Richard Petty Can't Say Shit About Harli White

A friend of mine hates the way people throw around the word "inspiration". He's right. It's diluted like that 9th whiskey on the rocks you never should have poured yourself the night before.
But this ESPN feature should leave you with some strong sense: admiration, wonder, maybe even a healthy bit of puzzlement.
This is a sports blog, but you don't have to be a sports fan to appreciate this story. You just have to know how to pronounce "Holy Shit".http://espn.go.com/espnw/athletes-life/article/10696824/harli-hero-espnw

Forget RoboCop. Detroit Should Have a Darren McCarty Statue

Happy Anniversary, Detroit Hockey Fans. Happy Anniversary, Darren McCarty.

Next Time You Get a DUI Tell the Judge You Won The Punt, Pass and Kick

The Jets signed Michael Vick. Not a shock that some NFL team would offer him a contract, and I'm  glad it wasn't the Lions.

I am, however, disappointed (though again, not shocked) that people who appreciate his vastly overhyped talents insist that Michael Vick "made a mistake". 

Jets fans now seem content to repeat "he made a mistake"just like the Eagles fans did, so I am more than willing to repeat this: It was not a "mistake". What Michael Vick did was a pattern of behavior over a period of many years that claimed the lives of multiple innocent animals. This pattern of behavior was run as a business-yes, a for-profit kennel operation for the financial gain of Michael Vick. That is not a mistake. That is willful disregard for living things in exchange for monetary reward. Michael Vick was making a more than comfortable living in his day job as quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons but still found the desire to torture animals in the name of more money. That is not the definition of mistake.

Due to the fact that Michael Vick was well compensated for his exploits on the football field, he was  able to afford top of the line legal representation who expertly whittled down the charges against their client so that he would serve the minimum amount of time incarcerated possible. That is how the system works.
John Hinckley's family was loaded and even after shooting the President of the United States of America he was allowed supervised home visits with his mommy and daddy. Is that okay with you ? Well, a judge said okay, so you must be. Your tax dollars went to transport him to his parents mansion. Still okay with that?  Do you accept every judge's decision that you've ever heard of ? Or just the ones that might help your favorite football team to possibly have a better chance of winning a goddamn trophy you might see once from 400 yards away at a parade ?

Had Michael Vick been actually held accountable for the direct and indirect deaths of every single one of those dead animals, the Jets would not have had a mobile, but fragile left handed quarterback with blood on his hands to sign unless Alberto DeSalvo was still alive. Because he'd still be in jail. Had the authorities popped him before his first pro contract, he'd still be in jail.
Michael Vick's clothing line is called redemption ? How the hell has he redeemed himself ? I have no idea what he even means by that.
But I do know this: Now that Vick has a new team, he has a whole new legion of motherfuckers with selective short memories that are praising him.
 And now J-E-T-S will always stand for "Just Exonerate The Sonofabitch".

Do The Grand Rapids Griffins Have an Ozzie Smith ?

Jose Iglesias, the potential Omar Vizquel of shortstops (sorry, 'champagne of beers' was taken) might be out until after the All Star break. Maybe longer.
http://www.detroitnews.com/article/20140315/SPORTS0104/303150054/Reports-Injured-Tigers-shortstop-Jose-Iglesias-could-miss-most-season
This ain't playoff hockey. No one has any reason to lie except Stephen Drew's agent, and if he had planted that rumor Dave Dombrowski would be debunking it like Sgt Hartmann in Full Metal Jacket.
This leaves a hole in the Tiger infield bigger than the one in Kurt Cobain's head (not too soon).
After a Red Wings season that just about had David Ogden Stiers and Loretta Swit singing the National Anthem

This is the last thing Detroit Sports fans wanted to hear other than "Kate Upton gets Justin Verlander to quit the Beatles". The Tiger pitching staff, whose ERA just went up a point each, would buy that kid cadaver shins if they could (on a related note, RIP Dr. Frank Jobe, who performed the first "Tommy John" cadaver ligament surgery on a major league pitcher, which is way cooler than getting Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis named after you).*

Anyway, this is really bad news. Duh. If the Tigers put Iglesias on the 60 day DL, and I'm assuming they will, Vegas will immediately change the over/under on Tiger victories this season. And I'll give ya a hint: It ain't gonna go up.

*I just set a world record for getting the most Nirvana and Yankee fans pissed off at someone in a single blog.

Hey Lions!! Corners Aren't Just For Hookers Anymore

NFL free agency for fans is like a whole neighborhood of kids opening their presents together over a really long Christmas morning and none of them lying about how they like their new gifts. If that end is too tight or too expensive, you're gonna hear about it.

