And In the 5th Round I Draft the Make A Wish Kid Who Fetches the Tee

The "Fantasy" in Fantasy Football has never been more apropos. I don't mean fantasy like Brad Hamilton spanking it to a topless Linda Barrett in Fast Times, I mean fantasy like the deep, time warping and perception altering of the magic in David Eddings tales.

The first "fantasy" sport was baseball, called "Rotisserie" after the restaurant in which the participants met. Complex, but simple. A hit was a hit, a strikeout was a strikeout, etc. Box scores had been with us for nearly a century in 1980 when Rotisserie baseball was created, and books, even encyclopedias had been written about the statistical magic of the game. The concept was transferred to football and the hobby/pastime/divorce accelerator exploded. I participated in my first Fantasy Football draft in 1990. No websites, no cheat sheets, just official rosters out of USA Today and eight sports nerds huddled around a coffee table drinking beer and basically shouting the names of our favorite players until we had a QB, two RB's...yeah, if you've read this far you get it. 

That was Quest for Fire. Now, it's Star Trek TNG. Computer simulations, mocks, everything broken down and laid out for ya: "How many yards per carry does Aaron Ripowski have in domed stadiums after Thanksgiving when Aquarius is rising ? Get your $189.99 monthly Tagliaboom! Subscription and find out!"

Except the league changed the rules. The one about tackling. They have played exactly ZERO regular season games, since Roger "Is that my ass? I only have two hands, can someone help me find my ass?" Goodell and his merry band of head injury defendants decided that it is a 15 yard penalty and possible ejection if "A player lowers his helmet to establish a linear body posture prior to initiating and making contact with the helmet". Is that a lyric from Subterranean Homesick Blues I've forgotten ? How about " contact clearly avoidable and player delivering the blow had other options". Like what, Rog ? Twice Baked Potato instead of Soup ? The defensive player's job is to make contact with the guy with the ball, not save you 15% on your liability insurance. 

There are no computer models to tell us how individual defensive players are going to adapt their game, there are only good guesses (based on preseason) which officials are more prone to flagging what was a legal tackle last fucking season and we've already seen players turning their backs on ballcarriers in the red zone because they have instinctively lowered their helmets already.

I don't care what your personal past performance in fantasy is, I don't care what the myriad draft projections say: You cannot come close to accurately predicting who is going to score because a fundamental element of the game has changed. You have no way of knowing who will adapt and who will be gathering hankies like the front row of an Elvis concert. 

Just for fun: Print your projections or the projections of the fantasy football website you most trust. Tape them to the wall next to your Lawrence Phillips fathead and in January you can see what a complete disaster predicting this season has been.I guarantee you it will be more evil magic than it is Phoebe Cates topless.

Spread Too Thin

Imagine if you only had access to one brand of peanut butter for your whole life.You loved it. You proudly wore t-shirts with the peanut butter logo on it and you frequently toured the factory to watch peanut butter being made. A few other brands briefly popped up with great fanfare but were laughed at and ignored and then it was back to the brand you grew up on. The peanut butter was so popular that it was a source of pride for the area in which you lived. In fact, a kid from your high school got a rare and highly sought after job at the peanut butter factory and it was the talk of your town.

Everyone ate the peanut butter at least once a week. It was just a given. This was your peanut butter. There was no reason to question it. Until one day there was; rumors started that the way they made the peanut butter was causing the workers to have chronic illnesses. It made you wonder, but you dismissed it. People had dreamed their whole life of getting a lucrative job at the peanut butter factory, nothing's perfect, it was the sacrifice they were willing to make... you were still gonna enjoy your peanut butter. 

Then there were whispers that consumers were finding hair in their jars of peanut butter. Gotta be an isolated incident, right ? This is the peanut butter we grew up on! This peanut butter is an institution.They'll do whatever they can to make sure no more hair gets in the peanut butter. But then the reports of hair in the peanut butter became more frequent.

The company had to issue a statement. They promised that they are working on the problem. Hair continued to be found. They released another statement saying they were still exploring theproblem but due to mechanical and personnel issues, there was always going to be a chance that some hair would enter the peanut butter.

Then one day it was in your jar of peanut butter.It was disgusting, but other people had experienced it and it didn't kill them. Suck it up, it's just a few hairs. Pick it out and enjoy the peanut butter.

So you did, you went on, finished that jar and got a new one. And there was even more hair. People said " Do you realize how hard it is to make peanut butter ?" You realized that making peanut butter is a difficult task, but you also remember when they somehow managed to make it without the damn hair. 

And now, when you went to work on Monday, that was the topic of conversation. It seems every single jar has hair in it.It was the rule and not the exception.

For a while, every time you opened a new jar you hoped that this jar would be like the old jars. It might not be perfect, but it would be better. And for years, every time you opened a jar of peanut butter with that hopeful thought in mind, you were disappointed.Then one day your jar was more hair than peanut butter. You didn't care if the whole world was willing to overlook the hair to get their hands on that peanut butter, you were sick of it. 

You had written letters asking the peanut butter makers to explain and even though you got a letter back, it didn't answer any of your questions. They seemed to realize "We're the only peanut butter manufacturer. We don't have to make our peanut butter any better. In fact, people are willing to defend our peanut butter for free. Why should we change ?"

And your response was " There's no law saying I have to eat peanut butter at all".

That's me and the NFL.I didn't watch the divisional round. I didn't watch the conference championships. I won't be watching the Super Bowl for the first time in my life. It has nothing to do with anyone kneeling, standing, doing jumping jacks or backflips. It has everything to do with what happens between the lines and in the boardrooms. The peanut butter is terrible now and I refuse to buy it. You wanna keep buying, keep buying. But don't complain to me about hair.Hair is part of what you agree to accept every time you unscrew that lid.

