborg-like receiver Calvin Johnson, who dropped about four passes this season just to prove he was human so he could get a passport.
Jay Cutler is, at best, an average NFL quarterback who comes off as a bit fragile.
The man in the middle is Chicago Bears general manager Phil Emery. Emery went to Wayne State, bounced around the NFL and NCAA as a scout and a strength and conditioning coach and somehow wound up in the front office of the Bears after long time GM Jerry Angelo got told he could go sit at the bar at The Baton and never come back.
Bus Cook talked Phrugal Phil in to giving Cutler a new 7 year contract reported to be around $18 million a year with $54 million of that guaranteed.
To be fair, I could find a clitoris on a bull moose with a thorn it his paw more easily than I could pass a college level economics course, so obviously the Neil Degrasse Tyson astrophysics involved in NFL salary caps are way beyond me.
And I have no intention of discussing the basic idea that sports salaries are (and have been for years) grossly over-inflated. We know that, and it's not part of this discussion.
But 54 million guaranteed for Jay Cutler ?? Seven years ?
Every argument I've read that this is even a decent deal for the Bears franchise omits two words: "Jay"and "Cutler". I"m damn sure that Bears fans have been tired of the QB carousel, but there was another horse on that carousel who did quite a decent job when Cutler was injured and missed multiple games for the second time in three years. Josh McCown would have traded the headset for the headlines for about one fourth or less than what they just handed a guy with 2 turnover laden playoff appearances. I realize McCown is older and has bounced around the league, but even if Cutler's deal is cap friendly, McCown could have saved Emery enough to build another Monsters of The Midway in free agency and have some left over for a year's supply of cheezburgers and no Coke! Pepsi! at The Billy Goat Tavern.
The NFL and ESPN throw a party every year with festive multi-colored hats and tears of joy. It's called the draft, and teams get to pick a whole bunch of new players. Phil Emery-a scout by trade (he did find big play super stud Alshon Jeffery), could have at least tried to pluck the next Russell Wilson or Colin Kaepernick out of the next couple draft classes, but apparently Bus Cook showed him naked pictures of Rick Mirer and told him Cutler was his only hope.
Shit you can buy for $54 million: approximately 16 minutes of Super Bowl ads.
Shit you can't buy when you give Jay Cutler $54 million: A Super Bowl ring.
I think Bus Cook must have walked into Emery's office and said "If you don't wanna build through the draft, you're stuck with my guy and you might as well", and Emery just believed him. Either that or he made him believe Cutler's a three-legged, bearded Lombardi trophy.
Read every other analysis you can find of this deal. People who know more than me are talking about this offer against the cap vs franchise tag, the value of continuity with coach/scheme and quarterback/receivers, and who was a better Batman, Adam West or Val Kilmer, but they aren't saying that Jay Cutler is worth the money or the length of the deal. Because he isn't.
If they drafted AJ McCarron, more Bears fans would show up in Week 14 hoping to get a glimpse of Katherine Webb

                                                          If my boyfriend was a cornerback
                                                         Jimmy still would have found a way
                                                           to post this picture.
than they will because the Bears are 6-8 and mathematically clinging to a playoff dream. 
Bus Cook just made himself and his client a ton of money for something that looks fairly plausible, but just isn't exactly what Phil Emery hopes it is.
The third picture at the top of the page is Phineas Taylor Barnum, a noted expert on birth rates of gullible individuals, and he'd be very, very proud.