Obviously, fans of the Denver Broncos are the spoiled rich kids this year, and the working class Browns' dad must have hit the four digit lottery, because they added some talent while discarding two quarterbacks (Brandon Weeden and Jason Campbell) who couldn't get a first down if their dad owned a goose farm.
But I am from Detroit, and the Lions are the team that is my not-so-secret Santa.
Thank you for Golden Tate. I think he'll be a lovely addition to our collective toy chest.
Ummm, I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat (and really, can anyone who calls themselves a Lions fan be anything but a tired, forlorn soul who has choked on draft fruitcakes like Charles Rogers and Mike Williams ?) but a bunch of other kids are getting stud action figures like hmmmm, I don't know, I haven't given it that much thought but...

1. Darrelle Revis (Signed one-year, $12M deal with NE)
2. Brent Grimes (Re-signed four-year, $32M deal with MIA)
3. Aqib Talib (Signed six-year, $57M deal with DEN)
4. Alterraun Verner (Signed four-year, $25.5M deal with TB)
5. Vontae Davis (Re-signed four-year, $39M deal with IND)

And I realize you can't always get what you want, but…

how about…

1. Jairus Byrd (Signed six-year, $54M deal with NO)
2. T.J. Ward (Signed four-year, $23M deal with DEN)
3. Donte Whitner (Signed four-year, $28M deal with CLE)
4. Antoine Bethea (Signed four-year, $21M deal with SF)

I realize, Lions, that you just had a death in the family, so my feelings won't be hurt if you give your Visa card to John Elway and have him do the shopping for you, okay ?

Nobody's Perfect, Especially You: The Billion $ Bracket

Dan Gilbert, the burgermeister meisterburger of Downtown Detroit, and his pal Warren Buffet (who is like a really pleasant, old, caucasian Jay-Z when it comes to money) are offering one billion dollars to anyone who picks a perfect "March Madness" NCAA Tournament Bracket.
You can try your luck here:https://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/quickenloansbracket/challenge/
On top of the billion dollars,you will also win your choice of one the following from me:


- I will go your job wearing your boss's college mascot costume and fart I Sin For A Living by The Meatmen* at them while I hand them your resignation letter.

-I will go to your student loan office and bring them your final payment with the last $200 in nickels in a garbage bag tied to my penis.

-I will move next door to your ex-spouse's house and trim bonsai trees naked, sunup to sundown from June 1st to August 1st. Trust me, this should be equally repulsive to both genders.

I can make these offers with a great deal of confidence because:
A. I'm a freak and would probably do something similar for a steak dinner and Tiger season tickets
B. You ain't gonna pick a perfect bracket. Nobody picks a perfect bracket. Sure someone wins every year, but they don't do it without watching Upper Mid Panhandle Methodist Tech send a major conference #3 seed home before the alumni leave the cocktail lounge at the airport.
So go for it, if you think you put the dick back in Vitale. It's gonna be fun to watch.

*I may even have a few members of The Meatmen join me, even though this blog is gonna be the first they've heard of it.

-

Swallowing the Bone Whole: A Lament on Red Wings Hockey

I was listening to the Red Wings/Blue Jackets game in the kitchen while I was tearing at a leftover rotisserie chicken. I almost choked twice. I am not exaggerating, or trying to be funny. I was eating haphazardly, listening to Ken Kal's play by play. I'm pretty convinced the second time it happened I swallowed a piece of bone roughly the size of of a golf tee.
I'm not kidding, nor do I use that little jab lightly.
The Wings are looking seriously like their fantastic post season streak is over.
It's too late in the season for excuses. Guys with 20 or more NHL games who under normal circumstances would still be Griffins can't be forgiven for playing like Peter Griffin. Yes, they've been mostly above average, but two consecutive games they have (as an entire unit) been less watchable than   a Lena Dunham/Magic Burger King sex tape.