"I'm a Fan of Tightrope Walking Except The Height and the Balancing"

There's a huge difference in the subtle differences between the statements "I play guitar" and "I'm a guitar player".
The former calls to mind a probably-not-in-tune acoustic that sits in the corner of an apartment living room and kinda makes you look cool until the person you brought home from the bar asks you through a cloud of Fireball breath to play Stairway to Heaven on it.
The latter conjures up someone who is perfectly happy talking guitar gear and guitar gods all night,could probably sit in with most cover bands on any given night, and in a burning building scenario might have to flip a coin between his axe and his cat.
It's much harder to discern what someone means when they say "I'm a Lions fan". Most of the time, they're lying. People often make it easier by adding "but"...followed by a whole list of complaints, excuses, caveats, restrictions, voids where prohibited, etc.
And the Lions have certainly given Detroit football fans plenty of reasons (32,618 last I looked and that doesn't count drafting a tight end #1 all but two of the last four hundred drafts) to get down on them. There are things true fans would like to see changed, but we're still going to be loyal while we're waiting. Look at it this way: You might want your girlfriend to get a breast augmentation, but would you tell her you're not going to spend time with her until she does ?
If you hate the ownership, the front office, the coaching staff, the offensive line, the defensive backfield, the quarterback, the absence of a number one running back, and the only two players you've ever liked are Barry Sanders and a certain Dancer with Stars, you probably aren't really a Lions fan. And that's fine. You are a football fan who resides in a city with a traditionally underachieving team and it pisses you off. I get it, trust me.
 *BUT* you are not, by definition, a fan. 
Owning a dusty Chris Spielman jersey is not a membership card. If you were a fan and you gave up, that's fine too. I don't blame you. 
If you would like to see the Lions implode against the Seahawks because you think it will prompt the Ford family to sell, you're not only not a fan, you're dumb enough that I could sell you Natalie Portman's soiled panties, except they'd be skidmarked BVD's in my size.
Being a true Lions fan is much different than being a disgruntled fan of the sport they play in who secretly wishes he would have grown up in Joliet so he could claim the ONE SUPER BOWL VICTORY glory of the Bears in his lifetime.
I'm not even going to waste my time listing what makes a true Lions fan, though owning a Don Muhlbach jersey is a good start.
Fans of 10 NFC teams will not be watching their teams in the playoffs today. If you are not watching the game tonight because you are convinced of S.O.L., then you are in no way, shape or form a Lions fan. Do not ever say you are. If you don't like the manner in which they qualified for the playoffs ( none of us really do ) so you're not gonna watch, you're not a Lions fan, you're an ice skating judge worrying about style points.
If you are watching but you're gonna claim Dak Prescott's superiority to Matt Stafford the first time they don't convert a 3rd and 7, laugh and say "I told you so"any time the Lions turn the ball over, say the words "Mel Kiper" at any point during the contest, or volunteer to pick up the pizza during gametime, you're well on your way to not being a Lions fan.
In 1965, Ralph Nader told the world that riding in a Corvair would kill you, but there are still Corvair owners clubs in the United States. 
And there are still true Lions fans out there, who are gonna watch this game tonight, cheering, agonizing, screaming, maybe even crying, believing that this patchwork bunch of guys in Honolulu Blue can stumble over to the corner, tune up that acoustic, and play this town Stairway to Heaven.

