Victory Charade: One Gutsy Player and 314 Million Side Judges: Michael Sam, the SEC Defensive Player of The Year, is gay. The kind of gay where you are attracted to people of your same gender. Being gay...
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
One Gutsy Player and 314 Million Side Judges
Michael Sam, the SEC Defensive Player of The Year, is gay. The kind of gay where you are attracted to people of your same gender. Being gay is an absolute deal breaker when it comes to procreating with your partner, but other than that, I don't think it actually prevents anyone from doing anything else.
It certainly didn't prevent him from being a beast in the toughest conference in modern college football.
Other than injury,only people's perceptions and biases can prevent Michael Sam from having an equal chance at being a successful NFL player.
Defensive players don't usually signal first down
but this guy converted a key one.
By all accounts, the University of Missouri locker room was a cohesive and supportive one this year, and they had a lot of success on the field after Michael came out to them prior to the season.
I have not read or listened to all the opinions out there on the subject of Michael Sam --you couldn't if you wanted to-- coming out to everyone prior to the draft, but I know they come from more angles than a game of Jenga at MC Escher's house.
And one of them that has been voiced is this: An NFL locker room is not ready to accept a gay player.
So, a college locker room was capable of handling it; kids just out of high school, away from home for the first time who ostensibly have to study, go to class, self motivate just to get out of bed, explore their own sexuality (which is, in fact, a great motivator to wake up in the morning)…they can handle it, but a bunch of guys who only have to play football and not crash their Bentley are not gonna be able to handle the sexual orientation of a teammate ??
My first bet of the 2014/15 pro football season is that they can, but if they can't that's almost dumber than crossing against the light when Donte Stallworth is driving hammered. Stallworth thinks that if a team can't handle a gay player and still win, they already have existing problems with their business.
And that's what the NFL is: A business. A football player's job is to perform to the best of his ability on the field, and do everything he can off the field to make sure he is in top physical condition. There is nothing about Michael Sam's sexuality to suggest he won't be able to do those things. There is certainly nothing in his highlight reel to suggest he won't be able to do those things.
So why are we talking about it ?
I have heard people ask that question. I don't have an answer to that question other than to say that in every other area of life Americans have been able to accept gay people and professional team sports seems to be the last frontier. I've always found it immensely hypocritical that people are perfectly okay watching their kids in the stadium rocking out to YMCA and We Are The Champions but refusing to accept some guy on the team in form fitting pants with a drawing of a teal and purple bird on his oversized shirt being gay. It's selective prejudice, and it's stupid.
And he gave you an early start if your kid ever asks you what's really so fun about staying at the YMCA.
*These clowns are not to be confused with people such as Elaine Noble and Barney Frank, who won elections running as open members of the LGBT community.
It certainly didn't prevent him from being a beast in the toughest conference in modern college football.
Other than injury,only people's perceptions and biases can prevent Michael Sam from having an equal chance at being a successful NFL player.
but this guy converted a key one.
By all accounts, the University of Missouri locker room was a cohesive and supportive one this year, and they had a lot of success on the field after Michael came out to them prior to the season.
I have not read or listened to all the opinions out there on the subject of Michael Sam --you couldn't if you wanted to-- coming out to everyone prior to the draft, but I know they come from more angles than a game of Jenga at MC Escher's house.
And one of them that has been voiced is this: An NFL locker room is not ready to accept a gay player.
So, a college locker room was capable of handling it; kids just out of high school, away from home for the first time who ostensibly have to study, go to class, self motivate just to get out of bed, explore their own sexuality (which is, in fact, a great motivator to wake up in the morning)…they can handle it, but a bunch of guys who only have to play football and not crash their Bentley are not gonna be able to handle the sexual orientation of a teammate ??
My first bet of the 2014/15 pro football season is that they can, but if they can't that's almost dumber than crossing against the light when Donte Stallworth is driving hammered. Stallworth thinks that if a team can't handle a gay player and still win, they already have existing problems with their business.
And that's what the NFL is: A business. A football player's job is to perform to the best of his ability on the field, and do everything he can off the field to make sure he is in top physical condition. There is nothing about Michael Sam's sexuality to suggest he won't be able to do those things. There is certainly nothing in his highlight reel to suggest he won't be able to do those things.
