Some Portugese guy won the Ballon D'Or. They used to give that to the best futbol player in the world, but apparently that's no longer a requirement. He's crying because the trophy doesn't match his tie and also because he was pepper sprayed for stealing the thing from Lionel Messi in the first place. He thanked the person who invented the mirror and his girlfriend for not telling the press he calls out Ricky Martin's name during their infrequent sex.And lastly, he expressed his gratitude to the hundreds of doctors who have telepathically healed his many career threatening injuries from afar as he writhed in agony on the pitch, only to rise from the ground like the flaming bird that he is.
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