Check the Couch Cushions at Suite Level, I Think You Guys Can Fix This

Babe Ruth hit a home run every 11.76 at bats.  That's a little less than three average games. When he promised a sick kid a home run, he had a 33% chance of making good. More importantly,  with those gestures, he spawned a tradition of pro and college athletes interacting with chronically ill and disabled children in their communities. NCAA bowl activities for every college football team I have checked on so far includes a trip to a children's hospital. Certainly it's part of the PR machine, but out of these trips the occasional true friendship is forged ( I'm not gonna do your holiday Awww-grab-a-tissue reconnaissance for you, you'll find em if ya want to ). 
Today I heard about this disappointing, infuriating and not necessarily surprising piece of news:
http://kfoxtv.com/news/local/texas-cuts-350-million-in-medicaid-program.
The cuts directly impact various speech and occupational therapies that could affect 60,000 kids.
Sixty Thousand.Disabled. Kids. In a fucking sports obsessed state.
So say to me "That's too bad, Jimmy, but maybe Texas doesn't have the money. "
The same Texas that just spend 70 Million on a high school football stadium in McKinney. So, yeah, um, they might not have all of the 350 million, because kids who can throw and run and catch get to do so in a state of the art-- I'll repeat,( more as catharsis for myself than an insult to your reading comprehension) SEVENTY MILLION DOLLAR  facility while kids who can't run or throw or catch can go fuck themselves when they want to learn how to hold a fork or pronounce the word "touchdown" ?
I don't live in Texas and I don't vote in Texas. I sit on my ass and watch sports on TV in Michigan. And whilst doing so, two guys who own teams pop up on my screen quite a bit. Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban. Owners of the NFL's Dallas Cowboys and the NBA's  Dallas Mavericks.
These guys are colorful, give better interview than Charlie Sheen at the LAX arrival gate from Peru, and are not gonna be waiting by the mailbox so they can sprint up and cash their tax return at the party store.
Their shared passion is taking fantastically physically skilled young men and drafting them (yes, they have people who help them, but they are two of the most hands-on owners in the history of professional sports) to perform for their teams. These guys can't watch an American high school football game (Jones) or global amateur basketball game (Cuban) involving kids under the age of 18 without dreaming (Jonesin' ?) to have the most physically gifted kids one day play for their teams.
Same goes for their lesser known counterparts in baseball -MLB's Texas Rangers' Ray Davis,( net worth 2.6 Billion) and hockey- The NHL's Dallas Stars' Tom Gaglardi, (net worth 2.24 Billion).
The two latter gentlemen's leagues actually allow them to draft and sign minors to professional contracts. 17 year old kids and younger, who ostensibly attend high schools with kids who can't speak or walk, much less hit a curveball or skate. So,by gift of a healthy DNA helix, some kids become millionaires before they can legally vote while others who weren't so lucky are denied access to therapies that can improve their quality of life and in some cases help them find employment.
And we are not talking about a veto of proposed programs, we're talking about programs and therapies to which these kids have had access and to which they've become accustomed and rely on.
Go ask the Cowboys of the 70's glory teams and I'll bet most if not all of em managed to make the NFL without the benefit of the kind of facilities the kids will have in McKinney and other areas of Texas.
No one truly needs a 70 Million dollar stadium to play high school football...do I even have to finish typing the flip side of this coin ?
Healthy= new cleats, bright lights, whirlpools and weight rooms. Disabled= Sorry, Colt, your speech therapist ain't coming back. She's slinging chicken fried quail appetizers at AT&T Stadium during Cowboys games because the state is too broke to pay her. Sort of. (And I swear on Staubach's Naval Academy hat that chicken fried quail appetizers really are on the menu at AT&T).
Sixty thousand kids will be deprived of educational and therapeutic services while ninety one thousand plus blue star clad maniacs suck down $8.50 beers at Cowboys games until they sound like they need a speech therapist. Bow Hout Dem Curboys, indeed.
Don't mess with Texas ? Ok, I can't take on the whole damn state, but I can ask and I am asking the owners of Texas's pro sports franchises to do something.
Mr.Cuban, you make Joe Cocker look like the statue of Sam Houston when one of your guys gets fouled without a whistle, you cannot sit by and let disabled kids get fouled by Medicaid cuts.
Mr. Jones, I just saw highlights of your talented and ridiculously good looking grandson QBing his team to the Texas State High School  Football 5A Division Championship. You were happier than Michael Irvin at a Motel 6. I'm sure John worked very hard to attain his football goal, but he was given every resource imaginable to do so. Surely you agree that someone else's grandchild who just wants to work hard to propel his own wheelchair in front of the TV to watch Dak Prescott heave one to Dez Bryant should be offered the physical therapy to help him do so, correct ? You know how you can make that happen ? Cocktail parties with the world famous cheerleaders. Silver socks from one home game auctioned off. Countless ways you can chip away at this shortfall without even dipping into your own considerable financial resources.
Hey, Bob McNair of the Texans, (net worth 3.3 Billion). You're on the Board of Trustees of the Baylor College of Medicine. Betcha anything the faculty there has solid evidence of the benefits of therapy for disabled kids. You can't let your rival Jerry get all the good PR. Disrobe JJ Watt after a three sack game and your cronies in biotech will fall all over themselves to outbid each other for every item he wore. Through in Hopkins and a couple of the other guys, multiply it by 16, see where I'm going with this ?
Peter Holt, of the San Antonio Spurs, not only do you have more rings than every Liberace tribute show in Vegas, you're a decorated Vietnam Vet with a Silver Star. Bro. You didn't have to serve in Vietnam, your great granddad Benjamin invented the track-type tractor. So you're already a guy who goes above and beyond. You were Chairman of the United Way, which doesn't have a sterling rep, but it's still a charitable organization. An evening, dinner, drinks, etc. with Tim Duncan or David Robinson would pull huge corporate dinero and you know it way better than I do. Shit, an autographed Kawhi Leonard Fathead would probably fetch speech therapy for a month for a kid.
Jim Crane of the Astros, you're the new guy, but you're in that 2 billion dollar range, so you're not exactly Screech. You gave over a million bucks to both your high school and college in Missouri to have baseball fields named after you. That's good for the ego, my man, and I love baseball, but if you want to have a real impact in your adopted state, how about a little somethin' for kids who won't ever have the luxury of playing baseball like you did ? They say you wouldn't even have finished college if it wasn't for your baseball coach. Don't ya think some kids have that same kinda relationship with their physical therapist ? If ya can't answer that, can you tell me how much you paid to have the B-52's play your ex wife's birthday party ? I actually don't really care, I'm just pointing out that you could use this cosmic thing called the prestige of owning a major league baseball team to raise some dough for kids who truly, truly need it.
Do you get it, fellas ? 350 Million is a lot of money, but with a concerted effort--or for that matter, a competitive effort to see who can raise the most money-you are all capable of eradicating this problem. In the words of  The Simpson's Principal Skinner: "Make it a game". It's far more important than a game, but you guys have proven that you live for competition. You certainly have a better than 33% chance of success.
The kid that Babe Ruth most famously promised a home run for in the 1926 World Series was named Johnny Sylvester. He had osteomyelitis in his skull from a horseback riding accident.
The Babe wrote the promise on an autographed ball and he hit not one, but three.
Not only did Johnny recover, he graduated from Princeton and went on to be a business executive.
You guys have about 60,000 Johnny Sylvesters out there in Texas, waiting for you to hit them a home run.

Making The Designated Hitter Rule Great

Let me pour myself a little Edgar Martinez with some anchovy Tony Olivas and let's have a Frank Thomas discussion about the DH.
Some of you hate it, have always hated it, are never gonna like it and you want it gone. Your aunt with the mole like a corncob pipe that insists on kissing you can have that removed. The DH is not going anywhere, so this whole discussion takes place in the real world...

                                                         Eye black, and she was a
                                                         "free swinger". That makes
                                                         her a DH in my book

...a world where there's no way in hell the MLB Player's Association is gonna allow baseball to cut short the careers of guys who are making 8 figures a year and aren't even allowed to order an Ove Glove from late night infomercials.
And now, according to published reports, the DH is coming to the National League.
If you're into symmetry in general, this is a good thing. Both leagues, same rules, you don't have to juggle your fantasy lineup because that coveted subway series between the Mariners and the Marlins is taking place all weekend.
But what are we gonna lose when the DH hits the senior circuit ?
Strategy, mostly. The artistry of guys like Bruce Bochy, who make lineup cards look like Timothy Leary invented Sudoku.
Managers who don't care about the social media impact of bringing in Perez to pitch to Helton. (Perez Helton! Get it ? Don't get it ? It's funny to your son who is gonna transition to be your daughter in two years, trust me).
Losing that strategy will take away some of the charm of the game, not to mention the extra couple beers you can quaff at Wrigley while the guy who is gonna throw one pitch to a left-hander is taking 45 warmup pitches.
But it doesn't have to be this way: Here is Jimmy Doom's Official Suggestion as to how to have the DH  in the NL and not sink strategy by running into a North Atlantic Blomberg.

