Boston "Solong"…Who Do We Hate Next ? Anyone Left to Love ?

Good Riddance tonight to the Boston Bruins, an incorrigible cadre of evildoers coached by a guy who actually resembles Gru from Despicable Me.

Told ya. 

For Detroiters and Red Wings fans everywhere, that eliminated the team they were most rooting against. I'm sure some were rooting against Pittsburgh in large part because of Sidney Crosby. I assume everyone outside of Pennsylvania, Nova Scotia and the Tim Horton's marketing department roots against Sidney Crosby. So who do you root for now, and what's the criteria for picking them ?

This is where sports and film/TV entertainment differ so greatly. Kevin Spacey can play a villain, and you generally root against his character, in most cases, but you leave the theater saying "Kevin Spacey is an amazing actor", and you root for him when he's playing K-Pax, unless you're Milan Lucic and you're so dumb you think K-Pax is what your sister buys once a month. {I could have really made that a much more vulgar reference and next time the Wings play the Bruins I'm probably gonna regret not sprinting down that path}. In sports, you're pretty much pulling for the real human being at his real job.

And unless your name is Stu Grimson, you probably aren't a whole helluva lot different out of uniform.

So we know who we hate, and some of 'em are gone. Who do we root for now, Detroit ? Three Original 6 franchises left. Or the newbies from the west coast ?

The Norris Division Is The Space Between the Kidney and The Spleen

Major League Baseball's season is longer than the night before a prostate exam, so why do pitchers throw at the very next batter after they give up a home run ?
The Baltimore Orioles starter Bud Norris plunked Torii Hunter tonight after Ian Kinsler hit one so hard Barry Levinson bitchslapped his Oscar.
He was immediately ejected, then went in to a performance that looked like he wanted an Oscar of his own.

                                         Bud Norris, we don't really like you. Sally is cool though.

Dude. You hit Torii Hunter so square in the ribs that some orthopedic residents at Johns Hopkins took notes. You had to know that there was a good possibility you were gonna get tossed. Don't give me that "but it was a breaking ball" nonsense. Lots of major leaguers have sliders that crack 90 on the gun and they could hit Eddie Gaedel in the tear duct with 'em. 90 is gonna hurt whether it's a slider or the age of the last chick available at The Chicken Ranch
Tonight was the first freakin' game of the series. How about a little stealth and intrigue ?
Don't tell me about tradition and "sending a message", especially if you're not just gonna cop to it and walk to the clubhouse.
Pitching traditions change. So let's change this one. Brush back the guy who hit the home run with the first pitch thrown to him the next game. Sure, the starter who gave up the home run won't have that opportunity, but should you really get the little glory tantrum for screwing up in the first place ?
Don't get me wrong. Any drama injected into this new MLB that's watered down like Daddy's vodka after prom night is great with me. The other day, in the current video mediator MLB, Ron Gardenhire actually had a real argument and got tossed. I haven't been that happily nostalgic since I got to meet
Susan Olsen.

                                       L to R Didrik Davis, Cindy Brady, Me. Sam the Butcher 
                                            not pictured
So I'm not calling for anyone to outlaw the brushback, the occasional plunk, The Randy Johnson behind the back mindfuck, etc. I'm just wondering why pitchers aren't a little more patient about venting their frustrations.
And I don't know who your baseball agent is, Bud Norris, but stick with him. You really don't need a theatrical version.

Too Bad the NFL Banned Stickum,Because The Slope Can't Get Any Slipperier

Openly gay Missouri defensive standout Michael Sam got drafted by the St. Louis Rams. He's a helluva football player and I was 99% sure someone would draft him. ESPN had cameras present when he was notified and if you didn't think that was gonna happen please never apply to Specs Howard School of Media Arts. Don't even apply for Shemp Howard School of Anything.
Sam celebrated by kissing his partner. I saw lots of kissing and hugging when people were drafted, but of course Sam kissing his white male partner became its own little news item. I'm sure many people applauded or maybe even got choked up.
2nd year Miami Dolphins linebacker Don Jones was not applauding. He tweeted "Horrible".
Now Jones's bosses wanna have a little talk with him. And I wanna have a talk with them:
Dolphins GM Dennis Hickey, your team has lately been a purple blemish on the neck of the NFL and you and your league have much greater things to worry about than reprimanding people for one word tweets.If you allow your players to have twitter accounts-which is a huge source of free of charge marketing for the league-you must allow them some freedom to express themselves when they aren't helping your sorry ass team sell tickets.
I don't agree with Don Jones's assessment of Michael Sam being drafted and the subsequent celebratory kiss. If Michael Sam wanted to kiss a frog and make the ESPN crew sit there and wait for it to turn into a fucking Prince, he has the right to do so.