So why are we talking about it ?
I have heard people ask that question. I don't have an answer to that question other than to say that in every other area of life Americans have been able to accept gay people and professional team sports seems to be the last frontier. I've always found it immensely hypocritical that people are perfectly okay watching their kids in the stadium rocking out to YMCA and We Are The Champions but refusing to accept some guy on the team in form fitting pants with a drawing of a teal and purple bird on his oversized shirt being gay. It's selective prejudice, and it's stupid.
If you have a problem with gay people, that's your thing and I can't change your mind. But remember this: Dozens of politicians have begged Americans to vote for them, parading their wife and kids in front of every camera, and assuring you that they were watchdogs of "traditional family values"and "Old Glory" only to get caught being the gatekeeper of the glory hole in the men's room of a Family Dollar*.
You don't have to vote for Michael Sam, you don't even have to cheer for Michael Sam (betcha anything ya do if your favorite team drafts him and and the 3 letters you see next to his name most often are TFL and not GAY). But you have to give him credit for this: He never lied to you about what he is.And he gave you an early start if your kid ever asks you what's really so fun about staying at the YMCA.
*These clowns are not to be confused with people such as Elaine Noble and Barney Frank, who won elections running as open members of the LGBT community.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Johnny You ARE Queer, Boy,And We Applaud You
Johnny Weir says "Fuck You" to Vladimir "Restroom Designer of The Year" Putin in the nicest way possible.
Tara Lipinski also wins the Chelsea Clinton from "Awkward to Fuckable in Only A Decade" Award.
(Yes, I realize top level skaters are hardly "awkward" in that sense, but you know exactly what I'm talking about. Send the hate mail anyway)
(Yes, I realize top level skaters are hardly "awkward" in that sense, but you know exactly what I'm talking about. Send the hate mail anyway)
Saturday, February 8, 2014
The Pony Express Guy Just Blurted Out The Nordic Combined Splits
So people are glued to the Olympics on NBC now. That's cool. I like the Olympics. I like most live sporting events. Hear that, NBC ? I said live! And I watched 'em live! On CBC, because other than living in an igloo and amputating my own frostbitten digits to save money, I'm lucky to live in the north where the cable companies carry the far superior network owned by Drake, Mike Myers and the Canadian Government.
What is the allure of prime time in 2014, especially on the weekends ? It's not like we're in the barn darning socks with the Ingalls family during the day. "Plausibly Live" is dead, just like Michael Landon.
Maybe she should kiss the peacock like
she did Bobby Brady, and wake it the fuck up
Anybody who really cares about the events (and FYI, pretty bird network, after events are over they're not events, they're historical events ) who doesn't have the luxury of CBC on their cable can look up the results on their damn phone. Now, I just noticed (mind bogglingly mid-bloggingly) that you yourself are broadcasting some live events on MSNBC!
Now I get it…you like broadcasting the taped events on your flagship station, so you can air all those pre-recorded ventricle grabbers about the biathlete whose neighbor has smallpox. Wake up America! Do we really need that schmaltzy, gauzily shot kinda feature to enjoy sports that happened 12 hours ago. Yeah, America, I guess most of you do. And that's pretty lame. I say from now on they just award the Olympics to cities in the Eastern and Central time zones, or they can suck my clock.
What is the allure of prime time in 2014, especially on the weekends ? It's not like we're in the barn darning socks with the Ingalls family during the day. "Plausibly Live" is dead, just like Michael Landon.
she did Bobby Brady, and wake it the fuck up
Anybody who really cares about the events (and FYI, pretty bird network, after events are over they're not events, they're historical events ) who doesn't have the luxury of CBC on their cable can look up the results on their damn phone. Now, I just noticed (mind bogglingly mid-bloggingly) that you yourself are broadcasting some live events on MSNBC!
Now I get it…you like broadcasting the taped events on your flagship station, so you can air all those pre-recorded ventricle grabbers about the biathlete whose neighbor has smallpox. Wake up America! Do we really need that schmaltzy, gauzily shot kinda feature to enjoy sports that happened 12 hours ago. Yeah, America, I guess most of you do. And that's pretty lame. I say from now on they just award the Olympics to cities in the Eastern and Central time zones, or they can suck my clock.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
My Cousin Went To Sochi and All I Got Was This Autographed Wheaties Box
So my friend Jim's first cousin, once removed (I think I have that right, but it's not like I'm making the guest list for a family reunion on Belle Isle) is competing in Sochi.