                                                                His bat is in the HOF.
                                                                His mustache is not.
                                                                
                                                            
In both leagues (and that's the Kruks of this whole debate, right ?) the starting pitcher bats until such time as the manager removes him for a reliever. The DH then takes the plate appearances for all subsequent relievers, though the DH could be pinch hit for by someone then deemed ineligible to play in the field during that contest.
My idea could change the entire dynamic of the bullpen; make the long reliever not just the guy you go to when your 4th starter is getting shelled like a bag of pistachios on Willie Nelson's tour bus, but a guy you bring in in a scoreless tie because your ace is pitching against Kershaw, who Pharell Williams couldn't get a hit off of, it's late in the regular season, he's leading off the following inning and you might wanna Bumgarner him 3 days from now, so if you keep his pitch count low you have that option. That scenario also makes guys who hit for average a viable option at DH and would still keep the double switch alive.
Whatta ya say, Kenesaw Mountain Manfred ? I think it would work. So do three of my friends and four of my dearest acquaintances.
C'mon, Commish! Don't tell me to go to Hal... Give my idea a McRae of sunshine...

OK Lions Fans, Who Would You Rather Have?

This is a completely unscientific, no-faith based, gluten free, high fat poll: Please post in the comments section of Victory Charade.

Who would you rather have on the Lions roster next year? NO deviations.

                                                "Don Juan" Demarco Murray

or

                                               Darrelle "Fantasy Island" Revis

Your third choice is "Neither".
Don't add other names, but feel free to tell me why you chose who you chose, or why neither. {No, voting neither does not give you the right to tell me why the Lions should trade for Tom Brady, Tom Sizemore, Cindy Brady or Grady Sizemore } If you vote neither, you can explain why you dislike the two other choices, but that's it.

"Sports World Utterly Mystified When Star Athlete Signs The Most Lucrative Contract Offered"

Billboards, to the best of my limited knowledge, are rented by the month. And now billboards are popping up around town taking a rip at Ndamukong Suh for leaving the Detroit Lions and signing a mega deal with the Miami Dolphins.
As routinely maligned as Detroit is, I've rarely been embarrassed by my city. There are a few notable occasions when I cringed at something that transpired here, but I figured that whatever the issue was would be out of the headlines within days. I don't know how many months the billboards are rented for, but I'm already sick of them and embarrassed by them.
I don't think anyone who spends money to rip a guy who is already a millionaire and leaving fucking town for a city thousands of miles away probably has any business commenting on another individual's business decision in private, or in public. But public it is: Honolulu Blue with two vertical lines written through the white S in the big defensive tackle's surname. Here's a single vertical line for ya with two smaller horizontal lines coming off it: "F" for originality.
Do I have to remind you how long the average NFL career is ?
Do I have to ask you what you would do if the car company who you started your career with-why not use Ford as an example ?- allowed you to test the market for your services and GM offered significantly more money and a state-tax free income ? You'd stick with Ford out of a sense of loyalty right ? No you wouldn't. You wouldn't even hesitate to take GM's offer and you'd consider it ludicrous that your kids were crying because they'd miss their friends."C'mon, kids, you'll make friends at our new quad level in Boca!"
Now you're mad at a guy who did the exact same thing you would have done under the circumstances.
I am a Lions fan. I've been called a slappy Lions fan. If the Lions won a Super Bowl, it would be in the top ten greatest days of my life-top five if I didn't father two healthy children. I wanted Suh to stay. Badly.

Almost as badly as I wanna bang Autumn Calabrese on a ferris wheel with a faulty bolt so I can die really, really happy.
 But I cannot fault Suh for his decision to leave.
People are constantly bemoaning their high taxes and can't wait to axe a film tax incentive because they think it's gonna save 'em a couple pennies are furious at a guy who decided to move to a state that doesn't have an income tax ? Here's two vertical lines bisected by a tiny horizontal line for your fucking billboard: The H in Hypocrite.
The same town that vilified him for his stomping incidents is now pissed that he left ? A town whose kids are gonna be hunting for easter eggs in snowmobile suits while icicles are still hanging from the gutters is hurt and dismayed because someone got offered a gig in Miami ?
The same Miami that happens to have a pretty rich football tradition itself, even if they have blown goats and tweeted about it for the last few years-they have '72, we had '57. Fans in Miami aren't any less hungry for a Super Bowl than we are, and in the scheme of things, Suh can do far more good with all those millions than just a damn Lombardi Trophy and a parade. This is a guy who gave over two million bucks to his alma mater before he signed his first pro contract. He endows an engineering scholarship. His father was raised in Cameroon, where the average per capita income doesn't even crack $4000 a year. Was he supposed to turn down millions of dollars out of some intangible sense of right and wrong and "honor" when he can take that money and do tangible and honorable things with it ?
You want to hate him ?

                                             This photo is about as close as I get to disliking him.
{If you mention the occasional unsportsmanlike behavior incidents, there's a little Teddy Roosevelt speech I'd be happy to share with you}.
 Wanna like him more, or at least understand him better ?
Here's a link to his charitable foundation http://suhfoundation.org/about-nsff, though you probably don't care and you're probably content with your 672 square foot, 14 x 48 idiotic pout. Honolulu Boo Fucking Hoo.
Congratulations on the new contract Ndamukong, and best of luck in Miami.

Strange,Because Her Dad Rarely Missed a Period

This guy

…is a grandfather.

Congratulations to The Great One, Wayne Gretzky. His daughter Paulina

who is getting cannonballed by suspended pro golfer "Dustin" Johnson

gave birth to a baby boy, who is gonna have a way easier time in pee wee hockey with the name Johnson than he would have with the name Gretzky.