And Don Jones has the right to not like it. All he said was "Horrible". He didn't use a slur, threaten anyone, mention the NFL or any "corporate partners". He just said "Horrible". Some people think caramel is horrible, that doesn't mean they are gonna take it out of Twix bars.
Let me refresh your memory, Dennis. This weekend as all the players were drafted, your headmaster Roger Goodell,who I happen to think is horrible, stated the name of the college that they played football for. Do you really think that all the players coming out of all those different schools are going to have the same opinion on everything ? You have players in the league from Southern Methodist and BYU. The various military academies don't even see eye-to-eye on every issue. You cannot promote the ethnic and religious diversity of your league and turn around and slap someone's wrist for speaking their mind when it doesn't fall lockstep into your brand spanking new National Enlightenment League. I wouldn't blame you for banning Twitter accounts for all new contracts, Dennis. That crap last year with your O-Line made General Hospital look like Shakespeare. But until you ban Twitter and all its positives for your league, expect some opinions and respect some opinions, Dennis. It's a discussion, not a concussion.
Your league has to aggressively campaign to get kids to go out and play your sport, because many kids would rather sit on the sofa playing Madden, where they get to control every single action of every single player. Maybe you oughta give that a try, Dennis, and leave the real live football players to someone else.

Richie Parker Has a Cooler Car Than You and Probably Drives it Better

It will be difficult, if not impossible to tell yourself you cannot do something after watching this.
http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=9499560
If you find inspiration in it, that's great. Though it might shame the shit out of you first.

Damn UCLA! He's Not the Grand Wizard of Westwood

UCLA has rejected a 3 million dollar donation for kidney research from LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling.
And in the process, they have just taken the coveted number 2 spot on my most hated colleges after Ohio State.*
Is it silly to root against a team of athletes because of a decision they had nothing to do with? Probably. But not nearly as silly as turning down that kind money from a guy who simply said some things most people find objectionable. You can read about the decision here:
http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/04/ucla-donald-sterling-donation
There is absolutely no evidence that Donald Sterling made his money illegally, and if you're gonna call into question all the ethics of billionaires then no one would be accepting money from billionaires. You don't get that rich without underpaying someone, destroying some part of the environment, or just being a dick in general.
So Sterling doesn't want his girlfriend hanging out with black dudes. So what ?

                                             Not quite Aryan, but produces really popular
                                             spoken word albums.
                                                
                                     Kidney disease is actually more prevalent in the African American community than it is in caucasians, so all UCLA is doing is potentially making less black dudes for her to hang around with. What kind of statement is that?
Donald Sterling spent a lot of his fortune for decades paying African Americans millions to not be very good at their job. To be fair, most Clippers, regardless of race, should have been on the Washington Generals, but the point is that some of that money benefitted the African American community. Nothing Sterling did or said--not once did I hear the dreaded, guaranteed to get your ass fired, middle of the alphabet epithet uttered--merits his money being turned down. I'm sure other philanthropists will step forward and cover the donation, but UCLA should have taken that money. In fact, my white "not-wanting-my-girlfriend-to-hang-out-with-anyone-better-looking-than-me-and-that's-a bunch-of-people" ass will go as far as saying UCLA could have taken that money conducted kidney research exclusively on African Americans and I would have applauded.
I was in a bar once (just once) when a guy punched a girl. In the ensuing melee, his wallet dropped out of his pants and someone who strongly resembles me used the money in it to buy drinks for the girl who got hit and for the rest of the bar. None of us liked or respected the guy, but we put the money to the best use possible at quarter to two.
UCLA already had the contents of Sterling's wallet. They never should have given it back.





