Monday, January 19, 2015

Last Time Someone Laid Down Like That, Darren McCarty Was Beating His Head In

"Unforced error" is now part of the sports lexicon. It originated either in the tennis world or Bruce Jenner's face, but wherever it came from, the biggest one I've seen in decades was one that occurred Sunday night during the NFC Championship Game on the frozen latte of CenturyLink Field.
In the 4th quarter,Green Bay Packers strong safety Morgan Burnett picked off Russell Wilson, who spent most of the day playing catch with the Packers secondary like they were his nephews.
Burnett is known as a "ball hawk", one of those talented individuals who always seems to get to any nearby balls. Like Troy Polamalu. And Cameron Diaz.
So Burnett picks Wilson and:
A. Runs for a touchdown as 22,000 Green Bay residents simultaneously choke to death on bratwurst and die happy
B. Runs 40 yards then out of bounds directly for Erin Andrews and wins an Emmy for his Richard Sherman imitation
                                              This is a running shoe. As in "running 
                                                               with the football"

C. Flops on the ground like masked gunmen just rushed into his Wisconsin Savings and Loan branch after he cashed the check he earns for intercepting footballs and running with them toward the goal line where the fucking points are scored!

 Morgan… Dude... There's five minutes left in the game you have to win to play in the Super Bowl! The Seattle Seahawks can score four times in 5 minutes and learn two Mother Love Bone songs while they are doing it. You run a 4.5 40, which isn't completely blazing for your position, but it's still probably faster than the 360 lb. O-Linemen that are standing between you and at least a freaking Dave Krieg Used Car Lot commercial.
Your quarterback has been stumbling around like FDR is his partner in a 3-Legged Race and you flopped on the ground seventy yards from your end zone so you could put the ball in his hands ??
How many times in post game interviews have you heard players on the winning team say "We took advantage of our opportunities."
I'm sure I've heard your own quarterback (whose calf muscle is fluttering loose like Tara Reid's bra strap after 2 beers) say it about a half dozen times.
You had the opportunity to score a touchdown or at least get America to tune into the Crosby show, and you slid like Tom Brady up 52-0 in the preseason. So Aaron Rodgers could face the best defense in the league. At home. Artie Lange makes better decisions.
At least Goat of All Time Leon Lett was trying to make something happen. You were trying to make nothing happen. The more I think about it, the angrier I get and I'm a Lions fan. If I was a Packers fan, I'd never date a brunette again because it's almost an anagram of your name. I'd write Ted Thompson a letter begging him to trade you for a bamboo draining mat. At the very least I would toilet paper the hell out of your house. (And I'd be able to find it, too, because you play for Green Bay and Aunt Bea would tell me where you lived if I painted her fence).
The Seahawks won in large part because their punter threw a pass and one of their linemen caught it for a touchdown. Neither of those things is in their job description. The Packers lost, in large part, Morgan Burnett, because you chose not to do what is in yours.



                                   

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