Last Time Someone Laid Down Like That, Darren McCarty Was Beating His Head In

"Unforced error" is now part of the sports lexicon. It originated either in the tennis world or Bruce Jenner's face, but wherever it came from, the biggest one I've seen in decades was one that occurred Sunday night during the NFC Championship Game on the frozen latte of CenturyLink Field.

In the 4th quarter,Green Bay Packers strong safety Morgan Burnett picked off Russell Wilson, who spent most of the day playing catch with the Packers secondary like they were his nephews.

Burnett is known as a "ball hawk", one of those talented individuals who always seems to get to any nearby balls. Like Troy Polamalu. And Cameron Diaz.
So Burnett picks Wilson and:
A. Runs for a touchdown as 22,000 Green Bay residents simultaneously choke to death on bratwurst and die happy
B. Runs 40 yards then out of bounds directly for Erin Andrews and wins an Emmy for his Richard Sherman imitation

                                              This is a running shoe. As in "running 
                                                               with the football"

C. Flops on the ground like masked gunmen just rushed into his Wisconsin Savings and Loan branch after he cashed the check he earns for intercepting footballs and running with them toward the goal line where the fucking points are scored!

 Morgan… Dude... There's five minutes left in the game you have to win to play in the Super Bowl! The Seattle Seahawks can score four times in 5 minutes and learn two Mother Love Bone songs while they are doing it. You run a 4.5 40, which isn't completely blazing for your position, but it's still probably faster than the 360 lb. O-Linemen that are standing between you and at least a freaking Dave Krieg Used Car Lot commercial.
Your quarterback has been stumbling around like FDR is his partner in a 3-Legged Race and you flopped on the ground seventy yards from your end zone so you could put the ball in his hands ??
How many times in post game interviews have you heard players on the winning team say "We took advantage of our opportunities."
I'm sure I've heard your own quarterback (whose calf muscle is fluttering loose like Tara Reid's bra strap after 2 beers) say it about a half dozen times.
You had the opportunity to score a touchdown or at least get America to tune into the Crosby show, and you slid like Tom Brady up 52-0 in the preseason. So Aaron Rodgers could face the best defense in the league. At home. Artie Lange makes better decisions.
At least Goat of All Time Leon Lett was trying to make something happen. You were trying to make nothing happen. The more I think about it, the angrier I get and I'm a Lions fan. If I was a Packers fan, I'd never date a brunette again because it's almost an anagram of your name. I'd write Ted Thompson a letter begging him to trade you for a bamboo draining mat. At the very least I would toilet paper the hell out of your house. (And I'd be able to find it, too, because you play for Green Bay and Aunt Bea would tell me where you lived if I painted her fence).
The Seahawks won in large part because their punter threw a pass and one of their linemen caught it for a touchdown. Neither of those things is in their job description. The Packers lost, in large part, Morgan Burnett, because you chose not to do what is in yours.

                                   

If I Was German, I'd Be Even More Aneuered

The Victory Charade blog would like to extend our sincere congratulations to Cristiano Ronaldo

                                                        for winning the Ballon d'Or.

My Ass is Bleeding, and Pete Morelli Didn't Leave Cab Fare on the Night Stand

The NFL owes me and every Lions fan an apology. Pete Morelli owes us a huge apology for being a deceitful, disingenuous, hyperbolic ("a hundred miles away"), sorry excuse for a sports official. He's either completely incompetent, or he's covering for someone above him. {If you haven't seen the play, you can find it all over this happy little glowing box. The play in question occurred at 8:18 of the fourth quarter of the Lions vs the Cowboys 1/4/2015..
Fuck it, I'll link it for you even though I'm feeling about as charitable as Ebenezer Scrooge on tax day in divorce court.
We could have gotten an apology last night. We didn't. We are not going to get one, verbal or otherwise. But much like Kobe Bryant allegedly banging that Colorado hotel worker in the ass without consent, then buying his wife a diamond the size of section 102 of the Staples Center, a verbal apology would not have been enough. I don't care if Roger Goodell delivered the apology while getting an Eminem tattoo on his neck and drinking a Faygo.
Here are just a few suggestions as to what the NFL could do to mitigate their guilt and ease the pain of a city and Lions fan around the globe (maybe there are none in Marrakech, but there are Lions fans a bunch of places).
In no particular order:
- Make what Anthony Hitchens did legal for the entire 2015-2016 season. Allow defensive players one tug on the receiver's jersey per play, with no limitations (yards from the scrimmage line, ball in the air, etc). Allow them one shove with the ball in the air, and allow them to flail wildly in any manner without ever attempting to even look at the football. If the play by Hitchens in the wild card game was legal, regardless of the fact that many officials on the field felt that it wasn't, accept those actions as legal across the board. The league's competition committee has done everything to boost scoring other than adding a 5th down, outlawing punting (though after Sam Martin's shank that went three and a half Tyrion Lannisters I might not mind that so much)

 or making the field 80 yards. If Hitchens play is truly legal, aggregate scoring will plummet. But Jimmy, that's not what the league wants, you just said it.
No, it isn't what the league wants. So why, then, did they want it last night ? I could list dozens of conspiracy theories, and they'd all come back to one thing: Money. Jerry Jones's money, the league's TV and merchandise money, and more importantly, Vegas's money. Simple math: More people live and work in the greater Dallas area and identify with advertisers/focus groups as football fans than there are in the greater Detroit area. The reason that there is not greater uproar is that the call did not fuck the Vegas sports books. Detroit was getting a minimum of 6 points and leading by 3 at the time. If they continue to march down the field and score, Vito Abramowitz and Schmuley Rigatoni at the Mirage don't care because the Lions are already up. If Dallas gets the ball back and scores a touchdown to win it, they still don't care because the Lions still win on the point line (which, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is exactly what happened). It doesn't affect them in the least. If it did, you can bet your Joique Bell replica security guard uniform that the party boys in the NFL "Officiating" War Room never would have let that decision happen. Did you know that NFL on field officials wear communications headsets ? You do now. So it smacks of being scripted, much like pro wrestling and 99% of the reality shows out there. So bag it, change the storyline and let defensive backs flail around Like DiCaprio looking for driftwood in the North Atlantic. Make what Hitchens did legal, and it will be fun for Lions fans who can still stomach the WWEFootballShow to see Tony Romo and Jason Witten throw tantrums for half a season until they realize how Matt Stafford and Brandon Pettigrew felt.
-Hire full time officials. My buddy Mike Grose from NBC Sports Radio 1060 in Phoenix is the guy who brought this up to me. All the guys on the field in the black and white do it as a part time gig. In other words, they are civilians with real life responsibilities. The NFL can more than afford to hire full time guys, who have to answer to some sort of governing board made up of retired players and coaches operating independently of the soiled panty shield of the NFL. (Mike is far too mature to make a crack like that. That's all me. I'm pissed and depressed and I'm manstruating and I'll use all the prurient sophomoric references I want, thanks).