Her name is Jessica Smith.She's a short track speed skater from Melvindale, Michigan. I know next to nothing about her, pretty much because she's a short track speed skater from Melvindale, Michigan.
And that simple fact is one of the greatest things, if not the greatest thing about the Olympics.
People who are the best in the world at what they do, but are more obscure than a Tom Robbins religious reference get the network cameras pointed at them for two weeks.
And first cousins once removed and third cousins they've never met and their dog groomer's kids and everyone in their picturesque or nondescript small towns go crazy, and get to brag about them on the internet. And they should.
Melvindale is a basically nondescript but certainly not charmless small town that used to have one of my favorite trucker restaurants. It may still be there, but I can't remember its name to look it up because I only ate there when my BAC was measured with a dipstick.Okay,that digression just slid through the blocks and crashed into the padding, but you get the picture.
The agony of wandering off the track
North America has thousands of Melvindales. But not every Melvindale has a Jessica Smith or someone like her. The ones that do have someone to root for who "is one of them". And Jessica's parents and brother won't be watching on TV, because people in the town did this.
Yep, they'll be in Sochi, with the hacked cellphones and the wonky toilets and loving almost every minute of it.
Just a short skate down the road from Melvindale is River Rouge, and the Port of Detroit, where cargo ships from Russia and China dock. Some of the guys on those ships might have a first cousin once removed, or their letter carrier's kid, or someone from their small town who is competing against Jessica in a sport people only talk about once every four years. But when they do talk about it, they talk with pride. Not everyone in Sochi will earn a picture on a cereal box, but they sure as hell earned that pride.
And that simple fact is one of the greatest things, if not the greatest thing about the Olympics.
People who are the best in the world at what they do, but are more obscure than a Tom Robbins religious reference get the network cameras pointed at them for two weeks.
And first cousins once removed and third cousins they've never met and their dog groomer's kids and everyone in their picturesque or nondescript small towns go crazy, and get to brag about them on the internet. And they should.
Melvindale is a basically nondescript but certainly not charmless small town that used to have one of my favorite trucker restaurants. It may still be there, but I can't remember its name to look it up because I only ate there when my BAC was measured with a dipstick.Okay,that digression just slid through the blocks and crashed into the padding, but you get the picture.
North America has thousands of Melvindales. But not every Melvindale has a Jessica Smith or someone like her. The ones that do have someone to root for who "is one of them". And Jessica's parents and brother won't be watching on TV, because people in the town did this.
Yep, they'll be in Sochi, with the hacked cellphones and the wonky toilets and loving almost every minute of it.
Just a short skate down the road from Melvindale is River Rouge, and the Port of Detroit, where cargo ships from Russia and China dock. Some of the guys on those ships might have a first cousin once removed, or their letter carrier's kid, or someone from their small town who is competing against Jessica in a sport people only talk about once every four years. But when they do talk about it, they talk with pride. Not everyone in Sochi will earn a picture on a cereal box, but they sure as hell earned that pride.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
A NSFW Look at Curling (Part One of Victory Charade Olympic Uncoverage)
Curling is like S&M. It's quite clear that pretty much all winter sports have some masochism in them.
Cross country skiing seems enjoyable on a 34 degree (that's Fahrenheit, rest of the world) afternoon, when you want to go about 500 feet in the woods and see a few whitetail, but the Olympic version ? They're going 40 miles an hour uphill for half a day and splaying their legs at the same interval as Taylor Swift when she sees another plausibly hetero balladeer with an Ovation 12 string.
Why does this perv keep putting my picture
in his sports blog ?
And cross country skiers can't endorse any performance products because oxygen is free , at least until Nestle gets ahold of it.And biathlon ? Same deal, except every few miles you get to lie flat on the ice and let an M-16 recoil against the same shoulder that's propelling you from Siberia to Checkpoint Charlie.