* I can't even tell you who was number 2 before. It can't be MSU, because I root for them most of the time when they aren't playing Michigan. It was Nebraska after they shared the national championship with Michigan, but I've gotten over it. It can't be a college that rejected my application because that is too large a number to occupy one position on the chart.

And Maybe Pujols Would Have Gotten Him J.B Schuck's Autograph

Albert Pujols hit his 498th career home run off Tiger closer Joe Nathan Saturday afternoon. I was there courtesy of my buddy Tommy B, and we knew the number of the home run was in the high 400's. It was an impressive looking thing too, at least from our perspective behind the visitor's dugout on the first base line. But it didn't land so far back in the crowd that a regular beer swilling Tiger fan couldn't throw the ball back on to the field. Which, after some coaxing, he did.

                                                    This guy would have kept it.

I love the tradition of throwing an opponent's home run back on to the field. I believe that originated at Wrigley in Chicago, and I'm not gonna research it any further because Wrigley is the coolest ballpark still standing, no one grades me on this blog and because you are not the boss of me. I wish I could say the tradition started at Tiger Stadium, but I didn't see it there until years after I first saw it at Wrigley. Besides, if it started at Tiger Stadium some bleacher bum with a BAC higher than Kaline's career average would have knocked out Chet Lemon*.
But that ball, even though it was not a milestone, was still a rare souvenir.
Only 26 players have hit 498 home runs or more. So there are only 26 possible balls with that exact number attached to them ever.
Strangely enough, two career 498's were hit at Comerica Park, the other being the talented but mercenary Gary Sheffield's blast off the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' Andy Sonnanstine.
On Saturday,a ball boy fetched the discarded ball and brought it over to the left field foul line, where he appeared to hand it to a kid. And I hope that kid's parent/legal guardian/scout leader/creepy next door neighbor knew the rarity of that baseball and arranged to have it autographed. I gotta imagine either Pujols would want the baseball himself in exchange for some pretty cool autographed gear, or at the very least he'd slap his signature on it and pose for a picture.
Either way, that was a ball worth holding on to temporarily. I know I wouldn't have succumbed to the grandstand peer pressure, though it is possible that after a few months I might have succumbed to eBay.



*Not very many home run balls landed in the upper deck bleachers in Tiger Stadium, so mostly Chet Lemon just had to deal with beach balls that smelled like shitty weed.

Playoff Highlights: Buy 'Em By The Sack

Utterly unjustifiable.
Hopefully the internet gods will let you watch the above video. They won't let me post it on here-you know that "any rebroadcast or retransmission of the pictures or accounts of this game…" speech you hear on sports TV. I think the video violates that little edict.
But not nearly as much as Boston winger Milan Lucic violated Danny DeKeyser's manhood.
Lucic was +30 this season, but in one shift he made DeKeyser a "minus two".

                                                    Photoshop it to a gold #17 yourself
Any hockey fan can look at that play, blank out the jerseys and say it's a complete sucker-ass-cheap-shot drunken rec league maneuver.
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck just moved in less than a mile from my house, and the odds are better that they come over with a jam box and break dance on my front porch in their Elektra and Daredevil costumes than there is that the Nut Hacking League will suspend Lucic for a playoff game. He'll get fined, and it will cost him a weekend skiing in Whistler, B.C. and it will be business as usual.
What he really needs is his ass kicked. A good D Mac-style attack until there's so many teeth on ice it looks like One Direction at a cryogenics lab.
No man for any reason should skate up from behind another man and hit him between the legs with a stick, unless maybe the recipient put an ad on craigslist for it.
There is no excuse for what Lucic did. But one of the factors in him doing it is that the league has been so successful in legislating fighting out of the game that Lucic didn't fear reprisal.
Never mind that people in the Bible Belt still don't give a rat's Ecclesiastes about hockey. The fighting is gone. Wasn't that gonna be the magic formula for America embracing the game ? Well, it didn't work.

It just means that one kid from British Columbia can fucking neuter another kid from Michigan as long as he's willing to pay 25 to 50 grand for the privilege.