Actually, I have respect for Lena Dunham. At least she is having a positive impact on the game she's involved in. Shit, she's the Bobby Orr of naked overweight girls.
The only games the Wings are impacting are the foursomes that are gonna get bumped for their tee times in a few weeks.
Even on radio, it seemed that the chicken on my counter wasn't the only carcass being shredded.
They didn't play like a team that just traded away prospects and draft picks, a move that will almost certainly be Ken Holland's Doyle Alexander for John Smoltz trade. Those deadline deals are supposed to solidify a team's playoff roster, and this team looks about as ready for a long run as Melissa McCarthy after Easter dinner.
I bet the Wings tonight. In the crazy world of gambling, the Wings were getting 1 1/2  goals if you were willing to wager a lot of money to make a small profit. That means they could have lost to the Columbus Blue Jackets (why in Bo's name does anything in Columbus have the word 'Blue' attached to it ?) by one goal, and I still win. Down by two late and it's still an entertaining hockey game. They were not even capable of providing 60 minutes of entertaining hockey with the damn fictional, hypothetical advantage provided to us by a the good people of Las Vegas, Nevada.
I sincerely hope the Wings keep the streak alive, which will be kinda like having sex with the actor in the Burger King costume: just to say they did. Because Lena Dunham will win another Golden Globe before they win another playoff series.
And instead of listening to Ken Kal, I'll be listening to NPR, hoping, just maybe, I'll get some good tips for chicken choking.

Sled Hockey: It Might Actually Be Harder Than Screwing the Girl Who Ordered the Pizza

Admit it. You watch porn. Most people watch some form of scantily clad, unclad or sweat clad humans. While I'm always curious about what kinda porn people like, I really don't wanna know why they like it. I'm always afraid the word "uncle" will come up in the conversation and I'll puke a cocktail onion across the room and knock out someone's contact lens.

I can tell you this about porn: You will never be hung like Ron Jeremy, and you will more than likely never get paid to have sex unless you and your significant other both get assigned to the curly fry station at a really dark Arby's.  

Ever watch sled hockey ? I'll bet you haven't. Very few people watch sled hockey.
The guys who compete in sled hockey are guys who have overcome not having the "right equipment" to play standing hockey (that's what sled hockey players call it) and actually take part in the sport as opposed to just sitting around with a sock full of hand lotion wishing they could.
{Right here it would be real easy for me to do some schmaltz waltz about "inspiration" which sportswriters like Rick Reilly and that other guy are famous for, but I'm not gonna. You don't need a gauzy filter, a Bruce Hornsby soundtrack and a backstory--as heroic as some of these guys have been}. Sports don't always have to be for inspiration, they're mostly just a form of entertainment, right ? And this shit is entertaining:

You can watch some games and other events like curling and biathlon live here http://www.youtube.com/user/ParalympicSportTV and CBC will also have some live sled hockey on the web.
The US has a good chance to compete for a medal, something their "able-bodied", weak minded and poorly coached counterparts were incapable of doing. Check it out. You'll be entertained, you won't be embarrassed by it when your roommate walks in, and someday you might get a chance to do it too.

Mr. Holland's OOOOOPSUS...

Ken Holland just traded Calle Jarnkrok, who is this: (according to elite prospects.com)
"A very skilled center that will get the job done on the wing as well. Järnkrok's main asset is his outstanding hockey sense, which allows him to be the great playmaker that he is. Overall a very smart player with good positioning in all zones. Also quite shifty with soft hands and impressive puckhandling skills. Not a physical player, but plays pretty well through heavy traffic although in need of gaining strength and muscles. Good character. Often used as pointman on the man advantage, but can still improve his release. Is a good skater, but there is still some room for improvement in that department." 
For David Legwand, who (according to me), is a serviceable, underachieving NHL player who is 33 years old and his best attribute might be that his Grosse Pointe family might spring for a suite and decide to keep it when the new (publicly funded) stadium opens.
I know quite a few people in this town, and I was fortunate enough to spend some time with Ken Holland in the hours leading up to the trade deadline. This is my video diary of that:

I am the biggest slappy sucker I know when it comes to the playoff streak. But I never wanted them to mortgage the future to keep it going. And Ken Holland didn't just mortgage it, he did an insurance job on it for a few more hits off the postseason pipe. And what happens now ? Do they rush back injured players in the playoffs to justify the trade ? Was Legwand really the missing piece to a puzzle ? It wasn't a puzzle in my mind, it was a monochromatic Rubik's cube: The Detroit Red Wings suffered multiple injuries to key players in a year where some of them had to play extra games due to the NHL's Olympic commitment. Sorry. See ya in September. Except this coming September a guy they adjudged to be the 51st best player in the draft (or better) will now be in Music City instead of Traverse City, and oh yeah, Ken Holland would like to tell you about one of his experiences in Sochi:

A future draft pick and Patrick Eaves were part of the trade, too. I didn't dislike Eaves as much as some people seem to, but I didn't like the playoff streak nearly enough to part with a guy who could be an assist machine, like a Swedish Adam Oates, and come back to haunt that pretty new building residents of the city just bought for Ken Holland's boss.