-Wanna talk money ? The NFL has an enormously well funded charitable arm. Divert some of that money to the Detroit area. Why ? That decision cost thousands of Detroit area service industry personnel hundreds of thousands of dollars. It wasn't exactly BP turning every oyster in the Gulf into 10W30, but trust me, most Detroit area sports fans are not gonna make a special trip to their local tavern to watch Richard Sherman go Straight Outta Compton on some smokin' hot sideline reporter after pickin' Cam Newton. I'm not saying Roger Goodell should start sending checks to every bartender at The Townsend, but as a gesture of goodwill and an admission of guilt, it would be nice if The Capuchin Soup Kitchen got a fat check. Yeah, I know, dream on.

 If you're so inclined, you can write 'em one yourself.
So the Lions season is assassinated, thanks to an obviously, perhaps purposely botched call . Jack Ruby ain't gonna shoot Pete Morelli, though I would laugh if I heard Morelli passed a kidney stone the size of a dinner platter sharpened like a bo shuriken. Because that's pretty much what it felt like for Lions fans yesterday.

Moe is Now the Second Greatest American Howard

There's no "I" in team, but if there was, it would be between a "T" and an "M".
In what was the most important men's soccer match in US history, one man stood (and jumped, lunged, kicked and punched) between two posts 8 yards apart and between a demoralizing defeat and what turned out to be a thrilling but heartbreaking extra time loss.

                                            I assure you that in a few smaller World Cup
                                             nations he would win the popular vote based 
                                           on his performance.

Those who aren't on the winning side are not generally remembered. But I don't think anyone who watched the US v Belgium match Tuesday evening will ever forget the mind blowing brilliance of Tim Howard.
Howard was so good he knew when to withdraw his hand and let the crossbar do the job for him so as not to concede another of what seemed to be a clown car parade of corner kicks for the Belgians.
That game could easily have been 5-0 at the end of 90 minutes and bar TVs turned to baseball pre- game shows, but where I watched couples who sauntered into the bar for an after work beer were applauding right along with the Stars and Stripes diehards.
Instead of an embarrassing blowout, the game extended zero-zero into extra time, courtesy of a bearded, gloved acrobat who seemed to magically appear in front of more balls than Jenna Jameson's lower lip.
Howard might have even carried the US to victory had sub Chris Wondolowski not pulled a Scott Norwood late in the match and booted the ball wide right of a nearly vacated Belgian net.
And lest you think I'm being some national side homer trying to find extra change for a 40 ouncer in a pocket full of lint, Belgian captain Vincent Kompany--who won a Premiere league title with Manchester City-- tweeted "Two Words: Tim Howard # Respect" after the match.

                                            Courtesy of Troll Football
Officially, Howard made the most saves by a World Cup goalkeeper since 1966 when they started keeping records (Really, FIFA ? You're historically bad at shit too ??) and more than likely the most ever ( correct me on that if you want, I'm not researching it).
Yes, it's an L, and the Americans don't get a chance to prove themselves against the Best Player of his and many other generations, Lionel Messi. But soccer is known in many places as "The Beautiful Game" and not too many goalkeepers have ever played as beautifully as Tim Howard did last night.







                    

PK Subban Will Fly to San Antonio with Some Magnesium and Kleenex. Coach.

The video below is hockey. There are many, many more examples of this kind of mental and physical fortitude. If you are not already aware of the lengths to which Steve Yzerman went to stay on the ice, read up on it. Some of the surgeries he had sound almost medieval.

Trust me, Bobby Baun did not make enough money or endorsements from his NHL career to be able to retire to luxury (or at all ) with a limp.

Tonight in pro basketball. The biggest star in the game. A guy who orchestrated transactions for his own dream team. A guy who will never ever have to have a day job again in his life.  Quoting ESPN:

"(Lebron) James exited the game with 7:31 remaining in the fourth quarter because of cramping but returned with 3:59 left for one play, finishing a driving layup. He signaled to come out immediately after, limping to the bench before having to be carried off".

I won't even put his picture up here. Anyone who gives their money to that sorry charade--I'd rather watch some B-lister play charades on Hollywood Game Night, just so ya know-- might as well launch a Kickstarter to get Tommy Lee a dick extension.
The Larry O'Brien Trophy means nothing to NBA players anymore except the sports drink endorsements that go along with them. Isn't that ironic ? These miracle elixirs that are supposed to ward off things like cramps ?
Be honest: If you're a casual NBA fan did you even know it was called the Larry O'Brien Trophy ? You know what the Stanley Cup means to hockey players in at least 8 nations: Everything.
Whatever the NBA had is lost in a sea of wealth and privilege and individual desires, not efforts.
Their biggest ambassador hung a sign from the embassy tonight that says "Why Do You Care? We Don't".