Downhill isn't much better. It's over quicker, but you train your whole life for an event, then you can brush a gate (A gate to what ? A gate should have at least a swimming pool and a hibachi full of bratwurst behind it) that slows you down by 2 one millionths of a second and go from a Wheaties box hero to a broke alcoholic selling lift tickets and polishing black diamond signs at Mt. Trust Fund, Vermont. Even the laid back, Vaporub and vaporizing Snowboarders can fucking die (R.I.P. Sarah Burke) doing all those half pipe tricks that seem like they are named after early 20 Century comedians: "Whoa, Trevor really zeppoed that 420 Skelton until he Curlied that gnarly Chaplin and jacked his benny... Someone's gonna have to throw another Shemp on that Ollie".
But curling has the sadism to go with the masochism.
Curling skips make people grab brooms then bark orders at them. But just to prove they aren't complete riding crop wielding dominatrixes, they let other people have a turn as dungeon master. And every Olympic year, people decide "Hey, that looks like fun"and sign up at The Detroit Curling Club, like bored married couples who turn the laundry room into a fully equipped leather and restraint playroom, only to give it up the first time someone has to explain to the boss why people are gasping at the wrist bruises during a PowerPoint presentation.
I have been asked during or after the last three winter Olympic years to join large groups of people to take lessons or join beginner teams. And my answer is always the same: I don't want to watch you make your husband wear a diaper and a ballgag to spice up your marriage…oh, Curling ? No, because much like washing valium sprinkled popcorn down with Chambord, I'll get hooked and the rest of you fuckers will quit and I'll be doing it with strangers and feel like an idiot.
Besides, I'll be the first one to get mad at being constantly told what to do with my broom and throw the damn stone through the gift shop window and kill the Manitoba U-12 champ while he's signing autographs. And I have to admit, as much as the sport appeals to me because it seems like a more athletic, more complicated form of darts, that the first thing that caught my eye is how many good looking women compete at a high level.
Cross country skiing seems enjoyable on a 34 degree (that's Fahrenheit, rest of the world) afternoon, when you want to go about 500 feet in the woods and see a few whitetail, but the Olympic version ? They're going 40 miles an hour uphill for half a day and splaying their legs at the same interval as Taylor Swift when she sees another plausibly hetero balladeer with an Ovation 12 string.
in his sports blog ?
And cross country skiers can't endorse any performance products because oxygen is free , at least until Nestle gets ahold of it.And biathlon ? Same deal, except every few miles you get to lie flat on the ice and let an M-16 recoil against the same shoulder that's propelling you from Siberia to Checkpoint Charlie.
Downhill isn't much better. It's over quicker, but you train your whole life for an event, then you can brush a gate (A gate to what ? A gate should have at least a swimming pool and a hibachi full of bratwurst behind it) that slows you down by 2 one millionths of a second and go from a Wheaties box hero to a broke alcoholic selling lift tickets and polishing black diamond signs at Mt. Trust Fund, Vermont. Even the laid back, Vaporub and vaporizing Snowboarders can fucking die (R.I.P. Sarah Burke) doing all those half pipe tricks that seem like they are named after early 20 Century comedians: "Whoa, Trevor really zeppoed that 420 Skelton until he Curlied that gnarly Chaplin and jacked his benny... Someone's gonna have to throw another Shemp on that Ollie".
But curling has the sadism to go with the masochism.
Curling skips make people grab brooms then bark orders at them. But just to prove they aren't complete riding crop wielding dominatrixes, they let other people have a turn as dungeon master. And every Olympic year, people decide "Hey, that looks like fun"and sign up at The Detroit Curling Club, like bored married couples who turn the laundry room into a fully equipped leather and restraint playroom, only to give it up the first time someone has to explain to the boss why people are gasping at the wrist bruises during a PowerPoint presentation.
I have been asked during or after the last three winter Olympic years to join large groups of people to take lessons or join beginner teams. And my answer is always the same: I don't want to watch you make your husband wear a diaper and a ballgag to spice up your marriage…oh, Curling ? No, because much like washing valium sprinkled popcorn down with Chambord, I'll get hooked and the rest of you fuckers will quit and I'll be doing it with strangers and feel like an idiot.
Besides, I'll be the first one to get mad at being constantly told what to do with my broom and throw the damn stone through the gift shop window and kill the Manitoba U-12 champ while he's signing autographs. And I have to admit, as much as the sport appeals to me because it seems like a more athletic, more complicated form of darts, that the first thing that caught my eye is how many good looking women compete at a high level.