And guess what, the sports drink industry does have an opinion on the alleged "superstar":
http://www.cbssports.com/nba/eye-on-basketball/24581790/gatorade-twitter-account-trolls-lebron-james-over-cramping

World Cup 2014: After the US and Ghana Advance, He Wants to Meet Tonya Harding

The World Cup is just around the corner and that can only mean two things:
Guys whose moms still have their socks framed from the CYO basketball game in which they poured in 6 points will complain that there's not enough scoring, and witch doctors.
Wait, witch doctors?
{As sensitive as people are now, I'm sure there is a more polite term for 'witch doctor' that I'm completely oblivious to, so if you'd like to comment and tell me what it is-feel free, just skip the story about how your uncle the non-traditional physician with the cauldron couldn't get into Harvard Med School and had to drive a cab and got shot and now has a prosthetic bone through his prosthetic nose}.
Or whatever.

                                   Kwaku Bonsam:Probably closer to a real doctor than Phil

Yeah, I didn't make that up.
According to dozens of sources, a Ghanian witch doctor is not only taking credit for Cristiano Ronaldo's  knee injury, he claims he has dogs helping him concoct a potion to make the injury worse, and even move it around to make it more difficult to treat.
I don't think I even got my first aid ribbon at summer camp, but I'm inclined to think that Crissy's patellar tendinosis  just may have been caused by the unforgiving turf that he flails to every time a Barcelona supporter opens a beer to roughly.
I am worried the good doctor just became the Salman Rushdie of Portugal, but I applaud his efforts.
Crissy is such a sensitive head case that when (if?) the winner of the Ballon d'Or ( French for tears of a clown) gets on the pitch in Brazil he might actually be distracted by the voodoo. He may even miss a few scheduled tantrums.
The US also happens to be in Group G along with Germany, Portugal and Ghana and they are gonna need all the help they can get to advance.
In 1980 at Lake Placid, Al Michaels famously said "Do you believe in miracles ? Yes!"
Don't discount other people's belief systems just because they are different from yours and apparently involve dog urine.
In 2014 in Brazil, do I believe in Kahwiri Kapam ? Maybe.

2014 Stanley Cup Finals: Farewell Ron MacLean

Sports media and marketers love to dub everything "The Road to" or "The Quest for". Tonight is the first game of Stanley Cup Finals, and among other things, that signifies the uncharted, dusty path down to Ron MacLean's departure from Hockey Night in Canada.
The 2014 Cup final is also a coast to coast, NYC vs LA final, which not only gives the series a touch more glamour, it means the same marketers that conjure up crap like "The Freeway of Love to The Chase for The Boulevard of Glory" can keep their Cialis on ice because two huge markets is a built in hard-on for 'em. Lot's of "households" will be watching, and that's good for business.
As I type this, CBC commentator Elliotte Friedman admitted to colleague P. J. Stock that he was jazzing up his preview to appeal to viewers on both coasts "for the advertisers".

But screw that. This is the greatest team sport in North America. It doesn't need marquee stars like the ones that virtually run the Nattering Billionaire Alliance and , not coincidentally, wind up in the Finals year after year.
There are many reasons to watch that have nothing to do with Broadway, Hollywood, advertisers, or slogans.
-The winners don't just get to pose with the trophy. They get their name etched on it. Forever.
-It's the only one of the Big 4 with true sudden death overtime. (Walk off HR? Not if you're the road team).
-Ron MacLean between periods, who has never gotten enough credit for his ability to keep the beloved Don Cherry from going completely off the decorum and continuity rails.
-Warren Buffett has nothing on me.I'll bet you a triillion dollars that Wayne Gretzky's former team wins the series.

Boston "Solong"…Who Do We Hate Next ? Anyone Left to Love ?

Good Riddance tonight to the Boston Bruins, an incorrigible cadre of evildoers coached by a guy who actually resembles Gru from Despicable Me.

Told ya. 

For Detroiters and Red Wings fans everywhere, that eliminated the team they were most rooting against. I'm sure some were rooting against Pittsburgh in large part because of Sidney Crosby. I assume everyone outside of Pennsylvania, Nova Scotia and the Tim Horton's marketing department roots against Sidney Crosby. So who do you root for now, and what's the criteria for picking them ?

This is where sports and film/TV entertainment differ so greatly. Kevin Spacey can play a villain, and you generally root against his character, in most cases, but you leave the theater saying "Kevin Spacey is an amazing actor", and you root for him when he's playing K-Pax, unless you're Milan Lucic and you're so dumb you think K-Pax is what your sister buys once a month. {I could have really made that a much more vulgar reference and next time the Wings play the Bruins I'm probably gonna regret not sprinting down that path}. In sports, you're pretty much pulling for the real human being at his real job.

And unless your name is Stu Grimson, you probably aren't a whole helluva lot different out of uniform.

So we know who we hate, and some of 'em are gone. Who do we root for now, Detroit ? Three Original 6 franchises left. Or the newbies from the west coast ?

The Norris Division Is The Space Between the Kidney and The Spleen

Major League Baseball's season is longer than the night before a prostate exam, so why do pitchers throw at the very next batter after they give up a home run ?
The Baltimore Orioles starter Bud Norris plunked Torii Hunter tonight after Ian Kinsler hit one so hard Barry Levinson bitchslapped his Oscar.
He was immediately ejected, then went in to a performance that looked like he wanted an Oscar of his own.

                                         Bud Norris, we don't really like you. Sally is cool though.

Dude. You hit Torii Hunter so square in the ribs that some orthopedic residents at Johns Hopkins took notes. You had to know that there was a good possibility you were gonna get tossed. Don't give me that "but it was a breaking ball" nonsense. Lots of major leaguers have sliders that crack 90 on the gun and they could hit Eddie Gaedel in the tear duct with 'em. 90 is gonna hurt whether it's a slider or the age of the last chick available at The Chicken Ranch
Tonight was the first freakin' game of the series. How about a little stealth and intrigue ?
Don't tell me about tradition and "sending a message", especially if you're not just gonna cop to it and walk to the clubhouse.
Pitching traditions change. So let's change this one. Brush back the guy who hit the home run with the first pitch thrown to him the next game. Sure, the starter who gave up the home run won't have that opportunity, but should you really get the little glory tantrum for screwing up in the first place ?
Don't get me wrong. Any drama injected into this new MLB that's watered down like Daddy's vodka after prom night is great with me. The other day, in the current video mediator MLB, Ron Gardenhire actually had a real argument and got tossed. I haven't been that happily nostalgic since I got to meet
Susan Olsen.

                                       L to R Didrik Davis, Cindy Brady, Me. Sam the Butcher 
                                            not pictured
So I'm not calling for anyone to outlaw the brushback, the occasional plunk, The Randy Johnson behind the back mindfuck, etc. I'm just wondering why pitchers aren't a little more patient about venting their frustrations.
And I don't know who your baseball agent is, Bud Norris, but stick with him. You really don't need a theatrical version.

Too Bad the NFL Banned Stickum,Because The Slope Can't Get Any Slipperier

Openly gay Missouri defensive standout Michael Sam got drafted by the St. Louis Rams. He's a helluva football player and I was 99% sure someone would draft him. ESPN had cameras present when he was notified and if you didn't think that was gonna happen please never apply to Specs Howard School of Media Arts. Don't even apply for Shemp Howard School of Anything.
Sam celebrated by kissing his partner. I saw lots of kissing and hugging when people were drafted, but of course Sam kissing his white male partner became its own little news item. I'm sure many people applauded or maybe even got choked up.
2nd year Miami Dolphins linebacker Don Jones was not applauding. He tweeted "Horrible".
Now Jones's bosses wanna have a little talk with him. And I wanna have a talk with them:
Dolphins GM Dennis Hickey, your team has lately been a purple blemish on the neck of the NFL and you and your league have much greater things to worry about than reprimanding people for one word tweets.If you allow your players to have twitter accounts-which is a huge source of free of charge marketing for the league-you must allow them some freedom to express themselves when they aren't helping your sorry ass team sell tickets.
I don't agree with Don Jones's assessment of Michael Sam being drafted and the subsequent celebratory kiss. If Michael Sam wanted to kiss a frog and make the ESPN crew sit there and wait for it to turn into a fucking Prince, he has the right to do so.

And Don Jones has the right to not like it. All he said was "Horrible". He didn't use a slur, threaten anyone, mention the NFL or any "corporate partners". He just said "Horrible". Some people think caramel is horrible, that doesn't mean they are gonna take it out of Twix bars.
Let me refresh your memory, Dennis. This weekend as all the players were drafted, your headmaster Roger Goodell,who I happen to think is horrible, stated the name of the college that they played football for. Do you really think that all the players coming out of all those different schools are going to have the same opinion on everything ? You have players in the league from Southern Methodist and BYU. The various military academies don't even see eye-to-eye on every issue. You cannot promote the ethnic and religious diversity of your league and turn around and slap someone's wrist for speaking their mind when it doesn't fall lockstep into your brand spanking new National Enlightenment League. I wouldn't blame you for banning Twitter accounts for all new contracts, Dennis. That crap last year with your O-Line made General Hospital look like Shakespeare. But until you ban Twitter and all its positives for your league, expect some opinions and respect some opinions, Dennis. It's a discussion, not a concussion.
Your league has to aggressively campaign to get kids to go out and play your sport, because many kids would rather sit on the sofa playing Madden, where they get to control every single action of every single player. Maybe you oughta give that a try, Dennis, and leave the real live football players to someone else.

Richie Parker Has a Cooler Car Than You and Probably Drives it Better

It will be difficult, if not impossible to tell yourself you cannot do something after watching this.
http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=9499560
If you find inspiration in it, that's great. Though it might shame the shit out of you first.

Damn UCLA! He's Not the Grand Wizard of Westwood

UCLA has rejected a 3 million dollar donation for kidney research from LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling.
And in the process, they have just taken the coveted number 2 spot on my most hated colleges after Ohio State.*
Is it silly to root against a team of athletes because of a decision they had nothing to do with? Probably. But not nearly as silly as turning down that kind money from a guy who simply said some things most people find objectionable. You can read about the decision here:
http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/04/ucla-donald-sterling-donation
There is absolutely no evidence that Donald Sterling made his money illegally, and if you're gonna call into question all the ethics of billionaires then no one would be accepting money from billionaires. You don't get that rich without underpaying someone, destroying some part of the environment, or just being a dick in general.
So Sterling doesn't want his girlfriend hanging out with black dudes. So what ?

                                             Not quite Aryan, but produces really popular
                                             spoken word albums.
                                                
                                     Kidney disease is actually more prevalent in the African American community than it is in caucasians, so all UCLA is doing is potentially making less black dudes for her to hang around with. What kind of statement is that?
Donald Sterling spent a lot of his fortune for decades paying African Americans millions to not be very good at their job. To be fair, most Clippers, regardless of race, should have been on the Washington Generals, but the point is that some of that money benefitted the African American community. Nothing Sterling did or said--not once did I hear the dreaded, guaranteed to get your ass fired, middle of the alphabet epithet uttered--merits his money being turned down. I'm sure other philanthropists will step forward and cover the donation, but UCLA should have taken that money. In fact, my white "not-wanting-my-girlfriend-to-hang-out-with-anyone-better-looking-than-me-and-that's-a bunch-of-people" ass will go as far as saying UCLA could have taken that money conducted kidney research exclusively on African Americans and I would have applauded.
I was in a bar once (just once) when a guy punched a girl. In the ensuing melee, his wallet dropped out of his pants and someone who strongly resembles me used the money in it to buy drinks for the girl who got hit and for the rest of the bar. None of us liked or respected the guy, but we put the money to the best use possible at quarter to two.
UCLA already had the contents of Sterling's wallet. They never should have given it back.





* I can't even tell you who was number 2 before. It can't be MSU, because I root for them most of the time when they aren't playing Michigan. It was Nebraska after they shared the national championship with Michigan, but I've gotten over it. It can't be a college that rejected my application because that is too large a number to occupy one position on the chart.