That's Anna Hartelt, and that the lower picture is not from some "lad rag"
that's from the Women of Curling Calendar.
And according to the website, it was the women's idea. No man made them get down on one knee on an ice rink and agree to pose for the pictures at broom point. Because that would take stones.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Don't Bet the Under or Try to Dance Like Bruno Mars
So I begged you guys to take the under in my January 31st blog.
Yep. I never said I was infallible. Well maybe once when I was fifteen and I thought "infallible" meant STD free, but…. I'm human. I'm not God, who apparently wanted Russell Wilson to win more than Peyton Manning.Wilson didn't go full Kurt Warner, but dammit Russell, if God liked short guys so much Herve Villechaize would still have a TV show. (He's dead, so 16 year old girls would think he's hot).
If you took the under, you lost, but you can't really sue me. I'm pretty sure you can't sue the gambling services that you pay for.
I am sorry, but I'm by no means devastated like I'm the Broncos clubhouse attendant or the owner of The Olive Garden in Secaucus, where the Broncos were supposed to have their victory party.
I only have a few hobbies, and one of them is watching and occasionally (constantly) wagering on sports.
This football season I made a profit of a little over $200, or less than it cost Pam Oliver to get her hair did*1 for "The Big Game"*2.
But gambling is still a great hobby and I can't imagine not doing it. I'm sorry if you lost money based on my recommendation. The internet is a fucking convention of snake oil salesmen, and I guess now I'm one of them. It's not like Coke or Bud Light will change your life, but they tried to convince you of that 20 times tonight.
Pete Carroll wouldn't have told his best friend in confidence that he thought his Legion of Boom defense was gonna hold Peyton Manning and the Broncos "Force Mature" offense to 8 points, then shatter the over (47 at kickoff) with a defensive touchdown, a special teams touchdown, and a safety. 43 points for the Seahawks ? Lewis Carroll couldn't have written that with a straight face.
So football season is over for the year. The Space Needle might be on fire right now, for all I know. I'm not gonna watch a lot of post-game recaps. I've gotta start researching my Olympic Biathlon and Short Track Speedskating picks, so I can cost you your lunch money on those too.
*1. I know it's "hair done". "Hair did" is an urban colloquialism.Colloquialism= I'm still at my under for unnecessarily big words.
*2. "The Big Game" is what commercial ventures who don't tithe Roger Goodell are supposed to call the Super Bowl. Roger Goodell can blow me.
If you took the under, you lost, but you can't really sue me. I'm pretty sure you can't sue the gambling services that you pay for.
I am sorry, but I'm by no means devastated like I'm the Broncos clubhouse attendant or the owner of The Olive Garden in Secaucus, where the Broncos were supposed to have their victory party.
I only have a few hobbies, and one of them is watching and occasionally (constantly) wagering on sports.
This football season I made a profit of a little over $200, or less than it cost Pam Oliver to get her hair did*1 for "The Big Game"*2.
But gambling is still a great hobby and I can't imagine not doing it. I'm sorry if you lost money based on my recommendation. The internet is a fucking convention of snake oil salesmen, and I guess now I'm one of them. It's not like Coke or Bud Light will change your life, but they tried to convince you of that 20 times tonight.
Pete Carroll wouldn't have told his best friend in confidence that he thought his Legion of Boom defense was gonna hold Peyton Manning and the Broncos "Force Mature" offense to 8 points, then shatter the over (47 at kickoff) with a defensive touchdown, a special teams touchdown, and a safety. 43 points for the Seahawks ? Lewis Carroll couldn't have written that with a straight face.
So football season is over for the year. The Space Needle might be on fire right now, for all I know. I'm not gonna watch a lot of post-game recaps. I've gotta start researching my Olympic Biathlon and Short Track Speedskating picks, so I can cost you your lunch money on those too.
*1. I know it's "hair done". "Hair did" is an urban colloquialism.Colloquialism= I'm still at my under for unnecessarily big words.
*2. "The Big Game" is what commercial ventures who don't tithe Roger Goodell are supposed to call the Super Bowl. Roger Goodell can blow me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)